Dave Navarro wonders what he's doing here, too.
Dave Navarro was on One Tree Hill this week. We know, he fulfilled the Obligatory Celebrity Cameo in the show's Hangover storyline, but still -- how does this show keep getting big music stars, and why does no one seem to notice? The press is all over Glee (which we love) for its ability to pull big guest stars, and meanwhile, this little show that no one seems to notice gets Dave Navarro in a water-condom fight and we hear bupkis. How does this keep happening? Who does Mark Schwahn have compromising pictures of? Or are a surprising number of rock stars closet CW fans?
ANYway. The show. It's the morning after Brooke's bachelorette party, and things are rough. Brooke loses her engagement ring, Quinn gets a tongue piercing, Millie suddenly has a tattoo, Alex has a black eye and Sylvia is sporting a rocker t-shirt. What happened?
Stop 1: The spa suite
The night started off innocently enough, with hunky men giving massages and dispensing green smoothies at a spa suite. But those foul-looking energy drinks are apparently a recipe for disaster when mixed with booze. Oops.
<a href="http://polldaddy.com/poll/4452241/" mce_href="http://polldaddy.com/poll/4452241/">Most embarrassing aftereffect from the evening</a><span style="font-size:9px;" mce_style="font-size:9px;"><a href="http://polldaddy.com/features-surveys/" mce_href="http://polldaddy.com/features-surveys/">customer surveys</a></span> Stop 2: The bull-riding bar
Somehow, the fivesome wandered over to a Jane's Addiction concert and kidnapped Dave Navarro. Then they go to a country-western bar with a mechanical bull and a horrific drink called "The Boot": "15 types of alcohol mixed in a real cowboy boot." Ew. Millie apparently bested the boot, and to celebrate, they ended up at ...
Stop 3: The tattoo parlor
Millie gets a tramp stamp of a pair of boots to commemorate her victory over footwear, and Alex convinces Quinn to let her pierce her tongue. Ack! Dave Navarro apparently also gets a commemorative tat, but we just see the picture, not the tattooing itself. Oh, and one of Millie's "brothers" got a tat, too, which leads to...
Stop 4: The college campus
Apparently the girls made friends with a bunch of frat boys, who took the party back to their house. This happens to be on the campus where Nate is getting his business degree, and the hated professor August Kellerman lives nearby. So the girls TP his house, throw eggs, and kidnap Dogust Kellerman, the nasty prof's skateboard-riding bulldog.
Also, they're now driving an ice cream truck.
Stop 5: The wings joint
The group ends up at a restaurant that specializes in hot wings, and Sylvia makes her mark by defeating the reigning wing-eating champion (a fireman) and ending up on the "Wall of Flame." Brooke busied herself with "making out with some guy," according to the waitress. She's shocked.
Stop 6: Clothes Over Bros
But that's nothing compared to what she discovers at Clothes Over Bros: A half-naked Dave Navarro. He takes back the shirt Sylvia stole, then thanks Brooke for a wild time: "Oh, Brooke, by the way, you were amazing. I can't remember the last time I busted through that many condoms in one night."
After a freak-out, Brooke discovers that the condoms were used for a water-balloon fight on the roof, during which Dave Navarro nailed Alex in the face, which gave her the black eye. Brooke and Sylvia simultaneously remember that that wasn't the only blood spilled: They had a vicious fight in which Sylvia called Brooke selfish and called out her inability to have children, and Brooke called Sylvia smothering and called out her drinking. Awkward!
Brooke goes home to confess her sins to Julian, who reveals that he was the guy she was making out with in the restaurant, and he held onto her engagement ring for safe keeping. Also, he spent much of his bachelor-party time decorating the church just like Brooke described in her wedding book. Sylvia helped, and paid for it all. "You did all this for me?" Brooke asks. "I did this for the girl my son loves," Sylvia replies. And just like that, they've made up.
Sylvia also dispenses some words of wisdom re: friends growing apart and appreciating the people who are actually there for you. Because to no one's surprise, Peyton won't be at the wedding. At this point, we almost wish that Leyton had gone into witness protection -- it's the only reason we can think of for them missing everything that's happened. Brooke asks Haley to be her Matron of Honor, since she's actually there, and we prepare for the wedding next week.
Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends
Dave Navarro says this is the best night ever. Does the show really expect us to believe that? The man has gotten awards for directing porn. Somehow we don't think water balloon fights, even those using condoms, can compare.
Sharon Lawrence does recovering-from-a-bender well. We loved her drinking directly from the sink.
We wish we could look that good after a massive bender. Two glasses of wine (or whatever we consume while recapping) and we look like we've been dead for six months.
When Haley discovers the receipt from the tattoo parlor (do tattoo parlors give receipts?) the girls all start checking themselves for tats in all the usual places. "It's like an x-rated version of 'Where's Waldo,'" Haley quips.
And about Haley -- the show cleverly sends her home to help Nathan study. As she's preggers, she wouldn't have been drinking, and therefore she would have remembered everything -- and probably stopped some of it from happening.
Dave Navarro wrote his phone number on Brooke's leg with chocolate. See, that sounds like something he'd do...
Poor Millie, who spent half of the episode trying to figure out why everyone was calling her Boots. And why would she get a cowboy-boots tramp stamp? "Because that tattoo kicks ass!" Haley says. Heh.
Sylvia: "Has everyone dated this Lucas character?"
Putative reason Leyton is skipping the wedding: Baby Sawyer is sick. Unless she's in the hospital, we don't understand why one of them can't make it...
Nathan's prof continues to be a schmuck. We can't imagine why he'd have such a cool dog.Copyright © 2015, The Baltimore Sun