We start this week's episode of "The Bachelor" back in the Bayou, where Taylor, the mental health counselor who is paid to give advice while finding it healthy to compete for love on national TV, has somehow found her way to Corinne, this season's villain, and Nick's dinner date, despite being sent home earlier that day.
Taylor interrupts their date and says, “First, Corinne you lied today and second, [Nick] can I talk to you?” Nick channels his acting coach and “reluctantly” agrees before going outside to talk to Taylor. She makes her case for Corinne being a liar and Nick doesn’t care. He gives his well-rehearsed, “Thank you for your transparency” speech and sends her on her way. Again.
When Nick returns to Corinne, she adjusts her boobs and leans in for some tongue rather than asking what happened. You gotta give it to her — she knows how Nick works. No questions, just sex.
The remaining women are all eager for some alone time with Nick before the rose ceremony, so naturally Chris Harrison greets them to tell them there is no cocktail party tonight because Nick already knows exactly what he wants to do: not spend any more time with them.
Nick makes a speech about himself (dollar) and then sends three women home.
After Jaimi, who called her nose ring balls, Alexis, who doesn’t know the difference between a dolphin and a shark, and Josephine, the girl who looks strangely identical to Vienna from Jake's season, say their goodbyes, Nick tells the rest of the ladies that they are headed to St. Thomas. He actually screams it like he’s an excited dad telling his young kids they’re spending Christmas at the beach. And, well, I guess this is kind of the same thing.
On the island, the girls check into the next JW Marriott and watch Nick arrive in a sea plane. When he steps out to greet them, he looks like a camp counselor from the '80s in a tank top, hyper-color swim trunks and brand new white sneakers.
He tells them that the first date this week is a one-on-one and scoops up Kristina, who I honestly know nothing about, to join him. When they leave, we learn that Jasmine, who brought Neil Lane with her to the mansion, is super upset he didn’t ask her.
Nick and Kristina take the sea plane to the Annaberg Ruins, where they sit on a rock and drink beer. The outfit makes sense now because this is just like at summer camp — when the campers go to bed and the counselors quietly drink in the woods before hooking up.
They talk a little bit about Kristina’s family until Nick is bored and wants to take his shirt off to go for a swim. And by swim, I mean make out in the water.
At dinner, as though he has been prodded to (because he has), Nick asks Kristina more about her family. Kristina shares her experience growing up in Russia and being placed in an orphanage after a fight with her mother before being adopted and moving to the states. I’m pretty sure that for the first time in the history of the franchise this was a genuine story and not like, “I got into a car accident once and no one came to visit me, so I’m not sure I’ll ever be loved.”
Kristina is my new favorite.
Nick offers her the rose and she accepts.
Back at the JW Marriott, the date card arrives and Rachel, who wears flip-flops with dresses, reads, “Love’s a beach… Nick. Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., Jasmine.”
Neither Whitney, who has done nothing memorable whatsoever, nor Danielle L., who has spent all of her dates with Nick dancing, are read, so everyone assumes there will be another two-on-one date this week.
Nick greets the women in an outfit he definitely bought straight off the mannequin at American Apparel, and they get on a catamaran that takes them to Abi Beach.
They play cornhole, take shots and then Nick suggests that they play a game of three-on-three volleyball while he watches.
None of the women enjoy this date at all and walk away from it crying, but Nick's used to that, so he doesn’t say anything to any of them. I guess they sleep it off because now we’re at the cocktail part of the date.
Basically, Nick takes each woman aside one by one and they all tell him that today was the worst. Also, Jasmine is losing her mind because she hasn’t been on a one-on-one date.
When Jasmine, who brought Neil Lane to the mansion with her, finally gets some time to talk to Nick alone, she tells him she’s super angry with him. So angry in fact, that she wants to throw him on the ground and choke him.
She then shows him what that would look like by putting her hand around his neck, and when he becomes visibly uncomfortable, she tries to turn it into a sexual thing. This is like watching a terrible first Tinder date go down at Chili’s.
Scared for his life, Nick sends Jasmine home.
The next morning, everyone is still upset about the group date the day before. Rachel, who wears flip-flops with dresses, casually mentions that Raven, and her terrible Southern accent, got the rose and I rewind to make sure I didn’t miss something. I didn’t, but I guess Raven got the group date rose.
For today’s date, Nick is dressed like Malibu Barbie. There wasn’t a date card, but it appears the ladies were right and Whitney and Danielle L. hop in a helicopter with Nick. When they land at the Preserve at Botany Bay, the three of them sit in what looks like the exact same cabana that Ashley I. and Kelsey sat in for their two-on-one date.
Nick takes Whitney aside first, and as he awkwardly strokes her leg he tells she has a “great aura” and is “very calming,” like she’s a yoga class.
Next is Danielle L. Nick asks her what questions she asks herself when she asks herself if she sees a future with him, and that doesn’t make sense at all.
After she says “like” 104 times, Nick leaves her to go back to Whitney. He tells Whitney he can’t give her the rose, hugs her and walks away, leaving her stranded.
Back at the hotel, Whitney’s bags are picked up, letting the other women know that she had been sent home. Vanessa, who is the perfect combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen, refers to Danielle L. as “D-Lo” and I’ve never hated a nickname more in my life.
After leaving Whitney alone on the beach, Nick takes Danielle L. to the oldest building on all of the islands because he needed to relate to something after such a terrible few days.
Nick asks Danielle L. to describe what she wants in a relationship and she says, “Umm, like… love? Trust?” and then giggles like she’s trying to get out of a speeding ticket. She asks him the same question and he says he wants someone who is “adventurous and raw” like he’s talking about eating a dried apricot. I say “gross” out loud.
She tells him she’s looking forward to their future together and he looks at the ground, so she’s definitely going home. We quickly learn he was looking at the ground so he could think about something sad, like being on this franchise again, because when he looks up, he’s crying. I say “gross” out loud again. Through “tears” he tells her that despite wanting to, he can’t give her the rose.
After putting her in the car, Nick heads straight to the JW Marriott and walks right into the women’s’ hotel room. I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to knock before doing something like that, but he’s had three seasons to learn the rules, so I guess not.
He sits down and tearfully tells them that he’s fearful the same thing is going to happen that’s happened to him before … three times.
When he leaves, five of the remaining six cry in fear that this isn’t going to work because Nick wants to leave. Corinne, however, is plotting her next move.
Which we will see next week.
Jaimi, who called her nose ring balls.
Alexis, who doesn’t know the difference between a dolphin and a shark.
Josephine, the girl who looks strangely identical to Vienna from Jake's season.
Jasmine, who brought Neil Lane with her to the mansion.
Whitney, who has done nothing memorable whatsoever.
Danielle L., probably because this date didn’t involve dancing.
HOMETOWN DATE PREDICTIONS
Danielle L., because I think he fell quick for her after the Backstreet Boys date. (Since Danielle L. went home, I want to replace her with Kristina because she is my new favorite.)
Vanessa, because she is the perfect combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen.
Corinne, who is definitely this season's villain, because Nick knows how to gauge an audience.
Rachel, the attorney who wears flip-flops with dresses. For the same reason as above.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
“Cats have nine lives and [expletives] have two. Taylor I’m sorry Nick doesn’t like you” -- Corinne
“I’m sure Corinne would be an amazing volleyball player… if she wasn’t drunk” -- Raven
Let me know what you think on Twitter @abbydraper. See you next week.