“Butt-skiing backwards is on my leap list.”
This week “The Bachelor” faced tough competition from “Gossip Girl” (Sarah’s favorite) and the promising newJ.J. Abrams’ show “Alcatraz.” But just as the awkward attempts at love on “The Bachelor” never fail to disappoint, neither shall our commentary on its dimwitted contestants.
The group left Sonoma for San Francisco — Ben’s current city of residence. Though, how many places does he live? I was pretty sure he “lives” in Sonoma … on the winery that he owns. How rich is this guy?
Emily’s (Epidemiologist) Date
Sarah: Of course they pick the girl who has a fear of heights, total coincidence. If she were actually afraid of heights, she wouldn’t have gone near a bridge. Since climbing to the top of the San Francisco Bay Bridge is illegal, they had to work with the transit authority to make it happen. But if you’re going to such great lengths, why not climb the Golden Gate Bridge? Go big or go home. But they are on national television fighting for Ben, so…
Chris: Ben said, “If we can accomplish something like this, there’s nothing we can’t do together.” Are the producers feeding him these lines, or is he coming up with this cheese on his own? He says this is the “scariest thing he’s ever done.” Someone get President Obama on the red phone because these two deserve a medal of honor for climbing a bridge.
Sarah: It infuriates me that girls so dumb get to enjoy a date this cool — skiing on a closed street in San Francisco, fake snow and all. Though I did enjoy watching them fall in bikinis in front of judgmental strangers.
Chris: I prefer urban surfing to urban skiing, but I guess Stiles wasn’t available with the Wolfmobile.
Brittany (Golden Girl) Walks!
After receiving a date card for a one-on-one, Brittany realizes that she’ll be alone with Ben and freaks.
Sarah: She says it’s the hardest decision she’s had to make in her life, that her heart is just not in it. Yet, she’s crying a river because “it’s hard to walk away not knowing what she could have had with Ben.” Why is this so hard? You’ve just been on a three-week vacation.
Chris: Eh, hit the bricks.
Lindzi (Horse Girl) Get Sloppy Seconds
Sarah: I liked Horse Girl until they passed through the Dragon Gate of Chinatown and she asked what part of town they are in. DID YOU MISS THE GIANT GATEWAY?
Chris: Do they think that Ben writes the date cards or plans the dates? It’s been the same handwriting for 17 seasons! They “break into” City Hall and are “surprised” with a concert by some guy named Matt Nathanson. Was Nickelback not available?
Lame Surprise, Amazing Reaction
The previews this season kept alluding to an ex-girlfriend showing up to compete for Ben. This episode, she’s first shown as a faceless driver on her way to win over Ben, then revealed as a contestant from Brad’s season of “The Bachelor.”
Sarah: IS IT MICHELLE? No, it’s just Shawntel. She met up with Ben a few times in the incestuous Bachelor/Bachelorette pool. The other girls lose it when she strolls through the room without a bra in a revealing red dress. Courtney (Model) threatens to walk out if he keeps her, Erika (Fainter) faints at the rose ceremony and there is more bleeped-out language than ever. This is why I watch this show!
Chris: All the girls are upset with Shawntel because they assume she doesn’t know enough about Ben to be genuinely interested in him. It’s like the Republican field hating Mitt Romney because he has a lot of money. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t get a rose—they’ll hook up on “Bachelor Pad” in a few weeks anyway.
No Rose for You
Erika, 23: “Fainter”— If your lip tattoo and your strange facial expressions didn’t cost you the rose, fainting at the rose ceremony definitely did.
Jaclyn, 27: “The Muppet” — waka, waka, waka
Shawntel, 25: “The Undertaker” — Don’t worry Shawntel. you just dodged another bullet.
The Remaining Ladies
Blakely, 34: “Vivian Ward”
Casey S, 26: “Jane Fonda”—we didn’t realize that the '80s aerobics instructor look was back in style, or attractive.
Courtney, 28: “Model”
Elyse, 24 “Mean Mugger”—if looks could kill, Shawntel would have died instantly when she interrupted Elyse’s alone time with Ben.
Emily, 27: “Epidemiologist”
Jamie, 25: “Party of Five”
Jennifer, 28 “Andre the Giant” — tall women with broad shoulders should not wear one-shouldered tops.
Kacie B, 24: “Baton Twirler”
Lindzi C, 27: “Horse Girl”
Monica, 33: “Cackler”
Nicki, 26: “Divorce”
Rachel, 27: “Snaggle Tooth”
Samantha, 26: “Sash”