Well, here we are — another season of "The Bachelor." It’s Nick Viall’s fourth run at finding love on national television. As you may know, this season is bizarre for me because I know Nick. But ultimately, I’m here for your entertainment and this show makes that easy.
As has become standard, the premiere starts with a reel of what Nick's life is like without "The Bachelor." Not sure that exists for him, but they try. We see him with the youngest of his (like 14) siblings, Bella, who became a staple on this franchise when speaking to Andi Dorfman and Kaitlyn Bristowe during Nick's first and second shot at love. Bella looks like a teenager now, which goes to show how long he’s been involved with the show.
They give us a teaser of Nick calling himself the Bachelor, but with his speech impediment, he can’t actually say the word.
We are reminded that he was dumped twice on national television and then broke up with Jen on "Bachelor in Paradise" because he knew that he was the next Bachelor.
Only five minutes in, Nick says, “I’m gonna give America a happy ending” and then laughs, validating my assumption that this is going to be an aggressively sexual season.
Once again, the new Bachelor gets advice from former suitors: Sean Lowe, who is still married to Catherine and has a new baby with her; Ben Higgins, the world’s most boring man; and Prince Farming, who loves his bourbon. The only thing I gathered from this was Nick’s lisp is not going anywhere.
THE CONTESTANT TEASERS
Chris Harrison is back and tells us that because Nick is now likeable after "Bachelor in Paradise," the franchise is giving him another chance at finding love. On national television. And I’m guessing now is when Luke Pell turns his TV off.
As always, we are given teasers of some of this season's contestants before we meet them one by one. Tonight, we are privy to:
Rachel, an attorney from Dallas. They show her hard at work and then dancing while vacuuming because, you know, she’s versatile. And by versatile, I mean she wears flip-flops with a dress.
Danielle L., who tells us she’s a successful business woman because she opened her first nail salon when she was 23, and I wonder if that’s how she paid for her implants.
Vanessa, a teacher, speaks in Italian during her whole reel. When she tries to speak English, she pronounces vulnerable “vah-na-bel,” so it’s really great she’s teaching America’s youth.
Josephine is a nursing student who wears her scrubs and glasses while meowing at her cat, so she’s literally a walking cliche of both a porn star and a single girl.
Raven tells us her life is “family, faith and football” with an exaggerated Southern accent. Her accent is so thick I am pretty sure I’ll laugh when she and the lisp try to engage in conversation.
Corrine is a 23-year-old who has a nanny. Like, for herself.
Alexis, who says she walks to CVS in a sumo wrestling costume because life’s too short, while I wonder why I’m spending my short life watching this show.
Taylor, a mental health counselor. Because, you know, being a "Bachelor" contestant is exactly what you look for in a therapist.
Elizabeth (Liz), who confesses she had sex with Nick after Jade and Tanner's wedding. She also has a nose ring and I didn’t know that was a thing after college.
MEET THE WOMEN
After those teasers, we are taken back to the mansion where all of this season's contestants will be introduced to Nick — and more importantly, to us.
First out of the limo is Danielle L., who says, “I can’t wait to get to know you inside." Another innuendo right off the bat.
Next is Elizabeth, a marketing manager, who has a Southern accent and is essentially wearing a wedding dress. I’m guessing she “markets” for Tinder.
Rachel, the attorney who wears flip-flops with dresses.
Christen, a wedding videographer who does a weird paper fan dance in a bright yellow dress and calls Nick a celebrity. I’m pretty sure she’s half in the bag already.
Taylor, the mental health counselor who is paid to give advice while finding it healthy to compete for love on national TV, calls Nick a piece of [expletive], and it doesn’t go over well because you can’t say anything rude to Nick and his ego.
Kristina, a dental hygienist who is less memorable than this sentence.
Angela, a “model” from South Carolina who made my last sentence more enjoyable than it was.
Lauren, who introduces herself by saying that they both have terrible last names — his being Viall and hers being Hussey. “Together they’re a disgusting slut," she says. Charming.
Michelle, who chose the line, “I’ve heard your last relationships were lemons so let’s make some lemonade,” and I wonder how long it took for her to come up with that.
Ida Marie tells him trust is important so she wants to fall into Nick's arms and he says, “Let’s do it girl." I don’t understand her name or his response.
Olivia uses her home state of Alaska as an excuse to ask for an Eskimo kiss, and she’s definitely going home.
Sarah doesn’t exit a limo, but runs to him in sneakers and says, “I thought you’d appreciate another runner-up,” which is basically the best way to ruin a first date.
Jasmine G. is next and all I can think is, “Wait, there is more than one Jasmine?” She says, “I know you’ve done this a million times so I brought a friend to help,” and Neil Lane steps out of the limo. I wonder how much they had to pay him for this.
Hailey says she doesn’t want to make him nervous so she asks, “Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?” When Nick says, “no” girl, she responds with, “Neither do I.” Sex.
Astrid, approaches Nick and speaks in all German about sex and breasts. At least we think so, because none of us speak German.
Liz, the girl he had sex with after Jade and Tanner's wedding, is next. Nick doesn’t remember her, which could be his problem in finding love. He doesn’t have memorable sex.
Corrine, who is definitely this season's villain, gives him a “hug token” that she wants him to give to her later.
Vanessa is the perfect combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen, which Nick definitely notices because he calls her a keeper.
Danielle M. brings him homemade maple syrup and feeds it to him before saying, “If things get sticky with the other girls you can come find me.” I don’t know if she meant for this to be filled with innuendos, but it is.
Raven, and her terrible Southern accent, teach Nick a cheer that I hope to never hear again.
Jaimi tells him that he has some balls and that she does too. He asks what that means and she pulls a nose ring out of her nostrils. Gross. She’s going home
Briana wants Nick to take his shirt off but he can’t because he’s definitely wearing Spanx.
Susannah asks to give him a beard massage and I wonder if it’s because she thinks he’s gay.
Josephine looks alarmingly like previous contestant Vienna. She brought him a book and when she opens it up, a hot dog is inside. She says, “You’re a wiener in my book” and then they “Lady and the Tramp it” by taking a bite out of both ends. I’m as uncomfortable watching this as I am writing about it.
Brittany puts on a plastic glove and asks Nick to bend over, and that’s not the first time this has happened to Nick, for sure.
Jasmine B. is like the 15th woman wearing a red dress and that’s all we know about her.
Whitney gets like two seconds of camera time so she’s going home for sure.
Lacey decides to ride a camel up to the mansion and says, “I hear you like a good hump and so do I,” and that joke wrote itself.
Alexis, an “aspiring dolphin trainer” walks out in a shark costume and tells him, “I dolphin-itely can’t wait to talk to you inside.” She is my worst nightmare.
Nick greets the women and stutters through his speech. He says, “I’m the Bachelor” at least six times, which is a precursor for everything that Nick is and will be for the next 11 weeks.
Rachel is the first to take him away and they connect over their time in Wisconsin and having big families. Because Nick has like 14 siblings.
Several other women get some time with him but all we hear is Nick saying, “I’m the Bachelor” repeatedly.
Chris Harrison brings in the first impression rose and says, “You know what to do with this,” which makes me laugh out loud. You know, because this is Round 4 for Nick.
Nick tells like 17 women that their dresses look incredible on them. While he’s with Vanessa, who looks like a combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen, Corrine, who is definitely this season's villain, interrupts for more time. And a kiss. Corrine is the first kiss of the season and it’s night one.
Obviously, the rest of the women are upset about this, so I’m the smartest and we are officially being introduced to our season villain. Hello, Corrine.
Alexis, the aspiring dolphin trainer dressed in a shark costume, makes dolphin noises while prancing around the mansion. She gets in the pool and “calls” for Nick with her dolphin noises.
Nick moves on to Liz, who he has had sex with but doesn’t remember. He says, “We’ve met before” but isn’t sure exactly what went down. Such a charmer, this guy.
After a conversation with Danielle M., the girl with the maple syrup, Nick goes inside to grab the first impression rose. He pulls Rachel, the attorney who wears flip-flops with a dress, aside and offers it to her, after reminding us that he’s the Bachelor. She accepts and they kiss.
Nick thanks the women for being there like 15 times before going to chat with Chris Harrison about who he is sending home. They talk for a few seconds about Liz, who he slept with at Jade and Tanner's wedding and then Chris is over it so sends Nick out for eliminations.
Ida Marie, whose name I don’t understand.
Olivia, who asked for an Eskimo kiss because Alaska.
Lauren, the girl who dubbed them the "disgusting slut."
Briana, who asked him to take his shirt off.
Angela, who was too boring to remember.
Jasmine B., the 15th woman to wear a red dress tonight.
Michelle, who chose the line, “I’ve heard your last relationships were lemons so let’s make some lemonade” as her intro.
Susannah, the girl who wanted to give him a beard massage.
HOMETOWN DATE PREDICTIONS
Liz, because he knows he’ll get lucky. Again. And maybe remember it this time.
Vanessa, because she is the perfect combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen.
Corrine, who is definitely this season's villain, because Nick knows how to gauge an audience.
Rachel, the attorney who wears flip-flops with dresses. For the same reason as above.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
“I don’t speak German but I think she said sex” – Nick. Proving this season will be all about sex.
It’s going to be another good one, you guys. Let me know what you think on Twitter @abbydraper. See you next week!