This week on “The Bachelor,” we head to Jamaica for fantasy suite date nights with the remaining three women hoping for a Neil Lane diamond from a man they’ve known for a month and a half: Caila, who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person; Lauren B., the flight attendant with airport jokes; and JoJo, who stepped out of the limo on the first night wearing a unicorn mask.
Before we get into fantasy suite date nights, Ben shares his feelings about the three women by saying he’s concerned Caila can’t fully commit because she’s too happy all of the time; meeting Lauren was the closest he’s ever felt to "love at first sight"; and he’s concerned about possibly proposing to JoJo because her brothers bullied him last week. As a former “hometown hero” Ben has never had anyone be mean to him so he’s feeling more unlovable than ever.
We also get to see Ben do a “mattress check” on his hotel bed, because it’s fantasy suite date night and he knows what that means.
FANTASY SUITE DATE ONE: CAILA
Caila, who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person, greets Ben in what I think is a sports bra and very short jean shorts, and I wonder if she thought they’d be hosting a car wash fundraiser because that’s the only place I assume one wears an outfit like that.
They arrive at the Martha Brae River to get on a raft-looking thing that is made of sticks and head down stream in complete silence. Caila, who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person, finally spots what looks like a lemonade stand on the shore and suggests they stop to check it out.
We learn that the spot she found is a place called the Jerk House and, much to my disappointment, Jerk House refers to a food stand that sells jerk chicken as opposed to what I would consider a fantasy date venue. During lunch, they also drink water from a coconut and I hope Caila has private time to use to restroom before it’s fantasy suite time.
As they eat, it’s clear that both Caila and Ben are uncomfortable — Caila because she has finally realized that Ben is dating two other women; Ben because her silence is causing his insecurities about being unlovable to resurface.
As the evening part of their date begins, Caila overcompensates for her silence by aggressively kissing Ben with too much tongue.
Obviously when they sit down to eat, Ben asks her what her deal was all day because the only thing that Ben knows to talk about during his dates is a different iteration of, “Am I unlovable?”
They have the same conversation they’ve had on every date so far and finally Caila tells Ben she is in love with him. He responds by looking for more tongue and Caila tells us, “I can feel in his breath that he feels the same.” I wonder, is "breath" code for "pants" in Ohio? Otherwise that makes no sense.
Ben asks Caila, who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person, to read the fantasy suite card, which hasn’t changed in 31 seasons. Caila responds with, “I think we should take advantage of this” before they walk into the water while fireworks explode. I hope this is a strong metaphor for what’s in store for the fantasy suite — until I realize the two of them in the bedroom would probably be terrible.
As they make out in the water with the fireworks exploding above them, Caila says, “There are fireworks in his eyes, in my heart and in the sky." I think, “There is boredom in my eyes, in my heart and in your fantasy suite date.”
When we see them in the morning, they’re sitting in front of two full mimosas on the hotel balcony. Caila tells Ben that she loves him again, and I can’t believe two people are actually capable of leaving mimosas full the morning after.
FANTASY SUITE DATE TWO: LAUREN B.
Lauren B., the flight attendant with airport jokes, is walking toward Ben like she was the one in the fantasy suite last night, but I’m guessing she is probably just recovering from her pre-fantasy suite bikini wax at the Sandals Resort spa. She is also wearing very short jean shorts, which makes me wonder if that was a requirement for this week.
Ben and Lauren take a canoe to another Jamaican beach, where we learn Ben has planned for them to release sea turtles to help the baby animals survive. Because of course that’s what Ben wants to do during a fantasy date. These two are going to get married, live in a small town and become Eric and Tami Taylor.
As they’re releasing the baby turtles into the ocean, Ben says, “This whole day is filled with cuteness,” and I hope Ben is watching this episode with a bunch of straight male friends who make as much fun of him as they should for this.
As they sit on the beach, Ben tells Lauren that he cried in front of her sister last week and then tells her, “You’re too good for me,” which is basically just another way of him asking, “Am I unlovable?”
When she assures him with, “You’re the man of my dreams,” they run into the ocean and we see two rainbows in the sky. I guess that’s the reward for saving a bunch of baby turtles. Or a hint that I should be a nicer person.
Before the evening portion of their fantasy suite date, Lauren says, “I’ve been waiting for tonight to come,” and I hope this is her version of the fireworks metaphor for the evening ahead.
Ben's “Am I unlovable?” questions continue through dinner and Lauren, the flight attendant with airport jokes, reiterates that he is the man of her dreams. They read the same fantasy suite date card that was read last night and agree to take the date to the hotel room.
In the hotel room, Lauren tells Ben, “I am completely in love with you. You make me feel a way I didn’t even know I could feel” and I hope he will respond with “Just wait until the cameras are gone” — but he doesn’t. Instead he says, “I’ve known I was in love with you for a while as well,” which is against "The Bachelor" rules. Based on what we know about Ben, breaking one "Bachelor" rule is probably the riskiest thing he’s ever done.
While they’re kissing I notice Ben doesn’t have socks on with his loafers, and I may have been wrong — what a risk taker, that guy.
Ben and Lauren move to the bedroom, where they exchange “I love yous” 948 more times before the lights go out.
In the morning, Lauren says, “Ben is my person” and I’m so glad someone else still watches "Grey’s Anatomy.
FANTASY SUITE DATE THREE: JOJO
JoJo, who stepped out of the limo the first night in a unicorn mask, greets Ben by running and jumping into his arms — and now I’m certain short jean shorts were a requirement because she has them on, too. It’s like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Fantasy Suite Date Shorts.
A helicopter comes to pick them up and takes them to YS Falls, a gorgeous waterfall. Ben says, “Let’s explore,” which in "The Bachelor" franchise means, “Let’s take off our clothes and make out in the water.” And that is exactly what they do.
It’s now round three of Ben asking a woman some form of “Am I unlovable?” and her answering with, “I’m in love with you.” When JoJo, who stepped out of the limo in a unicorn mask, tells Ben she is in love with him, he responds with, “JoJo, I love you, too,” which surprises her. I guess when you’re 26, or a dude, you can be “in love” with more than one woman?
As it goes on this show, we hear the same fantasy suite date card invitation for the third time, and JoJo agrees to share it with Ben.
They see that their fantasy suite has a hot tub, so naturally they take their clothes off again to get in. In the hot tub, Ben pops the Champagne, and while it explodes, I can only assume this is tonight’s version of a fantasy suite metaphor.
After the hot tub, they make it to the bed and Ben says, “I love you JoJo” before we’re kicked out, giving them the night to themselves.
The next morning, Ben tells JoJo, “You’re so cute” and JoJo responds with, “No you are” and Ben says, “No, you are,” and I want to throw my TV out of the window.
Ben leaves JoJo to be alone with his thoughts, which are basically “I’m sending Caila home and that is going to be tough.”
At the same time he shares this, Caila, who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person, decides that she wants to surprise Ben by showing up at his place unannounced. I am not a relationship expert, but showing up to a guys house unannounced is comparable to sending him a text that says, “Hey dude, I’m nuts!” with like 11 emojis that don’t make sense. Her interpretation is, “I want to show Ben that I’m always fun and full of surprises.”
When Caila is dropped off at Ben’s hotel, she skips and prances around squealing in excitement as she looks for him. When she finds him outside, she approaches him from behind, covers his eyes and kisses him.
As Ben starts to understand what is happening, Caila, who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person, tries to kiss him and he responds with, “Hold on, I just need a second.” They walk hand-in-hand to the beach and Ben tells Caila that he loves two women — and neither of them her.
She handles it very well and Ben assumes he’s in the clear. Until she gets back out of the car after they’ve said goodbye to ask why. She wants to know if he’s felt that way all week and he assures her he hasn’t. They both say, “I’ll miss you,” before hugging for an uncomfortable amount of time.
When Caila gets back into the car, the first thing she does is put her seat belt on because every rule about being a good person apparently has to be followed this season. What happened to the girls getting in the car and pushing the cameramen away before having a panic attack?
I would really not enjoy Caila as the next Bachelorette. Although it would mean we get more of Caila’s mom and her adult braces.
JoJo, who stepped out of the limo in a unicorn mask, arrives first, and Chris Harrison greets her before walking her down the stairs to the ceremony. She is wearing wedges. I have the same feelings about wedges that I do about adult braces — they fascinate me. I don’t understand why women wear shoes they cannot walk in.
Lauren B., the flight attendant with airport jokes, arrives second. Chris Harrison asks her how she’s feeling, despite the fact that she’s walking like she just left the fantasy suite. She tells him they exchanged “I love yous” and his face reads, “I’ve said that a few times to make women walk that way, too.”
When Ben arrives, he tells JoJo and Lauren that his feelings couldn’t catch up with Caila’s so she has gone home. He offers the first rose to JoJo and the second to LoLo before the three of them hug, and I’m probably going to make porn jokes with “JoJo and LoLo” a lot in the final episode.
Caila, who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person
The previews lead us to believe we have a Jason Mesnick moment where Ben sends the wrong woman home and changes his mind after she’s left. I’m guessing he sends Lauren home and then when JoJo gets there he realizes he’s had a change of heart and also sends JoJo home, hoping Lauren will accept an apology and come back to be proposed to.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
“Jamaica is so beautiful. The water is blue.” – Ben.
As always, let me know what you think on Twitter @abbydraper. See you next week!