'The Real Housewives of Orange County' recap: 'Bowling for Champs'

After last week’s mudslinging episode, we start off tonight with Tamra arriving at Heather’s house to debrief about the mud run. Tamra’s mouth says “I was impressed with you at the mud run!” but her eyes say “Are you gonna buy a house from me or not? How long do we have to keep up this charade?!” Ignoring Tamra’s eyes, as she does most social cues, Heather goes on to unveil her brilliant idea of champagne bowling. As if no one ever thought to combine alcohol and knocking down pins before.

On the other side of the O.C., Vicki and Brooks meet for a “don’t get used to this” lunch date and Brooks has snuck his daily greeting card into Vicki’s purse. Although she states in the talking head interview that she has given Brooks access to her cell phones, email and Facebook account, she looks visibly disturbed that he has gotten into her purse! Today’s card emotes that Brooks is enjoying the ride with Vicki. Seriously, this guy gives her a card every single day. That is not sustainable. Not for the environment, not for romance! Hey Brooks, ever heard of someecards.com?

During lunch, Brooks awkwardly asks Vicki how the assets are going to be split in her divorce with Donn. Even though Tamra suspects our southern gentleman is an opportunist (and in the words of another Southerner: them's fightin’ words!), I am almost positive that Bravo producers put him up to that. Even Slade wouldn’t be that obvious. As a matter of fact, maybe Vicki told Brooks to ask that on camera. After all, she got to list about 4 different properties she is trying to sell, and we know that Tamra isn’t her realtor!

Over in Alexis' world — and it is her own world — the Bellinos are enjoying date night and quality time together. And what is quality time for if not to complain about how little time you get to spend together? While Alexis sees the new challenges as positives, Jim espouses his beliefs that a wife should stay at home, that Alexis only has so much time to raise “his children”, and that maybe Alexis should start saying “no” to some things starting with her gig at Fox 5. After watching Alexis’ latest Fox 5 segment I can only come up with one conclusion: never in the history of the world has a man buried so much truth in so much misogyny.

The rest of tonight’s episode gets to the core of who people really are. Tamra loses 600ccs from her chest so as not to be judged by her big boobs anymore, while Vicki is accosted during bowling and Gretchen defends her, showing that she really does try to stand up for what she thinks is right. Gretchen also shows up in Tamra’s recovery room with a penis-shaped bottle of tequila as a gift…I’m telling you, the O.C. gals have a completely different edition of Emily Post’s Rules of Etiquette than the rest of us.

So let’s stop being polite and get down to tonight’s superlatives. In honor of Heather’s bowling motif, let’s see who comes out on top.

The Gutterball: Eddie

I think he was trying to be supportive, but Eddie just comes off lecherous in the episode. From trying to talk Tamra out of total implant removal (in the waiting room!) to being overly curious about where the extra ccs were going, Eddie’s mind was completely in the gutter.

The Spare: Sarah

I had high hopes for the spice she might bring, but tonight she just brought the crazy and the desperation. She went the way of D.D., Camille Grammer’s BFF from the Beverly Hills Housewives, and made her friend’s fight her own. Both started from a place of loyalty, but they both also knew exactly where the cameras were. It takes more than a fight to promote you from friend to Housewife. Sarah can blame it on the alcohol, but after a few drinks, even if your goal is true, your aim is a little off.

The Strike: Gretchen

Aside from her singing, Gretchen bowled a perfect game tonight. She was there for Tamra right after surgery (which is more than we can say for Vicki), she stayed away from confrontation during the mandatory group filming bowling party, and she rightfully defended Vicki when she was unnecessarily attacked. That’s a 300 in my book.

Next week the ladies go “glamping”. It’s Blair Witch 2.0! Who do you think will come back with poison ivy? Make your predictions in the comments below and be sure to follow me on Twitter, @MutesVoice.

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