'Real Housewives of Orange County' recap: Wine, cheese and drama

Last week's episode gave us bombs over Orange County, and now the ladies are looking to calm their nerves with a nice wine and cheese party. We start the episode with Vicki accompanying Tamra to a lingerie store as she attempts to fit her new “girls” into a new bra. I don’t even mind that the camera follows them into the dressing room. The threat of a nip slip doesn’t faze me — I’m just excited because tonight there is very little Heather exposure!

During their shopping trip, Vicki drops the bomb on Tamra that Briana eloped. Tamra provides the requisite jaw drop while Vicki expounds upon the wedding dress shopping and all of the announcements, showers, and parties that were stolen right out from under her.

In an irony that only the Bravo Gods could orchestrate, Slade is across town doing it “right”: he is meeting with Gretchen’s father, Scott, to ask his permission to propose to Gretchen. (Too bad she doesn’t want to get married.) Slade and Scott rendezvous by bicycle, arriving from opposite ends of the park in coordinated spandex. Let’s not forget that last season on a lovely walk during a family vacation, Scott saw dog poop on the ground and called it "a pile of Slade." So you can imagine how this bike ride shapes up.

After insulting Slade and telling him he looks fat in his outfit, the men get down to business. And the answer from Gretchen’s dad is ... not yet. Scott throws every reason in the book at Slade from Slade’s child support issues (true) to insinuations that he doesn’t have a job (weellll, maybe). In the talking head interview, Slade has the nerve to proclaim that he and Scott are "such good friends." Now that is a pile of Slade!

Vicki stops crying over Briana’s marriage long enough to throw a new business together along with the corresponding party. Tamra stops staring at her boobs long enough to team up with Vicki. Smart move. Say what you will about her terrible personality, the woman knows how to make a buck! Both women were distracted enough to invite Alexis to the launch party.

In honor of Vicki and Tamra’s new business, I present tonight’s Whines by Whives:

Tamra, on her new bra size: “What?! I’m not a D! What are they using? The metric system?!” Damned if you D, damned if you don’t. Girl, pick a cup and be satisfied!

Vicki, on the spontaneity and romance of eloping: “It’s rude, it’s disrespectful and it’s wrong.” And there you go — forget about love, this is the Gospel According to Vicki. You receive your copy when you cross the gates of Coto de Caza.

Briana, on meeting Brooks: “I mean, who is this guy?!” Yes, newly (secretly!) married Briana has a problem with her mom’s new boyfriend. I have always respected Briana, but I’d hate to think that being hypocritical runs in the family…

Heather, on who gives a crap: “Ohhhhh. Emmmm. Geeeee.” Shut up Heather.

What was your favorite whine of the night? Tell me in the comments below and be sure to follow me on Twitter @MutesVoice.

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