'The Bachelor' recap: Drain the swamp

For The Baltimore Sun
'The Bachelor' recap: Taylor and Corinne get the dreaded two-on-one, because of course.

This week's episode of "The Bachelor" begins right where we left off last week, with Corinne, this season's villain, and Taylor, the mental health counselor and Johns Hopkins grad who is paid to give advice while finding it healthy to compete for love on national TV, still fighting about what “emotional intelligence” means while the rest of the women watch and gossip.

I’m pretty sure watching this has lessened my “emotional intelligence” by a lot. The only enjoyable part is these women trying to articulate their feelings while they’re half in the bag.

Corinne leaves this argument to find Nick so she can tell him that Taylor isn’t there for the right reasons. He says “OK” 100 times, and I wish there was an “s” in that word because his lisp is even better when he’s been drinking.

ROSE CEREMONY

It’s apparently freezing in Wisconsin, because despite how much alcohol has been consumed, they can all see their breath. I wonder which woman is the most confused at this.

After Nick sends home Sarah, the girl with runner-up jokes, and Astrid, the girl with the huge German boobs, Nick tells the women he’s “jazzed” about the next place they’re going. Because it’s New Orleans and they play jazz music. Get it? Such a funny guy.

In New Orleans, Chris Harrison greets the women in their hotel room to let them know that this week there will be three dates: a one-on-one, a group date and a two-on-one. I’m kind of excited about this because the last few seasons of two-on-one dates have been amazing, with Ashley and Kelsey, Olivia and Emily and Alex and Chad facing off to find love on national television. Usually the one who doesn’t get the rose is stranded in the woods or on a beach having a nervous breakdown or plotting the demise of the competition.  

Chris Harrison leaves the date card which reads, “Rachel, where have you beignet all my life? Nick." The puns just keep on coming.  

ONE-ON-ONE DATE

Obviously, Rachel, the attorney who wears flip-flops with dresses, meets Nick in the French Quarter. I’m not totally sure what she’s wearing, but then I remember she wears flip-flops with dresses.

They spend the day eating oysters, hot sauce and beignets, and I hope Rachel gets a bathroom break before dinner because that combination cannot be sitting well.

For dinner, Nick takes Rachel to Mardi Gras World. Remember the episode of "Friends" when Ross walked around all day wearing a woman’s sweater? Nick is wearing the sweater from that episode on this date.

During dinner, Nick and his lisp ask Rachel if he looks stupid, and I will save this DVR recording for the rest of my life if only to watch that interaction on repeat.

While they’re talking about her father, a federal judge, Nick reminds Rachel that he’s asked two sets of parents for permission to marry their daughter (dollar) and I can think of nothing that would make a father prouder.

Back at the overly-advertised-on-this-episode JW Marriott, the date card arrives and Vanessa, who looks like a combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen reads, “Til death do us part. Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine, and Danielle L.”

This means that Corinne and Taylor are on the dreaded two-on-one date. Obviously, because they hate each other.

GROUP DATE

The ladies arrive to learn they will be spending the day at the most haunted house in Louisiana. I would assume that the most haunted house in Louisiana is the overly-advertised-on-this-episode JW Marriott after their arrival, but apparently not.

A creepy caretaker tells them that the home is haunted by a deceased 8-year-old, Mae, who doesn’t like her things to be messed with. Naturally, the women decide to mess with these things and, what do you know? The lights go out, rooms are destroyed, and a chandelier falls to the ground. Normally I’d imagine that’s what happens on all of Nick's dates, but since I’ve watched them all on TV I know that’s not correct.  

Honestly, the only two things worth mentioning during this date are that Nick references Scooby-Doo because he’s old, and Raven, with the horrible Southern accent, is the first to say, “I am in love with you” to him.  

At this point, I would rather be back on the date where Ben Z. had to stick his hand in a dirty toilet than at this haunted house.

Back at the overly-advertised-on-this-episode JW Marriott, Rachel is babysitting Corinne and Taylor when the date card arrives. She reads, “Corinne and Taylor, meet me in the Bayou. Nick,” which means one of them will be left in the middle of a swamp.

Nick offers the group date rose to Danielle M., the neonatal nurse who talks like an actual baby, and she accepts. How he made this decision, I have no idea, because that was actually the most boring group date I’ve ever witnessed. 

TWO-ON-ONE DATE

Nick, Corinne and Taylor hop on a boat to tread their way through the bayou swamp, where they are greeted by alligators, snakes and an animal spine.

When they dock the boat, they walk into the woods (honestly, I have no idea if this is considered the woods or a continuation of the swamp, but there are trees), where they learn that each of them will “be revealed” through a voodoo reading.

As the three of them sit down together, the reader claims there is a lot of tension, so she wants to do each person separately. She asks to read Taylor first, and Nick and Corinne walk away.

As though there is a script, the reader tells Taylor that she is “naturally intuitive, emotional and deeply in touch with her feelings,” followed by, “You are moving on from a toxic situation where someone around you is nasty, hurt and cutting in her words.” What a coincidence!  

While this is going on, Corinne tells Nick there is a situation between her and Taylor, and that Taylor emotionally attacked her. She says she feels bullied by Taylor, and I wonder if Corinne is checking Twitter now that she’s not filming because that’s where the real bullying happens.

It’s Corinne’s turn with the reader, so Nick and Taylor spend some alone time together. Nick, who has done this before (dollar) shares Corinne’s concerns with Taylor and I’m pretty sure Taylor’s face validates that she’s thinking, “I hope I was here long enough to score a deal with FabFitFun.”  

The voodoo reader reads from the script tells Corinne that she’s “dry, succinct and to the point, so much so that her mouth can get her into trouble.” Corinne doesn’t care and just wants to know how to make a voodoo doll.

Before Nick makes a decision about to whom to offer the rose, Corinne and Taylor have one final spat in which they throw shade about each other’s jobs.

Nick returns and says he wants someone he connects with emotionally, so naturally he offers the rose to Corinne and her emotional intelligence.

Nick and Corinne then leave Taylor alone to make out in a swamp, which seems fitting.

As the night falls (that sounds so poetic, go me!), Taylor walks back to the voodoo women — who are still chanting — and as they pour something on her, she says, “I am not going to go home without speaking my peace.”

Naturally, that means that she finds her way out of the woods(?) and to the exact location that Nick and Corinne are having dinner. I am bemused at how she did this without access to Facebook stalking, but somehow she found them.

She interrupts to tell Nick she needs to talk to him. And with that, we’re given another “To be continued…”

ELIMINATED

Sarah, the girl with runner-up jokes.

Astrid, the girl with the huge German boobs.

HOMETOWN DATE PREDICTIONS

Danielle L., because I think he fell quick for her after the Backstreet Boys date.   

Vanessa, because she is the perfect combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen. 

Corinne, who is definitely this season's villain, because Nick knows how to gauge an audience.

Rachel, the attorney who wears flip-flops with dresses. For the same reason as above.  

LINE OF THE NIGHT 

Since this episode was so boring, I have three to make up for it:

“Absent makes the heart grow stronger” – Nick. Say it with a lisp, it makes it so much better. 

“Their relationship will be built off of whipped cream and lies” – Taylor about Corinne and Nick.

“Make America Corinne again” – Corinne.

Let me know what you think on Twitter @abbydraper. See you next week. 

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