We are back to "Bachelor in Paradise" and Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist, and his sweatpants are on their way to see if they can break up Josh Murray, the suitor Andi Dorfman chose over Nick Viall after his first try at this show, and Amanda, the single mom from Orange County and Ben’s season. This may be a challenge because Josh and Amanda have been glued at the tongue since they exchanged hellos two days ago.
As Evan makes the walk of shame to the sweaty pair, Chris Harrison narrates using as many erection puns as possible because Evan is an erectile dysfunction specialist. I honestly don’t care how low-hanging this fruit is, I’m taking it because I have a soft spot in my heart for penis jokes. Harrison tells us, “Last week Carly broke Evan's heart but Evan wasn’t ready for a PRE-MATURE rejection and ROSE to the occasion, putting Amanda in a HARD spot. Will Josh EXPLODE in a rage?”
When Evan makes it to the cabana that Josh and Amanda are fornicating in, he asks if he can interrupt and reads the date card that isn’t actually a date card because he wrote it himself, which isn’t how this show works. The card says, “Evan, put your heart on blast. You deserve love. Take Amanda to the tree house,” which sounds like code for meeting under the bleachers at a high school football game for some over-the-pants heavy petting. Josh laughs out loud and Amanda agrees to go with Evan to the “tree house."
As they sit down, Evan hands Amanda a very large glass of wine, which proves he knows that to be on a date with him, you need to be lubed up.
He confesses that he came to paradise to meet her, despite falling in love with Carly less than 15 minutes ago.
While Josh waits for Amanda to return, a producer brings him greasy pizza. After he dabs the grease off each slice with a napkin, he moans through each bite, and I’ve heard more moaning from Josh Murray than I ever have from a person I actually know.
Amanda tells Evan that he should have said something earlier because she’s now focused on Josh and her relationship with him, which is like when you tell someone that you didn’t see their text after you blatantly ignored it.
Evan thanks Amanda for taking the time to talk to him and she cries because he’s so nice. If she stays with Josh, that is probably the last time she’ll shed tears for this reason.
Evan believes this meant that he still has a chance with Amanda in the future and I’m curious to learn more about Evan’s thoughts on how love works.
Amanda returns to a greasy, moaning Josh to tell him what happened and Josh could not care less. Shocking.
When Evan returns to the bar, Jared, “Love man” from Kaitlyn’s season, asks how it went with Amanda and Evan claims that Amanda cried because she came to paradise for Evan and wanted to take him out on a date but then Josh arrived. That is actually not at all what happened, but Evan likes to convince himself of things that are not real.
It’s the women’s turn to offer roses tonight, so the men do weird things like shave each other’s back in preparation. Seriously.
Chris Harrison greets the group and Josh is sweating so profusely it looks like he just finished competing in an Olympic event. I can’t believe there wasn’t a chapter in Andi’s book about this or his moaning because the combo is almost worse than what she did write about.
Before the cocktail reception begins, Chris reminds us that there are seven women and nine men still in paradise and two men will be going home tonight, which causes the remaining men to initiate their final ploys to stay in paradise.
Christian, who I actually remember nothing about from JoJo’s season, pulls Sarah, who was sent home from Sean Lowe’s season and "Bachelor in Paradise," making this her third try at love on this franchise, aside first and they kiss before Daniel, a male model who doesn’t look like a male model, steals Sarah away. A bee stings Daniel and he says, “A bee came along and tried to impregnate my chin,” and then he kisses Sarah. I’d like to be gifted a book of one-liners by Daniel.
Brandon, who no one remembered from Desiree’s season, is confident that Haley, one of the twins no one can tell apart, will give him the rose but she isn’t sure about it because he couldn’t tell her apart from the other twin — and that’s a deal-breaker. I don’t even know what color eyes the last person I went on a date with has, so these twins have pretty high expectations.
Evan decides that he has more to say to Amanda and asks to talk to her one last time before the rose ceremony.
As they sit down for the second time, Evan takes a different approach. He tells Amanda that he heard about Andi’s book. I think this season of "Bachelor in Paradise" is the most press Andi has gotten since this book was published.
Evan goes on to say that in “It’s Not Okay,” Andi wrote about how Josh was emotionally abusive. Evan tells her that as a friend, he just wants to make sure Amanda is looked out for. Not at all that he wants a pity rose to stay for another week.
After this conversation, Amanda sits down with Lace, the self-proclaimed “crazy girl” and drunk from Ben’s season, and one of the twins and shares this new information from Evan. Lace says they’ve all told her to be careful of Josh already, and I wonder if Josh has any friends.
Immediately after this conversation, Lace jumps on Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter from JoJo’s season, and tells him what Evan said to Amanda.
Obviously, Grant feels inclined to share the details with Josh, who isn’t happy to learn this happened. As Josh is talking with Amanda about what Evan said, Evan walks into the room and Josh asks if they can chat. They walk out to the beach and Josh asks, “Anything you want to tell me?”
Josh tells Evan that he should get to know him before judging him. He brings God into it again. Evan accuses Josh of being polished and knowing all of the right things to say. I think what he’s suggesting is that Josh has been heavily media trained, which is completely accurate.
When Josh says that the book is fictional, Evan asks why he doesn’t sue Andi for libel, and Josh says something else about God. Evan suggests that Josh is hiding behind inspirational quotes by offering, “There’s an ocean of words but they mean nothing without thoughts,” which sounds like an inspirational quote to me, but I’m the opposite of inspirational so who knows what he’s saying.
As this never-ending conversation continues, Nick Viall, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars," decides to tell Amanda that he thinks she’s amazing and that he didn’t read the book but the things Andi wrote about him were pretty bad. I would bet my entire life that Nick has read and probably annotated Andi’s book more than once. He encourages Amanda to ask him the right questions and be aware and I wonder if someone left behind a quote of the day calendar because these kids are dropping words of “inspiration” by the second.
When Amanda makes it back to Josh, he makes his final case by saying, “What you see is what you get.” So basically she is getting sweat, moaning and enormous teeth.
Lace, the self-proclaimed “crazy girl” and drunk from Ben’s season, offers her rose to Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter from JoJo’s season, and he accepts
Izzy, who was sent home the first night of Ben’s season so no one knows who she is or why she’s here, is next and calls Vinny, the barber whose mom showed up at “The Men Tell All” to tell everyone he’s single. He accepts.
Emily, one of the twins no one can tell apart, hands her rose to Jared, “Love man” from Kaitlyn’s season, and he accepts
Amanda, the single mom from Orange County and Ben’s season, decides to stick with Josh, and he gloats and then accepts.
Sarah, who was sent home from Sean Lowe’s season and "Bachelor in Paradise," making this her third try at love on this franchise, offers her rose to Daniel, the male model who doesn’t look like a male model, despite her interest in Christian, who I actually remember nothing about from JoJo’s season.
Carly, the former cruise ship karaoke singer from Chris Soules’ season, gives it to Evan who accepts with a skip in his step, a smirk on his face and this gem of a statement — “Carly may have closed the door but I think she forgot to lock it. I can definitely sneak back in.” And with that, I fear for Carly’s life.
Haley, one of the twins no one can tell apart, offers the last rose to Nick Viall, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars," telling him he deserves to find love. For a third time. If you even questioned whether he said yes, you and Evan should hang out.
As Christian and Brandon leave, Evan offers this as a toast — “To the pursuit of love and all its twists and turns. Cheers, guys. I love you,” and I need Evan to go home. His kids’ babysitter is probably thinking the same thing.
The next morning, Emily and Jared sit at the bar and Emily gushes about how much he loves Jared and wants to spend every day with him. So naturally, Caila, the almost Bachelorette who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person, walks down the stairs with a fresh blowout.
The men in paradise all gasp at how hot she is and the women all want her to walk right back up the stairs.
After greeting the half-happy/half-angry group, Caila reads her date card, which says, “Caila, welcome to paradise, it’s time to get back in the saddle. Choose a date.”
All of the other women stare as Caila, the almost Bachelorette who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person, talks to each man while the other women complain about her by claiming “she is perfect.” They must not know how she spells her name.
Caila asks Jared on the date, but because Jared is that guy who always does the right thing on national TV, he tells her that he wants to talk to Emily before agreeing to the date.
Jared tells Emily, “Here’s the truth. I feel like if I don’t go I might regret it but I really…” and then he pauses so that she has to say something and he doesn’t look like a jerk. Jared’s got this “Love man” thing down.
Emily tells him he’s very nice and she wants him to go. He basically runs back to tell Caila yes, and as the rest of the cast awkwardly watches, Jared and Caila get ready for their date.
Caila decides that a good outfit for horseback riding is a sleeveless, white top. This is a decision only women with small chests, like Caila, can make — and it was a bad decision even for her, as her boobs didn’t stand a chance wearing that shirt on a horseback ride through sand.
Caila says she took horseback riding classes in Argentina and I bet Caila grew up somewhere like Martha’s Vineyard and had two nannies that she still writes hand-written notes to on stationary she sprays with perfume before sending. She’s probably also one of those girls who writes "xo" at the end of all of her emails.
They ride horses into the ocean and then decide to swim. Jared is smitten and after calling her beautiful he kisses her as the sun sets. She probably drew “xo” onto his back with her finger while they were kissing.
Back on the island, Nick Viall, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars," tries to console Emily, one of the twins no one can tell apart, by saying, “No one falls in love on a horse.” He would know.
As Vinny, the barber whose mom showed up at “The Men Tell All” to tell everyone he’s single, is sleeping, Daniel, the male model who doesn’t look like a male model, decides to pour water into his belly button and then drink it with a straw, and the straight guy I’m watching this with says, “He’s definitely gay.”
SECOND DATE CARD
Haley, one of the twins no one can tell apart, reads, “Izzy and Lace, tonight is the first double date in paradise history. Grab your guys.” They do that weird squeal thing that women do and Izzy calls the foursome the “Fantastic Four,” because when you’re in your early 20s you do things like that. And, like, not as a joke.
Before we move on, Jared breaks up with Emily and, through massive tears, she says, “I don’t want to cry because I, like, look cute right now.” Jared really attracts the crazy criers (ahem, Ashley I.)
The “Fantastic Four” sit down for dinner and it gets worse. They’ve not only decided that collectively they are the “Fantastic Four” but also that Grant and Lace together are “Grace” and Vinny and Izzy are “Vizzy." I would rather jump out of a moving vehicle than watch this date continue.
They spend all of dinner talking about how much they love their significant others with gems like, “I’m totally in it to Vin it.”
Back at the resort Sarah and Carly have invited Daniel and Evan over to drink wine and Evan truly believes this means that he has another chance with Carly and not just that she’s bored and needs attention.
Carly tells the cameras, “Sometimes I’m incredibly creeped out by that man [Evan] and sometimes I really like him,” which doesn’t sound like the kind of man I’d want to date, but I also wouldn’t go on TV to try and find love three times.
As Evan leaves he tries to kiss Carly and she rejects him, so naturally he thinks there is still a chance.
Evan heads back to his room to lie down and after a few minutes, a concerned producer walks in and shakes him, trying to get him to move/wake up. He won’t so another producer calls for a medic.
They tell Carly and she goes to attend to him. When she gets there, he is alert and fine. It’s like he pulled a Kelsey, the contestant who faked a panic attack to get more time with Chris Soules. The doctor suggests that Carly spend the night with him to make sure he’s OK.
She acts like she doesn’t want to do this, but within 11 seconds they are making out in bed.
Back on the double date, the “Fantastic Four” are all holding hands before they learn their date is at Senor Frogs for a foam party. In Puerto Vallarta. Basically, they are reliving every spring break any of us have ever been on at the same Senor Frogs where we’ve all kissed a stranger or two.
While Izzy and Lace are laying on their backs preparing for body shots, a girl dumps a pitcher of ice water on the two of them, and Lace is not OK with this. Before picking a fight, Grant gets her out of the bar — and again, this date is spring break sophomore year for all of us.
As the night ends, Nick Viall, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars," is sitting by himself on the beach in the dark staring into the water while Josh and Amanda are getting naked in a bed, and this is the metaphor that is Nick Viall forever. He tells us that he is embarrassed that Josh could be doing this to him again and calls himself a loser, so I won’t make a joke here.
We are shown footage of a raging waterfall followed by fireworks in the background, implying Josh and Amanda had sex. To confirm that implication, we are taken to the bedroom where Josh is on top of Amanda, moaning and thrusting. We hear Amanda say, “You’re so sweaty,” which is exactly what one wants to be thinking about the first time they have sex on camera.
In the morning, Jared and Caila have secluded themselves from the rest of the group to flirt and kiss. At the same time this is happening, Ashley I., the virgin who looks like a Kardashian from Chris Soules' season, makes her way down the stairs to tell us that she is back in paradise because she is still in love with Jared.
And, you guessed it, TO BE CONTINUED…
Christian, who is very active on Bumble if you live in Los Angeles and want to date him.
Brandon, who will be as remembered for this season of "Bachelor in Paradise" as he was for his time on Desiree’s season.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
“I have been dumped twice on national television” – Nick Viall.
As always, tell me what you think on Twitter or Snapchat @abbydraper. See you tomorrow night!