'The Bachelor' recap: Weddings, breakups and a one-night stand

For The Baltimore Sun
"The Bachelor" recap: It's only Week 2 and we already have weddings, breakups and a one-night stand.

"The Bachelor" Week 2 for us, Week 906 for Nick, starts with the women complaining about not being able to sleep because they’re too busy thinking about Nick, and I wish each would elaborate on what they were thinking about him.

Chris Harrison finally graces the mansion and tells us that there will be three dates this week: Two group dates and a one-on-one. He also shares that not everyone will get a date this week. The first date card reads, “Corrine, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor and Elizabeth W." and then something about being a bridesmaid but I didn't catch it and I’m in a hotel that doesn’t have a DVR or rewind button. Sorry.

Corrine, this season's villain, informs the group that she has never been a bridesmaid because she's “just a natural-born bride.” I am pretty sure I was a natural-born not-bride.

As has become pretty standard in recent seasons, the first group date is a photo shoot. Only this time, the women are dressing up as brides to have their “wedding” photos taken with Nick. I guess this is a good idea since these may be the only wedding photos he will ever have.

A photographer named Franco is here to explain that whichever “bride” has the most chemistry with Nick while wearing a sexy wedding dress will win a super-top-secret prize, which is probably just more time with Nick. 

Alexis, who doesn’t know the difference between a dolphin and a shark, learns that she has been selected as the “shotgun bride,” meaning she is pregnant. I don’t really know if that’s sexy, but again, I'm a natural-born not-bride so what do I know? She is also holding a gun in these “wedding” photos, and to be honest, I hope this is what Nick's real life wedding is like. If it ever happens.

Corrine, this season's villain, reminds everyone as often as she can that she was the first to kiss Nick and intends to be “full of number ones” this season, followed by, “It’s better than being number two. Or going number two” — and now we know why she still has a nanny. 

Taylor, the mental health counselor/Johns Hopkins grad who is paid to give advice while finding it healthy to compete for love on national TV, is given a tiny bikini as a wedding “dress,” and this is starting to feel very “27 Dresses” to me. Katherine Heigl is the worst. Corrine isn’t pleased at this, but then becomes more dissatisfied when she learns that Brittany, who asked Nick to bend over when meeting him, will be wearing only a bikini bottom made out of leaves. What kind of weddings are people having these days?

Nick and Sarah, the girl with runner-up jokes, are first, and they are “having” a Vegas “wedding” shoot. I’m confused for a lot of reasons but mostly because Nick decides to get down on one knee to propose. At their wedding shoot. Where they’re already married. I guess he’s just become so used to it.

Then we see a biker wedding followed by the “shotgun” wedding, where part of the shoot includes Nick posing between Alexis’ legs like he’s delivering the baby, and I do not at all retract my previous wish – I really hope this is how Nick's wedding day happens. If it does. 

There’s another shoot with bridesmaids where everyone just makes out. Taylor, the mental health counselor who is paid to give advice while finding it healthy to compete for love on national TV, even says, “tastes like Danielle” after kissing Nick, and we’ve reached porn territory.

Next is Brittany and her leaf bikini bottoms “dress,” then finally it’s Corrine’s turn. Corrine who is very drunk. Their shoot is in the pool and she decides she wants to get naked with Nick, so she starts to take off his clothes and then puts his hands on her boobs. Which she calls “bare bosoms” making it sound even less sexy than it is.

Apparently, though, this gave Corrine the 'W' and she and Nick are off for their extra time together. Thankfully, we don’t have to see this. I’m assuming because the time was spent trying to sober her up.     

During the cocktail part of this group date, all we hear about are Corrine’s boobs. But only because Corrine is talking about them. And how Nick touched them. Like she’s the first set of boobs he’s ever touched. She’s not even the first set of boobs he’s touched on this channel.

Corrine is obviously the first to take Nick away from the group and they just make out. Raven, with her terrible Southern accent, decides she wants to interrupt and when the two of them sit down, she tells him that she is attracted to jerks (though she used another word that we unfortunately can't use on this website). I’m not sure that’s a pickup line I’d ever use, but things are different where accents like that come from.

Back at the mansion, the one-on-one date card arrives and Rachel, the attorney who wears flip-flops with a dress, reads, “Danielle M., our relationship is about to take off — Nick.” This leaves Liz, the girl who slept with Nick at Jade and Tanners’ wedding, really disappointed because she wanted to talk with him about the night they had sex. The one he didn't really remember.

On the group date Nick and Alexis, who doesn’t know the difference between a dolphin and a shark, are chatting and she says, “First I was a dolphin and then I was pregnant,” and I wish Nick would have said “Actually you were a shark,” but he doesn’t.

Corrine, this season's villain, interrupts again because that’s how the villain edit works. Like clockwork, the rest of the women don’t like this and Corrine reminds us all that she’s here for Nick and not to make friends.

Taylor is up next and Nick, whose lisp is even stronger tonight, asks about her degree in psychology. Say “psychology” out loud with a lisp and try not to smile. When she talks about her resume of impressive degrees from Hopkins, he responds with, “awesome!” because he probably has no idea what that means and she didn’t say "boobs."

Corrine interrupts again. Taylor decides to give them a few minutes and then goes back to "re-interrupt" (is that a word?), which upsets inebriated Corrine, sending her into a tangent.

When Nick comes back to greet the group date he says, “I was not the best at first dates when I started this,” as though anyone needed a reminder he’s been on the franchise before. Nick gives Corrine the group date rose because he knows how this show works. Corrine says, “Dad would be proud. Even though I was naked, he would be proud,” and that’s probably why she’s 23 with a nanny.

Raven, and her terrible Southern accent, is not into this decision and throws the zinger, “If Nick likes someone leading with their sexuality, no wonder this is his fourth time.” Cheers, girl.

The next morning, Corrine is already drinking champagne again and still talking about Nick touching her boobs. I have so many questions. Are these new fake boobs? Has no one ever touched them before? I could walk downstairs to the hotel bar and ask anyone to grab my boobs and they would. I don’t get it.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE

Danielle M., the neonatal nurse who talks like an actual baby, and Nick take a helicopter ride over Los Angeles. As they cross over the Santa Monica Pier, Nick says, “I love Ferris wheels,” so they’ll definitely be riding a Ferris Wheel later today. The helicopter takes them to Newport Beach, where they’ll be spending the day on a yacht. This is actually such a Newport Beach thing to do I’m laughing out loud.

At the mansion, Liz is still stressing about having sex with Nick, and I just realized that Nick hasn’t come out of one of his four seasons without having sex with someone. There is no pun there, I swear.

Anyway, Liz decides that she needs to talk to someone about this and enlists Christen, a wedding videographer who is wearing a cheetah wrap around her head. I’m wearing a tank top that says “I bleed blue” and spandex shorts, so I’m not a fashion expert — but I’m also not on national television trying to find love.

Liz and Christen head to the pool to chat and Liz shares the details about Jade and Tanner's wedding. This is apparently also the moment Liz wants to reveal to the world she has a tattoo that rivals JJ Lane's on her back.

In the next cut, we see them wearing different outfits but still talking about this and Liz goes on to say that she didn’t give Nick her phone number so they haven't been in contact since.

In Newport Beach, Nick has taken Danielle M., the neonatal nurse who talks like an actual baby, from the yacht to have dinner. And by dinner, I mean a glass of white wine because this is “The Bachelor” and they’re in the OC.

Danielle M. asks about his past and he tells her that with Andi he had an “instant connection.” This bothers me because my favorite thing that Nick has ever said was to Kaitlyn — I guess he sang it, but that’s beside the point — when he sang, “We have such a strong connection, you gave me an erection.” Nick needs new lines.

Danielle M. says she can relate because she had a fiance who died from overdosing on drugs. I have zero idea how the two relate, but Nick seems to understand. He offers her the rose, she accepts and they walk to the Newport Pier to take a private ride on the ... you guessed it! Ferris wheel!

DATE CARD

A girl who I wasn’t able to recognize because we’re only on Episode 2 (and hotel excuse again, sorry!) reads, “Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina, Liz… We need to talk… Nick.”

Liz is relieved at that because she’s been wanting to talk to him. How convenient.

SECOND GROUP DATE

The girls all meet Nick on Hollywood Boulevard, otherwise known as the grossest place on the planet. They learn that their date is at the Museum of Broken Relationships. If you aren’t familiar with what this is, it’s a museum where people can submit items from past relationships with a note about what it represents. So, like, if an ex gave you a T-shirt that you slept in for the duration of your relationship and you didn’t want it anymore but wanted to memorialize it somehow, you could donate it, with the story, to the museum. I’ve had discussions many times on whether this is really great or super weird. Still undecided.  

Anyway, Nick shares that he’s donated a relic from a previous relationship, and I hope it’s his pride.

Sadly, we learn that it is a dead red rose and the engagement ring he picked out for Kaitlyn. The one he threw across the limo when she broke up with him. I’m going to have to go see if that’s actually there. Stay tuned.

Nick gives some boring speech about the lessons he’s learned and that seeing this makes him think of one adjective: hope. Hope is not an adjective, dear.  

He is interrupted when the group hears a couple shouting at each other. They seem to think this isn’t staged, which makes me wonder if they know 2+2=4. We learn from the museum director that today’s date is a symposium entitled “The Art of the Breakup” and each woman is going to have to “break up” with Nick in front of an audience. Something he has grown very accustomed to. It’s like he’s actively practicing with one of these girls for their breakup in the finale.

They continue to look around the museum some more and Liz cries because she feels like she’s being ignored by a guy she had a one night stand with. I’m pretty sure one night stand means you’re ignored after, but I’ve been out of college for a while.

When it’s time for their performances, Astrid, who we think said “boobs” in German, is first and pulls the ‘ol, “You’re dating all of my friends” joke. Kristina, who I still know nothing about, says he needs to work on his oral health (because she’s a hygienist) and much to my pleasure, Nick makes a sex joke.  

There are a few other boring ones and then Josephine, the girl who looks strangely identical to Vienna from Jake's season, gets up and slaps Nick across the face. This was better than “the slap heard ‘round the world” from "Real World: Seattle" circa 1998. I think I just dated myself there.

Finally, it’s Liz’s turn and she opens a notebook and reads as though this is a poem she wrote in her diary. I can’t take this seriously so I only capture the interesting part. She says, “Many guys have been on that side of this situation before,” and I wonder if this means she likes herself a one night stand, even after college.

For the nighttime portion of this date they go to Ohm, which is a club on Hollywood and Highland. For the second time tonight, Nick reminds everyone that he knows how they feel. You know, because he’s done this a time or two. Or four.

Nick makes his rounds and learns that Jaimi, who called her nose ring balls, has dated other chicks and Liz told Christen that she had sex with Nick. As soon as he learns that she’s starting to share, he’s ready to talk to her. Predictable.

Before their conversation Nick tells the camera that he questions if Liz is there to pursue a relationship or be on TV … almost as though this is something he’s familiar with.

There are only 8 minutes left of this episode, so we’re definitely getting a “To Be Continued” tonight.

Nick tells Liz that if she were interested in a relationship before this, she could have easily found his number from one of their mutual friends. She claims she knew he was shooting "Bachelor in Paradise"; he retorts by reminding her "Paradise" was only a month; she says she doesn’t like to talk on the phone — and with that, Nick knows she has an agenda. And, there’s only room for one of those on his season.

Nick sends Liz home and then worries about having to tell the other women that he slept with her before the show. This seems unlikely since he’s told the entire world about plenty of the sex he’s had.

He approaches the women and tells them that he had sex with Liz and sent her home. And that, my friends, is the exact definition of a one night stand.

As predicted, we end with a “To Be Continued…”

ELIMINATED

Liz, who he slept with at Jade and Tanner's wedding. Also, it's Week 2 and I was already wrong about a hometown date prediction.

HOMETOWN DATE PREDICTIONS

Liz, because he knows he’ll get lucky. Again. And maybe remember it this time. 

Vanessa, because she is the perfect combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen.

Corrine, who is definitely this season's villain, because Nick knows how to gauge an audience.

Rachel, the attorney who wears flip-flops with dresses. For the same reason as above.  

LINE OF THE NIGHT 

To be honest, anything Nick says with the letter “s” in it, but also, “Nick held my boobs tonight. No one ever held my boobs that way and no one ever will.” – Corrine.

Let me know what you think on Twitter @abbydraper. See you next week!

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