'The Bachelor' recap: Episode 9

“The More That I Get to Know About These Women, the More Lost I Become.”

After a bland eight minutes of Ben pondering his future and the women that he “may be falling in love with,” he finally arrives in Switzerland to meet them for the second-to-last rose ceremony.

Swedish Helicopter

Sarah: Ben and Nicki (“Divorce”) take a helicopter to the top of a mountain and enjoy a picnic blah blah blah. Given that she was married before, I would have thought she’d be able to see through his bullcrap. Though, given that this is my third season of watching “The Bachelor,” I should know that the girls on this show have no common sense and zero life skills.

Chris: Has anyone noticed that Ben never looks Nicki in the eyes when he’s saying something important? A telltale sign that he’s not genuinely interested. Though Nicki has gotten progressively better-looking throughout the season.

The First Overnight

Sarah: Do they thoroughly check the bachelor and the contestants for STDs? I would add the overnight card to the many reasons why I would never be on this show.

Chris: Why does Chris Harrison have to give them permission to spend the night together? Does he really want to be in control of their sexual destinies? I'm guessing Nicki’s DTF.

Death-Defying Date

Sarah: Can’t Lindzi (“Horse Girl”) catch a break and get a date that involves a nice helicopter ride and a picnic? This time, Ben takes her rapelling down a cliff. After their near-death experience, they slip into the comfort of their bathing suits and jump into a hot tub in a snowy field. Lindzi accepts Ben’s request for an overnight, even though he was wearing that awful bowtie.

Chris: Ben always takes Lindzi on the most extreme dates. Maybe he secretly wants her to perish in a fall in order to make his decision a little easier. Though I guess he doesn’t mind taking her in for an overnight.

Ben Take Courtney on a Picnic

Sarah: When Courtney (“Model”) talks about her feelings for Ben, she sounds so sincere, but she’s just acting, right? Her vows on last week’s episode were pulled from “Sex and the City,” for crying out loud. Who does that? And Ben, the overnight isn’t the next step in your relationship with Courtney — everyone knows you already had sex with her in the ocean.

Chris: The sisterhood is now complete! All three are now V sisters.

WTF is Happening, Kacie B?

Sarah: Kacie B. (“Baton” — she got kicked off last week) knocks on Ben’s door, interrupting his bland ponderings about love. He looks more shocked than a deer in headlights and probably thinks she’s there to kill him. Like the teenager she appears to still be, she wants to know why he dumped her. Because he doesn’t like you! Minimize your embarrassment and go home! After realizing he won’t change his mind, she goes for plan B and badmouths Courtney.

Chris: A key to the fantasy suite would have eased Kacie B’s nerves. Thanks for traveling 4,578 miles for that five-minute awkward conversation. That’s what Skype is for.

Rose Ceremony in Dracula’s Castle

Sarah: Even after Kacie B’s tearful warning about Courtney, Ben still keeps Courtney and sends Nicki packing.

Chris: Let’s hope that dental hygienists don’t have the same suicide rate as dentists.

The Final Two

Courtney, 28: “Model”—She’s made it this far, so she’ll win it in the end. And then they’ll have a primetime wedding special followed by a primetime divorce interview.

Lindzi C, 27: “Horse Girl”—We hope this poor girl isn’t scarred for life.

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