Royal baby fever is spreading. The plague that has gripped cable news and morning shows now seems to have made its way to late night, where Stephen Colbert became its latest victim Tuesday night.
After expressing his internal gratitude that the colonies were able to rid themselves of British tyranny – “Let the patriot blood shed on the fields of Lexington and Concord never be forgotten!” he declared – Colbert segued gleefully into the night’s top story, the “royal baby bump.”
Following a montage of breathless media speculation about the soon-to-arrive bundle of joy, Colbert chimed in. “Kate the Great is three days late, I just can’t wait for her to dilate.”
The host, like so many of his TV peers, was full with questions: “When will the baby get here? What will Pippa wear? Will the obstetrician wear a giant hat? Who will have less hair, the baby or Prince William?”
Indeed, Colbert was so overwhelmed by baby fever that he appeared to be experiencing sympathetic labor pains, calling for ice chips and breathing deeply to help calm his frayed nerves.
And can you really blame him, with new revelations popping up by the hour, such as US Weekly’s “exclusive” report that a Paddington Bear stuffed animal will be present in the room while Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, gives birth to the future heir to the British throne?
Besides, there’s just so much for Colbert to look forward to, like “the changing of the guards in front of the royal birth canal, and the epidural administered by Dumbledore while Elton John on piano plays ‘Placenta in the Wind.’”
“I mean, ultimately the question is will it be a girl or a boy, or something magical, like a unicorn or a hobbit? What has it got in its uterus, precious?” Colbert said, breaking into his best Gollum impression. “We’ll have more on this story as the water breaks.”
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