OK, so last week I complained that this episode of "The Bachelor" was three hours long because three straight hours of this season sounds more miserable than watching former "Bachelorette" contestants give hair tutorials on Instagram for three hours. And that’s saying a lot.
However, I later learned that while it’s still three hours of one franchise, it’s only one hour of the actual "Bachelor" and then two hours of “The Women Tell All,” in which 19 of the rejected ladies from Nick’s season come back to basically fight on national television while producers feed them shots during commercial breaks.
This is way more bearable, because “The Women Tell All” is a hot, hot mess.
The real three-hour waste of my life will come next week for the finale.
As a reminder, we are in Finland with Raven and her terrible Southern accent; Rachel, who was already announced as the next Bachelorette; and Vanessa, the perfect combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen, for the Fantasy Suite dates.
Raven’s night with Nick was first, and before they ended up in the bedroom, she said,“I love you” for what she claims was the first time ever and tells Nick she’s never had an orgasm. Because that’s how you start your first sleepover with a new boyfriend — “I love you and good luck, soldier!”
This week's episode begins the next morning, with Raven and Nick saying goodbye until the rose ceremony. They each say the night meant a lot to them, and Raven says she’s pretty satisfied today before dancing in front of a rainbow mural. This makes me laugh because I hope it’s an innuendo about Nick.
FANTASY SUITE DATE: RACHEL
After Rachel, who was already announced as the next Bachelorette, runs and jumps in Nicks arms, he tells her they’re going cross-country skiing. They fail at cross-country skiing for all of 3 yards before they get to a cabin, where a fire just happens to be waiting for them. Rachel gives her “inner struggle” speech to the camera so they can use it in the introduction to Rachel’s season of "The Bachelorette."
Rachel then gives the same speech to Nick, who reassures her that even though he's white he can hang with a black girl. After that statement, they head outside to ride in a dogsled — the whitest thing they could possibly do.
For the evening part of their date, Rachel is wearing a crop top. In Finland, where there are literally only a few hours of sunshine a day. Nick is now wearing a mock turtleneck, which is like the JV version of the full-sized turtleneck he wore on his date the night before with Raven and her terrible Southern accent.
Nick tells Rachel he’s had practice in this situation. Dollar. Rachel struggles with her words, which I find strange since she’s a lawyer, and finally spits out, “I’m falling in love with you.” Nick says he is falling for her, too, because you know, she’s the next Bachelorette and they need sound bites.
Rachel reads the Fantasy Suite date card and they agree to spend the night together. The song from “Rocky” starts playing (I don’t really know what the song from Rocky is, but this sounds like it would be it) and the door closes while they make out on the bed.
They wake up in the morning snuggling before Nick makes breakfast for Rachel. He eats both of their meals and then has to leave. Pretty much the textbook one night stand.
That was the shortest Fantasy Suite date we’ve ever had to watch, and I’m so into all of them being cut like that.
FANTASY SUITE DATE: VANESSA
Vanessa, the perfect combination of Andi, Kaitlyn and Jen, also runs and jumps into Nicks arms, and I wonder if this was in each of the final four women’s contracts. Nick says their relationship has always been hot and steamy, and I hope that no one ever describes time with spent with me in that way.
Their date is to jump into an ice-cold tub in matching swimsuits. So, this is essentially the Polar Bear Plunge in Finland. Just less interesting and no one is benefiting from it.
After they do this more times than anyone cares about, they head to the hot tub. This date replicates a physical therapy session after you hurt your back in a spin class. How romantic.
In the hot tub, they compare lives and Nick uses the excuse, “What if we’re too similar?” after learning that Vanessa doesn’t want to compromise her Sunday tradition of having lunch with her family of 107, instead of just telling her he would rather not do that.
They head into the evening portion of their date, and Vanessa is kind of bummed out because they keep having heavy conversations during their dates. As opposed to what, I’m not sure, but I also don’t care.
Vanessa asks if Nick could see himself living in Canada, and he says he’s proud to be an American. I don’t know why but this makes me laugh out loud. Like, what?
After they say other boring things, Nick tells Vanessa he wouldn’t propose to a woman unless he meant it. This is hilarious because before he found fame on this show, he was engaged. On this show, twice, he proposed and now, the point of the show he is on is to propose again. He’s proposed to more women than I talk to in one day.
Anyway, I guess she still loves him because that’s what she says to him.
After her confession, Nick offers Vanessa the Fantasy Suite date card and she accepts. When they wake up in the morning, it appears they are both naked. Either way, if I were to guess which of the three he definitely had sex with, it’s Vanessa. She says, “I love you” and he leaves, which is a move he’s learned from every other woman he’s ever been with.
I’m sure this will surprise all of you, but Nick cries and thanks everyone for everything. Is there an award in “Dancing with the Stars”? because he better not win it if there is a speech for the winner.
Rachel, because she’s the next Bachelorette.
Vanessa, but I don’t think it will result in marriage because Nick has already found his next national TV gig. Among other things.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
“I want to murder Nick. Chop him up and fed him to the reindeer” — Vanessa. And everyone else.
WOMEN TELL ALL
As I mentioned, the next two hours are “The Women Tell All” — a crowd favorite — where many of the season’s contestants return after being sent home to face one another and Nick. It appears they’re going to focus heavily on Corinne, this season's villain, and rightfully so as she was by far the most interesting part.
The episode begins with footage from Chris Harrison and Nick surprising “Bachelor Nation” fans who host "Bachelor" viewing parties each week, including The Backstreet Boys and a UCLA sorority. So, a washed-up boy band and a bunch of underage girls. Appropriate.
Chris Harrison re-introduces this seasons rejects who have agreed to appear on national television for just five more minutes of “fame." Honestly, I recognized five of these women and I’ve written about every episode of this season.
There's Jaimi, who I don’t remember; Liz, who had sex with Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding; Elizabeth, who I don’t remember; Josephine, who looks strangely like Vienna from Jake's season; Lacey, who I don’t remember; Christen, who I don’t remember; Alexis, who wore a dolphin suit out of the limo; Dominique, who I don’t remember; Astrid, who I don’t remember; Hailey, who I don’t remember; Taylor, who said “emotional intelligence” too much; Sarah, who I don’t remember; Jasmine G., who I don’t remember; Danielle L., who I don’t remember; Corinne, this season's villain; Whitney, who I don’t remember; Danielle M., who I don’t remember; and Kristina, who was dumped by Nick before hometowns.
We are shown a highlight reel of this season's “drama,” which emphasized Liz and Nick having sex at Jade and Tanners wedding; Taylor’s favorite term, “emotional intelligence”; and of course, Corinne.
For the next five minutes these women all talk over one another and I feel badly for men for a second.
Liz and her new blond hair are called to the “hot seat” (aka the couch next to Chris Harrison) first. They replay her time on the season, which in five words is “She had sex with Nick,” and then she cries because everyone knows she had sex with Nick even though she was the one that told everyone she had sex with Nick.
Next is Taylor, a Johns Hopkins University grad. They show a reel and I’m pretty sure that the dress Taylor wore on the first night is what she is wearing tonight, just in a different color. There must have been a sale at South Moon Under. Here’s a breakdown: Taylor uses the “you ruined my life by embarrassing me on TV” act she’s seen work for others, and Corinne does what everyone watching wants to do and goes to get a glass of champagne.
Naturally, it’s now Corinne’s turn in the "hot seat," and in watching the reel of her time on the show I just really miss her. While Chris Harrison is asking her questions, everyone interrupts her and she stops to ask, “Why are they talking?” Did I mention I miss her?
Taylor begs for an apology and doesn't get one. In fact, the opposite happens and Taylor apologizes to Corinne.
They bring up Raquel, Corinne’s nanny, and after a clarification to what that word means to Corinne, she surprises the room with "cheese pasta." I don’t mean to beat a dead horse here, but Corinne has game. Like, life game, if that’s a thing.
It’s Kristina’s turn, so we rewatch her story, which I can’t make fun of. What I can make fun of is watching Nick fake cry through it and then send her home without knocking on the door first. It is very clear during this conversation that everyone loves Kristina and I bet Nick is regretting his decision.
Now Nick takes the stage and says, “This is my first time to a ‘Tell All’ believe it or not,” and my hero Chris Harrison reminds him it was because he was denied in the finale twice before. Through all of the confrontations with the women tonight, Nick said, “I have been there before” a total of — I am not kidding — FOURTEEN times. In just three minutes, I have earned enough money to buy a bottle of decent wine.
Rachel takes the stage and it’s boring to everyone except the rejects from Nick's season, who are overly ecstatic for her. Nick comes out to talk again and that’s even more boring.
We are made privy to a preview of next week's episode, which is, as always, promised to be the most dramatic finale ever. Doubtful.
As always, let me know what you think on Twitter @abbydraper. See you next week for the finale! Who do you think he chooses?