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Ho-ney, I'm ho-ome ...

AND NOW IT'S time for another episode of "I Love Chelly," about that wacky, lovable brunette who's married to a handsome, up-and-coming city attorney who wants to make it big in politics.


The front door opens in a house somewhere in Windsor Village.Rocky: Chel-ly! I'm ho-ome! I saw the Yukon out front — somebody must have smashed into the back of it while it was just parked there! And they didn't even leave a note! Some people have absolutely no respect for the law!

Chelly: Ehhhhh … .

Rocky: What's the matter, honey?

Chelly: Uh, Rocky … ? Darling … ? I … I … I …

Rocky: Yes?

Chelly: I did it.

Rocky: You did it? That's an official city vehicle!

Chelly: Well, I had to get to the doctor's office, didn't I? I was backing up, and all of a sudden there was this pole…. And you know what a terrible driver I am. Little ol' me, driving that big old SUV? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha?

Rocky: Well … I guess I can take it to the official city garage — they can afford to fix it better than we can.

Chelly: Oh honey. Let me give you a great big official city kiss!

(Laughter, applause, fade-out.)

At City Hall, Rocky's phone rings.

Rocky: Hello? Chelly? I can barely hear you — where are you? What's all that commotion?

Chelly: Oh, it's that Paris Hilton — there's a whole lot of photographers waiting for her down here at the police station.

Rocky: The police station? You're at the police station?

Chelly: Now, don't say it like that. It's just a little mix-up. I forgot to fill out some forms, that's all.

Rocky: Chelly … what forms?

Chelly: Wellll …

Rocky: What forms?

Chelly: Oh, just about not having car insurance and driving with a suspended license and not paying some parking tickets and not registering the car. And [whispering] the arrest warrant.

Rocky: A what?

Chelly: Arrest warrant — but it's only because I forgot to do the paperwork. You're not mad, are you?

Rocky: Mad? I'm just going to lock you in the house for the next 20 years! Didn't I tell you to call the insurance agent? Last year?

Chelly: Waaaaah. I forgot.

Rocky: Do you know what will happen if this gets out?

Chelly: Can't you tell 'em it's all my fault? Silly ol' forgetful me. So honey, can you come get me? They won't let me drive the car home.

Rocky: OK.

Chelly: What about the boys? I don't want them to see me here.

Rocky: One of my assistants can baby-sit the boys. There's one good thing about this.

Chelly: There is?

Rocky: With Paris Hilton there, we can sneak out of the police station without anybody noticing us!

(Laughter, applause, fade-out.)


The Delgadillos' doorbell rings; it's their neighbors and friends, Ethel and Fred Hertz.

Ethel: Anybody home?

Chelly: Hi, Ethel, come on in.

Ethel: I got your mail, and you're not gonna like it.

Chelly: Oh, don't tell Rocky — he's mad enough at me already.

Rocky [walking in]: Don't tell Rocky what?

Ethel: Not so fast, handsome — there's an envelope for you too.

Chelly: Read mine, Ethel — I'm too nervous.

Ethel: Here it is — "Dear Mrs. Delgadillo: Your consulting firm, C.R.D., has failed to file state tax returns from 2002 to 2005. Because your business has operated without a city business license, you are liable for fees and penalties and you could face misdemeanor prosecution by the Los Angeles city attorney's office."

Chelly: Waaaaaaaah!! Rocky, don't send me to jail!

Rocky: And listen to this! I'm being investigated by the city Ethics Commission and the State Bar!

Fred: Well, Rocky — what are you gonna do?

Rocky: There's only one thing to do: Move to New York.

Fred and Ethel: New York?

Chelly: New York?

Rocky: Yeah. That way you can take the subway everywhere. And those people will vote for anybody.


Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun
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