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'The Bachelor' recap: Ciao, Bekah

For The Baltimore Sun

Last week, Paris, this week, Tuscany! This is the life the girls have to look forward to when they marry Arie Luyendyk Jr. of Scottsdale, Ariz. The entire episode of “The Bachelor” this week is basically just Arie just practicing his five Italian vocab words (“ciao,” “bella,” “pizza”).

Next week is hometowns, so the pressure is on for Arie to whittle down the group of women from six to four. Sounds exciting, but we’re really just here for “The Bachelor Winter Games” promos. Who’s going to watch with us!?

First One-On-One With Becca K.

It’s been forever since their original one-on-one, so Becca K. is relieved to get another date with Arie. In true Arie Jr. fashion, he picks her up in a red sports car. Arie says he feels “pulled” to Becca K. and we have no idea what that means. They buy bread on the street because Italy.

We’d almost forgotten Becca K. was from Minnesota until she brings up Arie meeting her family, which she says she is totally ready for. Arie gives her the rose, and they make out against a wall, in front of the camera like it’s nothing.

Back at the Hotel

Jacqueline decides she isn’t ready for Arie to meet her family because they’ve only been on a single date and she is too smart for this TV show. She visits Arie in his hotel room, where they have the most romantic breakup ever. A bottle of wine and two wine glasses are placed perfectly before them as they talk through Jacqueline’s doubts and concerns. She doesn’t see this relationship panning out — she has seven years of schooling left and doesn’t want to move to Scottsdale.

This sounds like what happens to all the Bachelor couples — they realize it wasn’t worth it to move across the country for someone they’ve known for six weeks. We can’t tell if Arie is upset about Jacqueline, or upset about being rejected on his own show.

Second One-On-One With Lauren B.

Arie picks Lauren B. for a second one-on-one in two weeks. It’s like he’s trying to get to know Lauren B. on a deeper level, but there just isn’t one. The pair walks around the town in complete silence, which actually sounds kind of nice. It’s hard to tell if they’re really comfortable, or really awkward.

Lauren B. breaks the silence to proclaim that the piazza where they’re eating pizza looks “so Italian.” Bravo, Lauren B. You’re one hell of a conversationalist. Luckily, Arie is right there with her. #imexcitedbypizzaandexcitement

After lunch, the couple goes straight to dinner. We think it’s a little weird that their date is basically just going from one meal to another, but then we remember that’s basically what life is. Plus, it’s not like they’re actually eating it, anyway.

Out of nowhere, Lauren B. reveals that she is falling in love with Arie, and Arie does what all men do when they hear the L word … he gets up abruptly and walks away. Naturally, Lauren B. starts tearing up. When Arie comes back, he explains that he is overwhelmed with emotion, and falling in love with her too! We guess Arie isn’t the worst, he’s just inept when it comes to emotions. So, he’s basically just your average guy. Lauren B. gets the rose.

Third One-On-One With Seinne

This next date is more or less our dream date: hunting for truffles with two super cute truffle hunting dogs. Oh, and an “authentic” Italian man. The one good thing we’ve learned about Arie is that he’s a dog person, which they’ve made very clear this season by incorporating puppies (along with race cars #ugh) into every other date. They take the truffles back to this rando’s house to eat dinner with his family. Where does ABC find these people, and why do they agree to eat dinner with a random couple for television?!

Seinne and Arie are very excited for their “authentic Italian meal” of pizza and pasta. Arie references his Domino’s career for the zillionth time as he helps make an “authentic” heart-shaped pizza. Arie must think Seinne’s interactions with this random, albeit “authentic,” Italian family is a good measure for how hometowns would go.

The dinner does not go so well. Although Arie and Seinne bond over their insights on Italian culture (because they are both experts now) they don’t have the conversation that Arie envisioned. In his direct-to-camera interview, Arie says that Seinne would basically have to say she’s falling for him to compete with Becca K. and Lauren B. Damn, if only in the real world all you needed to do was say “I love you” to get the guy.

Seinne doesn’t seem to be going in that direction. A clock tower chimes ominously in the background as Seinne talks about her hesitations about moving to Scottsdale. Arie sends Seinne home because their relationship hasn’t progressed enough. Seinne is unfazed, hopefully because she knows she deserves better.

Three-on-One Date

with Kendall, Millennial Bekah and Tia

The three-on-one date is the highlight of every season! It’s always when the most drama goes down. Throwback to JoJo’s three-on-one when it rained all day so they just got hammered in her hotel room. That was TV gold. This time they go to Napoleon's sister’s house (wasn’t he French?), so it’s a little bit classier than JoJo’s, but we still have high hopes.

Kendall is feeling the pressure because she and Arie have yet to have a real date. Luckily, she has a high EQ (just ask Taylor) and knows Arie is a sucker for positive affirmation. Kendall reveals that she would move to Scottsdale for Arie. It’s no “I love you,” but considering they’ve never been on a real date, it’s pretty close. They make out because Arie is scared he may lose his reputation as the kissing bandit.

Tia decides it’s a good time to bring up Millennial Bekah’s age again, as if this poor girl — we mean grown, adult woman — hasn’t gotten enough crap for being 22. Tia tells Arie that she doesn’t think Bekah is serious enough, to which he nods his head. Tia feels satisfied by this nod, and they make out. Loudly. UGH. Oh, and Tia tells Arie that she loves his lips.

Tia immediately owns up to Bekah about her convo with Arie. What she did is petty, but we guess it’s cool she gives Bekah the heads up instead of just saying it behind her back. It’s a pretty tame confrontation — Tia tells Bekah she’s too young. Bekah cries a lot. No one yells.

Then Bekah cries to Arie. She’s upset that no one sees her for who she really is, and essentially tries to back up her “age is just a number” ideology. She also mentions her gray hairs to try to relate to Arie in his old age, but his eyes are more glazed over than a Krispy Kreme donut. He nods his head. Bekah is satisfied with the conversation. They make out. Loudly. Ugh.

Arie gives Kendall the rose. Probably because she was the only one who wasn’t causing a scene. This means that Arie will have more time with Tia and Bekah to make his decision. So of course he takes them to dinner (classic move). Their convos went something like this:

Tia: “I love you and your pillow lips. I can’t wait to take you to Arkansas to hang out with my best friend Raven and drink moonshine.”

Bekah:Arie I’m an old soul, I swear.”

Tia: “I’m from the south.”

Bekah: “I may be 22, but my spirit is 100.”

Arie: “I like pizza.”

Arie tells Bekah to trust her “22-year-old self,” which is the worst advice for a 22-year-old to hear, and sends her home. Which mean Tia’s bringing Arie home!

Eliminated

Jacqueline (by choice)

Seinne

Millennial Bekah

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