Mascara

Who will be applying mascara to those almost-Mrs. teary eyes? (Clinique / May 16, 2012)

Of all the high hopes and potentially unrealistic expectations that a bride has concerning her wedding day, the desire to look like the most obscenely beautiful version of oneself tops my list. At the risk of coming across as vapid and shallow, I not so secretly fantasize of a super dramatic hush rushing across the room as I walk down the aisle followed by whispers of  “SHE LOOKS AMAZING.” I warned you that this was pretty vacuous. Of course, there are the long-term self-improvements that many brides make leading up to their big day, whether it be joining a gym, kicking a bad habit to the curb or paying visits to a “special” doctor. And while I am all for taking steps to better yourself in the long run, my impatient inner toddler is seeking something a little more instantly gratifying.

Through the entire process of planning and orchestrating, I can confidently say that I have put together a pretty stellar team of purveyors to ensure that everything is in tip-top shape. All that remains is one lone, albeit super important specialist.

I don’t have an inkling who is tasked with making my red-carpet-ready dreams a reality.

I have attended hair and makeup trials, torn dozens of examples from every bridal and fashion magazine under the sun — all to no avail. Considering how much of a perfectionist I am not, this sudden desire to be temporarily transformed into Giselle is majorly unfitting. In an attempt to regain some of the respect that has surely evaporated after these admissions, I fully acknowledge that this bout of obsessive behavior is sort of crazy. But in my defense, I have known brides to agonize for weeks over which of two nearly identical ribbons should adorn the bouquets. Frankly, I could give a crap about ecru versus ivory; I just want to know who will be applying that final coat of mascara to my teary, almost a Mrs. eyes.

And as I sit here, resources exhausted, envisioning my barefaced, ponytail-clad self saying “I do,” I need your help. Have you used or do you know of a hair and makeup artist capable of taking on this hefty order? Finish that much deserved eye roll and help a girl out!