'The Bachelor' recap: Down on the farm

For The Baltimore Sun
"The Bachelor" recap: Shoveling cow poop -- every woman’s dream date.

Before we get into this week's episode of "The Bachelor," if you needed a refresher from last week — everyone in the house is upset with Corinne, this season's villain, for showing Nick her boobs and then straddling him in the bouncy house. Vanessa, who looks like a combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen, has pulled Nick aside to tell him she’s there to be a wife, not a bed buddy.

Nick says, “I get it, I’ve been in your situation before,” and if I had a dollar for every time he said that, I wouldn’t have to watch this show anymore.

America’s hero Chris Harrison saves the day and lets us know it’s rose ceremony time.

ROSE CEREMONY

Nick reminds everyone he’s been where they’re standing (dollar) and then gives another rehearsed speech about gratitude and patience.

While all of the other women hope he sends Corinne home, he definitely doesn’t. She knows they’ve been talking about her, so she does what you do when you’re 24: Offer a passive-aggressive response with a toast that’s actually a dig about being yourself to find true love. Textbook move.

The next morning, Chris Harrison is back to tell the women to pack their bags because they’re about to travel around the globe … starting with Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They cheer because most of them probably aren’t old enough to know what a globe, or Wisconsin, is.

In Wisconsin, before he greets the remaining women, Nick meets his parents at a coffee shop and reminds them, in case they forgot, that he’s done this a few times before (dollar). At this point, all 48 of the Vialls have been trained to cry on cue, so they do.

Nick’s dad, whom I’m comfortable calling by his first name (Chris) at this point, says, “I don’t want to see you on this show again.” I’m fairly certain Chris isn’t the only one.

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE

Nick greets the ladies and then asks Danielle L., whom he played "grab-the-booty" with last week during the Backstreet Boys concert, if she’d like to go on a date with him. I feel like this is promising because this is the only girl he’s asked out without having another girlfriend's help in reading a card an intern wrote for him. Also because if she is going on a date fresh from a travel day with 14 other suitors, she deserves the rose without having to do anything else.  

As they walk to start their date, Nick tells Danielle L. a story of being dared to jump into the dirty lake they were passing for $12 when he was a kid. “You could do a lot with $12 back in that day,” he says, and I laugh out loud because that was like 30 years ago for him and she wasn’t even born.

This date is quite actually a walk through more of Nick’s experiences with exes. By a movie theater, he says "This is where I first got dumped." As they’re walking down the street, Nick “runs into” a(nother) former ex, Amber, who just happened to be having coffee alone, facing the window of the street Nick was walking down at the time with his date. Oh, and rather than continue to walk, Nick pulls his go-to move and decides to sit down to chat with both women.

This first date is almost as bad as his first date with Vanessa — during which he cried and Vanessa threw up.  

As they continue their walk down Nick’s exes lane, he leads Danielle L. to a park to tell her it’s where he lost his virginity. On their first date. Couldn’t he have just handed her his childhood diary and hit the bar with Amber the ex?

Finally, they make it to the evening portion of their date. Danielle L. says she is looking for marriage, so Nick gives her the rose.

Much to my disappointment, there’s more. It’s a concert. A guy who looks like Chris Soules sings while they dance and make out in front of a bunch of strangers. It’s like the D-list version of the Backstreet Boys date that she’s already been on.

Things can only get better, right? No.    

GROUP DATE CARD

Danielle M., the neonatal nurse who talks like an actual baby, answers the door to get the card and reads, “Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Justine, Danielle M., Corinne… Say cheese.” 

This means Raven and her terrible Southern accent will be going on the next one-on-one.

GROUP DATE

The women arrive to a farm, and after the concert last night, I kind of hope this date is actually with Prince Farming instead of Nick.

Basically, they’re going to be doing chores at a dairy farm. This is as terrible as it sounds, so what I’m going to share is the important part —incredible quotes from Corinne, this season's villain.  

Upon arriving at the farm: “I want to be at a nice spa, being fed a taco. Preferably … chicken.”

When learning their date is to do chores on a dairy farm: “I don’t want to do chores. Let alone farm chores. What the [expletive] are farm chores?”

When they move from milking cows to shoveling cow manure: “I need sushi.”

Back at the Airbnb in Waukesha, Wisc., the other one-on-one date card arrives and Danielle L. reads, “Raven; Let’s kick it, Nick”

After shoveling “poopy,” which is what Corinne calls manure, the group date heads to a restaurant called The Paine — a metaphor for what this episode has been.

Vanessa, the perfect combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen, tells the camera, “This was just another Corinne show tonight” and well … she was right.

While Nick is outside, Corinne, who has clearly reached her “it’s time to be passive aggressive” number of drinks, decides she wants to confront the group again. Basically, she learns that the rest of the women don’t think she’s mature enough for a marriage with Nick (LOL) and that she was disrespectful by taking a nap during a rose ceremony.

Corinne offers more gold with, “Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps,” and I’m curious as to why those were the two people she thought to mention liking naps. She finally drops the mic with, “We’re fighting for a fiance and not a pickle.”

Corinne is over these women and decides to leave the group to find Nick. When she tells Nick about her experience with the other women, you’ll never guess how he responds: “I know how you’re feeling. I’ve been there, too.” (Dollar.)

Nick offers the group rose to Kristina, who I still know nothing about and even she is surprised. She accepts.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE

Raven, with her terrible Southern accent, is the first to run and jump into Nick's arms when she greets him. She’s clearly seen his past seasons.

Their date is to watch Bella’s soccer game. As you may remember, Bella is Nick’s youngest sibling who has become notorious for giving Andi and Kaitlyn a hard time during hometowns.

During the game Nick takes Raven to meet his parents, and I wonder if they’re both thinking, “God our kid has a type.”

After the game, Bella asks if they want to go roller-skating with her. To be fair, while there is a lot to make fun of this season, this is the most genuine date I think Nick’s been on during the entirety of his appearances on the franchise.

In another move from the Book of Nick Viall, he leaves Raven alone with Bella while at the skating rink for her practiced interrogation. Bella's third round at this is pretty solid. I’d say third time's a charm, but you see where that got Nick.   

Nick takes Raven to have dinner at the Milwaukee Art Museum, where she tells the story of catching her ex-boyfriend cheating on her. The story goes as follows: A friend called her and suggested he was cheating, she took her mom’s car to his house, kicked his door down to find him “thrusting” the other woman, threw him off of her, punched her repeatedly and then used her stiletto to beat the ex-boyfriend. Definitely sounds like someone a 36-year-old man should be marrying, right?  

Unsure if he’s terrified or “turned on,” Nick offers her the rose and she accepts. If this season doesn’t end well for him, can we really feel badly?  

COCKTAIL PARTY

Danielle L., who already has a rose, pulls Nick aside, and because of this, Taylor, the mental health counselor (and Johns Hopkins grad) who is paid to give advice while finding it healthy to compete for love on national TV, wants to steal her time. While Danielle L. is professing her strong feelings to Nick, Taylor stands over them to listen. Because that is something a mental health counselor would find to be normal, I guess?

While Taylor and Nick are having their alone time, Corinne and Josephine, the girl who looks strangely identical to Vienna from Jake's season, stuff all of the food that Chad, the villain from JoJo's season, left behind in their mouths. Corinne says she wants to confront Taylor. Josephine immediately says, “YOU TOTALLY SHOULD!” because she’s there for the right reasons.

When Corinne and Taylor sit down together under a blanket by a fire pit, the conversation basically went:

“You’re immature and don’t have the emotional intelligence level to be in a committed relationship” – Taylor

“I’m not stupid” – Corinne

To be honest, it was more entertaining to watch Nick and Josh — and then Nick and Shawn and then Nick and Josh again — argue than it is to listen to any more of these women.

As Corinne says, “I literally can’t even” we get a “To Be Continued…”

It looks like next week, Corinne and Taylor have the dreaded two-on-one date similar to what happened with Alex and Chad from JoJo's season.  

ELIMINATED

Brittany, who asked Nick to bend over when meeting him.

Christen, who knows too much about Nick and Liz.  

HOMETOWN DATE PREDICTIONS

Danielle L., because I think he fell quick for her after the Backstreet Boys date.   

Vanessa, because she is the perfect combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen. 

Corinne, who is definitely this season's villain, because Nick knows how to gauge an audience.

Rachel, the attorney who wears flip-flops with dresses. For the same reason as above.  

LINE OF THE NIGHT 

“Being from Wisconsin, I’m more of a city boy” – Nick, while at a dairy farm that he tells the women he grew up spending time at.

Let me know what you think on Twitter @abbydraper. See you next week!

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