Tonight in Orange County there were no storylines, no talking behind backs, no blaming the editing, and no talking head interviews -- it's the reunion show and it was time to get into each other's faces.
We know the issues: Tamra and Vicki are no longer friends (although they are still business partners), and the unholy alliance (that pun is soooo intended) of Alexis and Gretchen has been torn asunder. And Heather? Well, she's just there to pass judgment on everyone else.
After the obligatory polite greetings, Heather sets it off by going after Alexis. For her first reunion, Heather has no problems with launching the first attack. She had little else to say to or about anyone else all night -- she was coming for Alexis and she wasn't stopping. Her main issue being that Alexis called her ... "not Angelina Jolie."
In other delusions, Vicki says she doesn't know what happened between her and Tamra. Really?! Can someone please play back that hair-jerking, neck-rolling, spit-flying screamfest from the final episode? Hey Vick, I think that's what happened. Oh yeah, and Brooks. That happened.
Even though Tamra looks like an out of control bobblehead whenever someone says something negative about Brooks, she's not wrong to agree. When a montage of Brooks' affirmations and clichés is shown, I gotta tell you -- it creeps me out. When Brooks tells Vicki "you're not alone anymore," it sounds like a threat.
Vicki can't see any problems (she could, however, see his crooked teeth and promptly had them fixed). She claims that no one is happy that she is happy and that they all have to "chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp."
This was no figure of speech. Just call her the Birdwoman of Orange County because about 10 minutes later, a bird that is somehow loose in the studio attacks Andy. Vicki's the O.G. who's been doing this for seven years -- she knows how to distract and deflect!
Part one of any "Real" reunion is always fairly tame -- it's all about building tension and suspense for part two, and tonight was no exception. Even though some pretty serious accusations were thrown around, no one really took the bait.
Alexis tried to out Gretchen for fake hair extensions and phony lips, but Gretchen let it go. Andy read fan questions to Vicki about her fornicating with Brooks and she took it in stride. Vicki accused Gretchen of allowing Slade to put his money under her social security number (isn't that a felony?) and Gretchen barely blinked.
You would think Tamra would catch on that tonight was not the night for fireworks, but she had a real sparkler she had obviously been holding onto for awhile and she couldn't help but light it. She spat out "Jesus Jugs" in a one-sided heated exchange with Alexis and no one was impressed or amused. She should have stuck with "Jesus Barbie."
Another earmark of part one is that whenever anyone tries to own up to what they say or admit to mistakes, no one accepts it. Based on the previews for part two of the reunion, it looks like everyone switches tactics. And this is exactly what we want to see.
Next week, both Brooks and Briana join the ladies on the set. How do you think it's gonna go down? Let me know in the comments below and be sure to follow me on Twitter @MutesVoice.