As this week's episode of "The Bachelor" begins, we are reminded that last week, Nick shed a lot of tears and threatened to quit. We all know that’s not going to happen because that would mean he wouldn’t be on TV anymore. There's a higher chance that I stop laughing at Nick's lisp than that happening
Chris Harrison, savior to all suitors, checks in with Nick to ask him if he is ready to give up and go home. Nick basically says, “maybe,” before he walks straight into the women’s villa without knocking first. I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but like, knock before entering, dude.
He tearfully pretends that this is a struggle for him but that he is optimistic in the relationships he has with the remaining six women. He reminds them that he’s “been that close [to marriage] before” but this time he wants to “get all the way there,” and I’m certain that’s a euphemism. Also, dollar.
That being said, he doesn’t want to have a cocktail party or rose ceremony, so he cancels and tells the group they’re off to Bimini. I’m almost positive none of these women know where Bimini is but they still act excited about it. I mean, they were excited about Wisconsin, so really Bimini could mean anything.
The date card arrives and Kristina, who became my favorite last week, reads, “Vanessa, let’s go deeper… Nick.” Corinne, this season's villain, is upset that she wasn’t selected for the one-on-one date and I’m assuming it’s because of what the date card implies.
This week’s dates are important, because those who receive a rose will (likely) have a hometown date next week.
FIRST ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Nick is sweating profusely while he and Vanessa, the perfect combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen, lie on the front of a boat to talk about their relationship. They decide that despite how awful last week was, they still totally want to do this.
Once they’ve kissed and made up, they dive into the water and make out by an abandoned wrecked ship, which is an incredible metaphor for this entire season.
Vanessa tells Nick that she is falling in love with him. He responds with, “I have fallen in love in this environment before” (dollar) and then, “I really, really like you,” which is what every girl wants to hear after saying "I love you."
She isn’t pleased with his response, and we honestly don’t see any more of her the rest of the night.
The second date card is read and Raven, with her terrible Southern accent, tells the group, “Corinne, Kristina, Raven, let’s jump in with both feet first. Nick.”
Neither Rachel, who was named the next Bachelorette on Monday, nor Danielle, the neonatal nurse who talks like an actual baby, are included, so we’re left to assume they each have a one-on-one date later in the episode. Guess who isn’t happy about this?
The girls meet Nick for a ride on what is probably the same yacht he was just on with Vanessa, and he is wearing floral shorts. I hope Nick's next stint on this franchise is as a pool boy on "Bachelor in Paradise." He’s certainly got the necessary wardrobe.
Corinne suggests they all take their clothes off. When they’ve stripped down to their bikinis, Nick rubs sunscreen all over Kristina and “doesn’t want to forget her inner thigh,” which is an innuendo that I don’t have to elaborate on.
Nick says, “Today is going to be nothing but awesomeness,” because he’s trying to fit in with a group of people 10 or more years his junior.
After a few glasses of champagne, he divulges that they will be swimming with sharks today. They think it sounds miserable, but to be honest it sounds like more fun than watching Nick rub lotion all over another woman’s thighs.
During the cocktail part of the group date, Nick takes each woman aside to chat. He cries, he laughs, he uses a lot of tongue, enunciates his lisp, and cries some more.
Nick offers Raven and her terrible Southern accent the group date rose. She accepts, and then he asks her to join him for one more thing and leaves Corinne and Kristina on the couch.
They walk to the beach and a very short man is singing a song I’ve never heard. Naturally, they dance to it.
SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
The second one-on-one date card reads, “Danielle, let’s ride off into the sunset together. Nick.”
So that they can “ride into the sunset,” Danielle and Nick hop on beach cruisers and head to the beach. They play a game of basketball with a group of local kids, because it’s not a season of "The Bachelor" unless that happens. Danielle says that she is “150 bajillion percent” falling for Nick, and that is not a number.
When they sit down to chat, they have nothing to talk about so they drink beer and stare at the water.
In her baby voice, Danielle tells Nick that she wants to take on the world with him and she’s never felt that way before, despite having been engaged. Nick friend zones her hard and sends her home.
Through tears, she scoops her things and says goodbye to the remaining ladies who aren’t Corinne.
The final date card of the week before hometowns arrives and Corinne reads, “Rachel – let’s get a taste of the local flavor. Nick.”
After learning Danielle had been sent home and that Rachel was getting the final one-on-one date, Corinne decides that she needs to see (seduce) Nick before he makes his decisions for hometowns. She sneaks to his hotel room in a low-cut black top, leather pants and Louboutin heels that she can’t walk in. Honestly, this is like “I’m about to be broken up with so I need to fix it with a sexy outfit and … sex” 101, and I commend her.
After acting surprised that she is there, Nick pours Corinne a glass of champagne and they make out. She suggests they go to his room and “dive into bed,” and it only takes Nick 30 seconds to remind us he’s done this before. He whispers, “Slow down. I don’t think this is a good idea” before bringing up having sex with Kaitlyn. Dollar.
Corinne stumbles back home and Nick probably rewatches one of the former seasons he was on before calling it a night.
THIRD ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Nick brings Rachel, who was announced as the next Bachelorette on Monday, to a place that has “no tourists” and is strictly for locals, so I’m sure they’re super stoked to have a production crew there.
Nick asks about going home with her to meet her family, and she tells him that he’s the first white man she would ever bring home. This reminds me of Skills and Bevin before graduation on "One Tree Hill," except I cared more about that relationship than I do any of these.
They kiss and then Rachel goes back to the resort with the other women. This is the shortest one-on-one date I’ve ever seen, but since she’s the next Bachelorette, no one cares about their relationship anymore.
Before the rose ceremony, Nick and Chris Harrison have another bro chat and Corinne talks about herself in the third person. Nick tells Chris that he knows who he's going to send home but that he doesn’t want to do it publicly, despite doing it on national television.
He cries some more and then walks into the women’s villa without knocking again.
Nick asks where Kristina is and then takes her outside to talk more about his experience on 100 seasons of this franchise before crying through their breakup. I honestly could have made like $38 if I were really getting paid a dollar every time he talks about being dumped on TV during this episode.
Kristina says her goodbyes and heads back to Kentucky, while we learn we have to wait until next week for the rose ceremony.
This episode should be called, “I’ve seen Nick Viall cry more times than I’ve seen myself cry.”
Danielle, the neonatal nurse who talks like an actual baby.
Kristina, who became my favorite last week
Vanessa, because she is the perfect combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen.
Corinne, this season's villain.
Rachel, which seems kind of dumb now that we know she’s going home.
Raven, and her terrible Southern accent.
I was right about three of them, thank you very much.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
“I’d live in a shack with no diamonds to be with Nick. … Who am I?” – Corinne.
Let me know what you think on Twitter @abbydraper. See you next week