'Survivor: One World' recap: Season premiere, 'Two Tribes, One Camp, No Rules'

If this episode is any indication, it’s going to be a really, really long season.

We’re back for another season of "Survivor," and, in a desperate attempt to keep things fresh, the two tribes will be living in the same camp.  I guess it got a little too boring last season when Upolu members actually stuck to their alliance, so they’re now actively encouraging the greatest amount of shenanigans possible. I remain undecided as to whether I like this idea.

As we start out, Jeff immediately points out a girl wearing a Shamu hat and states the obvious -- that she doesn’t fit in with the other girls. And we have a Tarzan and a Troyzan? Oy vey. Jeff divides the group into men and women, and announces that these will be the tribes. He doesn’t announce yet that they will be living in the same place. They have 60 seconds to strip a supply truck, and one of the more wily members of the men’s team saves himself time by stealing items from the women once they have it off the truck.

Jeff sends the tribes (men - Manona, women - Salani) off in two directions to eventually meet up at the same place. The men learn just how heavy carrying water can be, and the women are already strategerizing and forming alliances. Now, I understand the pressure to get in a decent alliance before one gets formed without you, but I think I would like to know my alliance-mates for more than hour before I commit to stick with them for the rest of the game.

After much heavy lifting, both tribes arrive at the communal camp. No one is really impressed, and thanks to stealing-guy (I’ll learn his name if he makes it through this episode) everyone is a little on edge and distrusting. They find wild (or planted) chickens, and while they originally plan to work together, once Country Girl (Chelsea) gets two chickens, the women need to decide whether they are going to actually give up the second one, and what they want for it. Attorney Guy (Matt) is not impressed. The men may not have chickens, but they do have a sushi chef and a fishing spear, so I think they’ll be OK.

I think the producers might have divided the teams by the sexes and then forced them to live together in order to maximize drama. (Shocking, right?) It’s annoying me already, so we’ll see how long it takes before I’m tearing my hair out.

Colton, who is gay, would rather be on the girl’s team than the guy’s. He makes friends with the women, which Matt thinks he should use as an advantage and to spy for the men’s team. Colton thinks Matt is an arrogant ass, and I agree.

Matt and two of the other two pretty boys decide they should be in an alliance since they are hot and strong. Jury’s still out on whether they are smart or not, but they sure are arrogant.  

Some of the guys, most noticeably Abs guy with the semi-long hair (Jay, maybe?), think the women are not being cooperative, and can’t understand why the women don’t want to work together with the men. Maybe because you stole from them about five minutes into the game?

Now they are fighting over fire (women) and chicken (men). Sigh. It’s going to be a long season, methinks. Can I have Coach (whom I never thought I’d ask for) back if these people go away? I promise I’ll be good. Maybe that’s why I can’t remember any of their names; my mind is trying to protect itself from this dreck.

A little underwear night cam over on the women’s side of the camp provides a little titillation, and they decide to go over the men’s camp and make nice. But everyone still has ulterior motives. I guess it would be too much to ask people on "Survivor" to just be nice and play fair, right?

Some of the women decide, and I must say that I agree with them, to just go over and steal some of the fire while the men are sleeping, since they stole first. Whatever righteous indignation the men come up with, they should remember that. Their Banker Guy (Michael?) was the one who introduced stealing into the game. If he hadn’t done that, everybody might be a little more cooperative; instead it’s been adversarial from the start.

And now I’ve lost all respect for the women. You go to all the trouble of stealing the fire, giggling all the way, and then you let it go out? Poor form, ladies. Now they’re back to negotiating with the men, who think they should weave 20 mat-type thingys (why - because that’s women’s work?) for fire. C’mon ladies: You all knew you were coming on this show and not one of you learned how to make fire? Did you just think that some strong man would be there to make it for you?

Sabrina finds an idol, but unfortunately, she can’t use it. She has to give it to someone on the opposite team.  Colton is the first choice, as he’s the only person on Manona that hasn’t been a complete jerk.

First Immunity Challenge! And it’s of the giant jungle gym variety. I’ve always thought those looked like fun. Competitors start out dropping to a trampoline, and most of the women are not jumping out far enough, which is slowing them down. Kourtney (Tattoo Girl) is favoring her arm. Jeff calls a stop to the challenge to bring in the medical team, and they think it might be broken. Kourtney (one of the only ones I liked, of course) is taken out of the challenge. 

The men now have a choice of whether just to take the victory, and really piss the women off, or to allow them to run the challenge and see who wins fair and square.  And the men take the immunity and run with it (I can see their side, though - this is "Survivor," and if you have a chance to miss tribal council, you take it. It just might not help them with the long game, though.)

Back at camp, everyone seems to be getting along better, but there is a bit of sour grapes on the women’s side. Kim (Texas Girl) thinks that the men should have finished the challenge because it would have been the chivalrous thing to do, which just pisses me off.  You’re playing a game, and you shouldn’t expect someone to give you an advantage just because you’re a woman. It’s a little different from someone opening the door for you.

Girl with the annoying feathers in her hair (Alicia?) wants to vote out Christina rather than Kourtney because she’s been talking to the men too much. Yes, heaven forbid you should negotiate and/or try to get along with them. First impression - I don’t like this one. We’ll see how this plays out over the season. Aaannd, she goes into tribal council guns blazing against Christina, who stands up for herself, and then it’s just bicker, bicker, bicker.

Jeff chastises them for having no strategy and being disorganized, before he tells them that Kourtney’s wrist is broken in several places. She will need surgery, and she is out of the game (of course it was one of the few I liked.) He sends them back to camp without having to vote anyone out (and with fire, so now maybe Christina and Alicia can stop yelling at each other.)

First Impressions:

Some of the women I like: namely, Kim, Sabrina and Chelsea (chicken girl). Kat I didn’t mind, but when I looked her up, I saw that she was a timeshare rep, so she must be evil. Alicia can go away at any time, and I can’t remember who the rest of them were.

As for the men, with the exception of the sushi chef, the only two memorable ones are Michael and Matt, and I think they’re both asses. Tarzan and Troyzan can take a long walk off a short dock as well.

As for next week: Probably the opposite of what they’ve showed in the previews, darn deceitful editors. So the women will be doing just fine and no one will freak out at all. And I promise to be better with the names.

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