I'm not talking.
Not to a phone.
It may be all the rage for celebrities in iPhone commercials to have pithy exchanges with Siri, the female-sounding voice assistant, but if you ask me, they just sound stupid.
Like actress Zooey Deschanel, in her pajamas, telling her iPhone, "Remind me to clean up ... tomorrow." Really? If you can't remember to do your chores, how can you remember to check the phone? What if you can't find it, because the place is so messy? How about reminding you to get out of your pajamas?
Or Samuel Jackson telling his Siri, "Find me a store that sells organic mushrooms for my risotto." First of all, Sam Jackson making risotto is tough enough on the credibility. But don't you think, if you're that advanced in the culinary arts, you've gone shopping for food before? Or did you suddenly wake up as Julia Child?
Maybe the worst is John Malkovich, who sits in a chaise with classical music playing and asks his Siri for a "joke."
"Two iPhones walk into a bar," the machine says. "I forget the rest."
Malkovich laughs, proving he's a good actor.
Sorry. Not joining this club. I have often been guilty of purchasing the "latest technology" (and by "latest" I mean things that were new for six minutes). But I have enough experience talking to machines to know that a microchip is not your friend, no matter how close you keep it to your bed.
Have you forgotten the frustrating electronic voices that now answer almost every business number you dial? "For English, press one. Para Espanol, dos. If you'd rather stick needles in your eye, press three."
Or the voice technology in your car? I tried this once. It went like this:
"No -- call Dad."
"To call Fred, say yes."