This week's episode of "The Bachelor" begins with a reminder that Nick sent Liz home because he had sex with her at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and he still has 20 other women left to sleep with whom he hasn’t done so already.
Nick arrives to the rose ceremony wearing a bright pink floral tie that looks like something a friend forced him to wear as a groomsman in a beach wedding.
He addresses the women and reiterates, once again, that he and Liz had sex at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. He goes on to say that Liz had the opportunity to further pursue a relationship with him after that night, but she told him she wasn’t at the right spot in her life for that to happen. Meaning she didn’t feel like she got enough screen time when they aired Jade and Tanner’s wedding.
He says the remaining women can ask him anything more about that if they’d like because he’s an open book, which I think means he has no problem talking about the women he’s slept with.
After that promise, each of the women spends their alone time asking questions about Liz — which doesn’t seem like the best idea since this is the last time they have with him before he gives out roses, but I guess when the only thing you know about the guy you’re dating is the women he’s already slept with, that’s what you go with.
As this is all happening, Corinne, this season’s villain, is in the bathroom putting on a trench coat with nothing under it before going to greet Nick for the night. We know nothing is under it because apparently she needs to practice revealing her naked body in just the right way, which is inevitably what she’s about to do. I’m no dating expert, but unless you’re showing up at a guy’s house to deliver a strip-o-gram, I think you save this move for when 20 of his other girlfriends aren’t around.
When she’s perfected that move, she heads to find Nick, who just happens to be next to a very large pillow on the driveway in front of the mansion. One that also has a can of whipped cream next to it. I pause my TV for a second to make sure I’m not watching Cinemax. I’m not. This is really happening.
When they sit together on this large pillow Nick asks, “Is this like a dress or a coat? You look pretty sexy,” and Nick has definitely sent himself a strip-o-gram a time or two.
Corinne asks Nick to grab the whipped cream and then fills his mouth with it before removing the whipped cream from his mouth with her tongue. She then squirts a dollop of whipped cream onto her boob and has him lick it off. As if that weren’t enough, she puts more whipped cream in her mouth and has him kiss it gone.
I’m watching this episode alone and I feel as uncomfortable as the first time I watched a movie with a sex scene in it in front of my parents. Remember last week when Corinne said her dad would be proud of her getting naked with Nick in the pool? I can only imagine he’s beaming watching this.
Nick stops it there, telling us that he’s been on the show before — like we could have forgotten — and knows he needs to slow things down with her to prevent drama in the house.
Jasmine G., who brought Neil Lane with her to the mansion, decides to interrupt this soft-core porn, and Corinne stomps upstairs to have a meltdown because Nick stopped her before she could make him lick whipped cream off of other parts of her naked body after knowing him for three days.
She sobs, “If nothing [Jasmine G. interrupting her performance] degraded from that. I think it ruined our relationship,” which is a statement that does not make sense.
Finally, it’s time to send some of these people who are still unrecognizable home. As the women line up for the elimination ceremony, no one can find Corinne because she is asleep upstairs with her rose. I have been watching this show for longer than is acceptable to admit and I didn’t know this was an option. If you get a rose, can you skip the rose ceremony? Why hasn’t someone thought of this before?
Nick gives his rehearsed, “Thank you from the bottom of my heart” speech he’s practiced, and when he looks at the women he pauses to ask, “Wait, where’s Corinne?”
He then says, “I know she has a rose but the last time I checked you still have to show up for the rose ceremony,” and I guess my question is answered. If anyone would know how this show works, it would be Nick.
The next morning, Chris Harrison greets the group and asks if they’re well rested. In unison, they say, “no” until Chris continues with, “Corinne you must be." I bet Chris Harrison high-fived everyone he was watching this episode with for that line.
He goes on to say that ABC has “really outdone itself” this year and something huge is about to happen. It only took 30-some seasons for Chris Harrison to find a word to replace dramatic.
FIRST GROUP DATE
That being said, Chris Harrison leaves the date card and Alexis, who doesn’t know the difference between a dolphin and a shark, reads: “Danielle L., Kristina, Christen, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, Corinne … ‘Everybody!'” and as the song,“Everybody” plays, the Backstreet Boys walk in. I immediately wonder which one of them is the “huge” that Chris Harrison is talking about.
We learn that they will be a part of today’s group date and, TBH, not being chosen for this date is almost worse than not getting a rose.
Before the boy band that is now a man band leaves, they sing “I Want It That Way” while the girls sing along and I’m reminded that they’re all in their early 20s. Speaking of, I wonder if Nick knew who the Backstreet Boys were before this season since he’s like 15 years older than everyone there.
When the ladies on this date get to Burbank Studios, the Backstreet Boys tells them they are going to learn the choreography to one of their songs that they will then perform on stage later that night at their IHeartRadio Music Festival performance. The now-man band will select the best dancer and she and Nick will be serenaded together on stage. I assume it will be Corinne because of the strip-o-gram performance, but she tells us at least 52 times that she’s a bad dancer, so it’s not looking good.
While they practice, Danielle L., a nail salon owner who we haven’t seen since she told us that, is clearly the best dancer of the group, which makes Corinne (even more) insecure. She runs to the bathroom where she cries while telling us she’s not a cry baby. Kind of makes sense; she’s 24 and has a nanny, so she probably doesn’t know at what age being a baby ends.
The Backstreet Boys start their concert and mid-song Nick and the ladies of the group date take stage to join. Can you imagine if you paid to see a concert and then halfway through, the Bachelor and some random girls interrupted? I’d rather pay money for Kanye to not show up to his own concert.
At the end of the song, the Backstreet Boys change their lyrics to, “Nick is back, alright!” and I am reminded of the time on "One Tree Hill" where Julian makes fun of Nick Lachey for being in 98 degrees. I hope this dig was as intentional.
The Backstreet Boys choose Danielle as the winner and her “prize” is to slow dance with Nick on-stage while the Backstreet Boys sing “I Want It That Way” acoustically. Nick and Danielle not only slow dance, but make out with his other dates watching.
During the evening part of the group date, as has become typical, Corinne asks Nick to talk in private. She tells him that “planned dancing” isn’t one of her favorite things. When he responds, “planned dancing?” She says, “Ummm, what’s it called? Choreography?” and now we know why she still has a nanny. Despite her skipping the rose ceremony and not knowing basic English, they make out.
Next up, Nick asks Danielle to step aside to chat and while they do, Corinne leaves the group date to take another nap. It must be exhausting to have to do normal day things like get dressed and put on lip gloss without a nanny around.
Nick and Danielle make out on a couch and then he asks her to dance again. You know, because that’s what they just did on stage. Only this time, he has moved his hands from her lower back to her booty and not just to touch it, but to play a major game of grab-the-behind and squeeze.
Back at the mansion, the date card has arrived and it reads, “Vanessa, you make me feel like I’m floating. Nick.”
At the group date cocktail hour, awake from her nap, Corinne returns to the women only to talk about her boobs again. After sharing that she wants a boob job, another woman agrees but only after she has kids. Corinne claims, “Ugh, kids. How am I going to take care of kids? I can’t even take care of myself. I have to start getting Raquel ready for that” evoking the question, “Who is Raquel?”
Corinne explains that Raquel is her nanny. When asked what a nanny does for an adult woman, Corinne confesses, “She makes my bed, slices my vegetables for lunch and she makes the best cheese pasta.” By cheese pasta I’m assuming she means macaroni and cheese, and this is what life must be like when you “work” for your dad's million-dollar company from his home. Where you still live. With your own nanny.
Nick returns to the group and offers Danielle the rose. She accepts.
Nick is waiting for Vanessa, who looks like a combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen, at an airport wearing aviators and the outfit from "Top Gun." She greets him and puts on a matching outfit before they get on a Zero G plane, which I guess means zero gravity, so they will be floating around the plane while it flies in the air. I don’t really understand this, so maybe I need a nanny myself.
For part of this experience, they’re lying on the ground unable to lift their limbs; for others, they’re floating around the craft unable to be still. I could probably come up with a list of 2,000 other things I’d rather do on a date and I don’t even know if I can count that high.
After making out while “floating in air,” Vanessa lies down and covers her mouth because she is nauseous. I would be too if this were something a man I wanted to date thought I would enjoy doing.
Nick hands her a barf bag and she throws up, while he puts his face right next to hers and chomps gum. I just figured out the reason he has had to be on this show four times, and it’s that. When she’s done puking, they kiss and she says “I puked,” to which he responds, “You still taste fine.” Nick is definitely one of those guys that wants to kiss you in the morning before you’ve brushed your teeth. Gross.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion Whitney, who has done nothing memorable whatsoever, reads the card that says, “Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jamie, Sarah, Brittany, Dominique, I’m done playing the field. Nick.”
Even though she threw up, Vanessa still has to have dinner with Nick. He takes her to the US Bank Tower downtown for a rooftop view of the LA at night.
She tells him it was sweet of him to stay by her side today while she was sick, but I’m pretty sure when you’re up in an airplane, there’s nowhere else to go.
We learn that Vanessa’s grandfather died three weeks before the show and that in the limo ride after the funeral she was given a red rose, which she believes was a sign her grandfather wanted her on this journey. I think the closest thing I’ve ever said on a first date was, “It’s 10:30. If you don’t mind, I need to text my friend to let them know I don’t need them to fake an emergency.”
She asks Nick how many times he’s been on this show, and Nick knows that after a sad story it’s time to step his game up. He tells her that after their day together he is very optimistic about this time around, and then as he looks directly at the camera, wipes “tears” away from his eyes.
So basically, on their first date, she threw up and he cried.
SECOND GROUP DATE
Since he has a six pack now, the date starts with Nick running laps around a track while waiting for the women.
When they get there, Nick introduces them to Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix and Michelle Carter, who are all track-and-field superstars. At least that’s what they tell me; I don’t watch sports so I can’t confirm.
We learn that they will be competing in a “Nickatholon,” which is what the franchise should just change the name of the show to at this point.
Each of the women will compete in a series of events: the long jump, high jump, javelin throw and 100-meter dash.
Rachel, the attorney who wears flip-flops with dresses, says, “I would love to track and field Nick all day,” and that makes absolutely no sense. That would be like me taking a date to a Clippers game and saying, “I would dribble and shoot free throws on him all day.”
After the long and high jumps and the javelin throw, Rachel, the attorney who wears flip-flops with dresses; Alexis, who doesn’t know the difference between a dolphin and a shark; and Astrid, who we now know for sure said “boobs” in German when meeting Nick because of the "bra" she’s wearing, are selected to compete in the 100-meter dash. Whoever wins this event gets to spend special time in a hot tub with Nick.
To determine who wins the race, there is a huge fake engagement ring at the end that has to be picked up and delivered to Nick, who is waiting in the hot tub.
Rachel wins the race, but drops the ring and shatters it. Astrid picks up its pieces and joins Nick in the hot tub wearing her sweaty leggings and sports "bra" that shows off her German boobs.
Dominique, someone I honestly had to go back to my other recaps to remember, is upset because she doesn’t feel like Nick has made a valiant effort to spend any time with her. Despite inviting her on this date.
They change into their nighttime attire and head to Big Daddy’s, which is a really beautiful antique building where a lot of weddings and special events are held.
Nick asks Astrid and her German boobs to step aside with him. He gives her a fixed version of the huge engagement ring (which is a bracelet), and it’s the first time in Nick's life someone has accepted an engagement ring from him.
Alexis, who doesn’t know the difference between a dolphin and a shark, is next for time alone and she rolls out a life-sized poster of Nick to lie down with him on. They make out, and I can only imagine how much Nick is enjoying making out with a woman on top of a photo of himself.
It’s then Rachel’s turn, and while they are making out, Dominique interrupts to ask Nick why he didn’t ask her if she was OK today or try to reassure her that he wanted her there. She said he wasn’t giving her a fair chance. Again, while she’s on a date he asked her on.
It’s pretty clear Nick is avoiding drama at all costs this season by sending Liz home, slowing things down with Corinne when he definitely didn’t want to, and giving a rehearsed speech at every opportunity, so he sends Dominique home. The man knows how this show works.
He returns to the group to tell him what he’s done and offers Rachel the rose. She accepts.
The next morning, Chris Harrison approaches the remaining ladies to tell them there won’t be a cocktail party tonight but rather a pool party during the day. Another opportunity for Nick to show off his new six pack.
Alexis, who doesn’t know the difference between a dolphin and a shark, says, “There’s a lot of horny girls in this house so I don’t know how this is going to work out,” which could also be the show title if “Nickatholon” is already taken.
During the pool party, there is for some reason a bouncy house in the driveway that it seems only Corinne and Nick know about. Maybe Raquel put it there.
As Nick and Corinne “bounce” around, the other women hear squealing, so they walk out front to see what’s going on. It just so happens this is at the same time that Corinne, in a bikini, is straddling Nick, who is not wearing a shirt. They make out while he rubs his hands on her behind. So, today we’ve learned Nick is a booty man despite the boob grabbing and whipped cream licking.
When Nick decides to head back to the pool, Corinne apparently needs another nap. This woman has gotten more sleep in the last three days than I have in 20 years.
Raven, and her terrible Southern accent, pulls Nick aside to tell him he’s making a huge mistake with Corinne. She tells Nick that Corinne has a nanny. “Like, for herself.” The rest of the women make their rounds to share similar sentiments with him.
Vanessa confronts Nick about how physical he is with Corine. “Are you looking for a wife or are you looking for someone to [expletive] around with? Because at that point I’d rather you just not give me a rose.”
And with that, we have to wait again until next week to find out what happens.
Hailey, who made the “I’m not wearing any underwear” joke out of the limo.
Elizabeth, who wore what looked like a wedding dress out of the limo.
Lacey, who showed up to the mansion riding a camel.
HOMETOWN DATE PREDICTIONS
(The official brackets for final four were due today, so I figured I can replace Liz since I was wrong by Week 2.)
Danielle L., because I think he fell quick for her after the Backstreet Boys date.
Vanessa, because she is the perfect combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen.
Corinne, who is definitely this season's villain, because Nick knows how to gauge an audience.
Rachel, the attorney who wears flip-flops with dresses. For the same reason as above.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
“It makes her happy [to be my nanny], I’m not going to deny a woman’s happiness” — Corinne on Raquel.
Let me know what you think on Twitter @abbydraper. See you next week.