'The Real Housewives of Orange County' recap: Season premiere

Welcome to a brand-new season with the O.G.s of the O.C.!  It’s all back: the big hair, the big boobs and of course, the Botox.  And the ladies are opening big. They've been feuding for years and openly planting stories about each other in the press, and now, this season begins with Gretchen getting GretchenChristineBeauté-fied to meet Tamra for lunch.  But before we get into that …

Yes, we all love the drama, but don’t sleep on the best part – the taglines!  Every couple of seasons, the ladies get to change that one sentence that they think sums up their lives. No matter what happens on the show, and no matter how much they want to blame the producers or editing, this little tidbit is their own creation and they have no one to blame but themselves. Let’s analyze, shall we?

Tamra Barney “I call the shots in my life now, and I have good aim.”

We’ll see.  But I doubt it.

Vicki Gunvalson “My tank is full and I’m driving into my future.”

I am actually happy for Vicki getting out of a dead-end relationship, but for Pete’s sake, someone needs to tell her to stop talking about her “love tank”!

Alexis Bellino “I thank God every day for my life – and you would too!”

Weellllll…probably not.  But do you, Alexis?  Do you?

Heather Dubrow “I may be married to a plastic surgeon, but I’m 98% real.”

Uhhhh, no.  I know she is going for charmingly self-deprecating here, but…no.

Gretchen Rossi “Don’t call me a princess. Call me the boss!”

Say what you will about Gretchen, but the girl’s a hustler. She’s the kind of girl who, when life handed her lemons, she stuffed them in her bra and shimmied her way to the top.  You know what?  I think I will call her the boss!

OK, back to the show. Over mojitos, Gretchen and Tamra agree to a tentative truce.  Slade, who has taken the brunt of Tamra’s abuse, has, understandably, a major issue with the forging of their friendship.

Vicki “What Comes Around Goes Around” Gunvalson has a divorce on the horizon and is loving life again while happily dating an older version of Slade Brooks.

Alexis has found a new career. She’s a “beauty tip, health tip correspondent” for who else but Fox 5 in San Diego.  Disregard her live performance … I just need there to not be a Dr. Booty and for there not to be a National Booty Awareness Month.

Vicki decides to have a dinner party and invite all the girls. Everyone retreats to their camp to prepare. Alexis meets with Gretchen to discuss how distraught she (still) is that Peggy dated her husband Jim back in the day. At the exact same time, Tamra is at home licking her surgically altered chops waiting for Peggy to tell her if Jim has a “gigantic penis.”  Really, Tamra?  Eww.  Tamra loves the idea of Alexis being uncomfortable with this situation. In the spirit of fairness, I have to mention here that Alexis has never actually done anything to Tamra, so I ask you: Where is all this hostility coming from?!

Since the ladies tend to act like a gossipy gaggle of high school girls - and we love to judge them for it - why not give them awards fit for a teen?  Superlatives, anyone?

Most Improved: Tamra

Tamra wins this award at the beginning of every season because she always starts with the best intentions. The question is: Can she keep it up?

Most Likely to Succeed: Gretchen

The girl is unstoppable. She knows what she wants, knows how to get it and has fun along the way. And she’s scrappy – I like it!

Least Likely to Be A Millionaire: Alexis

Oh, honey. I want to like you, but something is just a bit off. You are not who you say you are, and you don’t have what you say you have.

Least Likely to Go Away: Peggy

Newsflash, Peggy – you quit the show!  Yes, other housewives who have left the show appear every now and then, but when you quit and then show up in the next season’s premiere, we know you have trouble letting go. Maybe that’s Alexis’ issue with you having dated Jim…

Certificate of Participation: Heather

You didn’t make much of an impression, but our records show that you were, in fact, present. 

Class Clown

We already know the ladies crack themselves up, but love ‘em or hate ‘em, you know they make us laugh too. My vote for this week is Tamra for saying, “There’s a reason dogs sniff each other’s ass before they become friends.”

What do you think? Let me know in the comments below and be sure to follow me on Twitter @MutesVoice.

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