Harriette Cole: How single mom should deal with spoiled children

February 3, 2008

DEAR HARRIETTE // My teenage children are greedy and overindulged. I acknowledge my role in their behavior but simply cannot afford their materialistic desires. My ex-husband, an investment banker, and I divorced three years ago. I was a homemaker until then and have minimal skills, so I am in graduate school studying social work. Though we receive child-support payments, I cannot seem to get my 15- and 13-year-old to understand I simply don't have money to cater to their every whim. How can I broach the topic without looking like a total crybaby? ESTELLA, WEST CHESTER, PA.

DEAR ESTELLA // First things first. You are the boss! Why would you feel like a crybaby by giving your children boundaries? The financial stability of the house isn't their responsibility -- it's yours. Although you overindulged them all of these years, it isn't too late to turn back.

Let your children know they will continue to be rewarded for stellar grades and achievement, but catering to their every whim has stopped.

Doing it all of these years has had a negative outcome, and it is time to correct the problem. Make sure that you discuss this with your ex-husband as well, so boundaries are enforced on both sides.

The next time they ask for something unearned or unnecessary, just say no.

You will be surprised at how empowered you will feel. Two good books on this topic are Give It Up! My Year of Learning to Live Better with Less by Mary Carlomagno (William Morrow, 2006) and Mom's House, Dad's House by Isolina Ricci (Macmillan, 1998).

Life coach and author Harriette Cole is the new creative director of Ebony magazine. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com