The same week I saw the much anticipated Paul Thomas Anderson movie, I also caught the latest from Paul W.S. Anderson. It’s a piece of garbage called Resident Evil: Retribution. I just found out this is the 5th in the series (was this really necessary?). It’s all based on a videogame. Yes, it does have a video game feel, but so what. Both the Tron movies did and they were bad, too.

You can spend an extra few bucks seeing this in 3D.

I can never figure movie audiences out. A wonderful film that felt like a video game – Scott Pilgrim vs the Universe – tanked. Yet this movie will make millions more than it should. In fact, if you pay more than the quarter you would for a video game, you spend 25 cents too much.

It stars a woman with the best eyes in Hollywood – Milla Jovovich. It co-stars the actress with the worst – Michelle Rodriguez. Both of them dames can carry big guns, though.

Jovovich is trapped in this building and talks to screens. There’s an Umbrella corporation that she was part of that now wants her dead. I think. I was a bit confused. She fights zombies in simulated settings that put her in places like Moscow, Tokyo, Germany, and in a suburban setting. She takes a liking to a deaf girl that is the clone of her daughter. I think.

There’s a Red Queen that reminded me of a character in Sin City. It’s unfortunate that she wasn’t as fun as Helena Bonham-Carter was a few years ago.

There are lots of slow-motion fighting scenes, and flips that aren’t physically possible.

I really should’ve left after the first five minutes. It started with a goofy fighting sequence that they ended up playing again in reverse. There was a dumb monologue.

Since I brought a friend, I figured I’d tough it out. He likes almost every movie he sees, so why disappoint him?

There were a few scenes where they went into the various simulated settings and I thought of aliens that did that in Dark City (a Sci-Fi film I highly recommend).

I hated the score for this, but in all fairness, it was probably based on the video game. At one point I thought of the Queen song Body Language. Never a good thing.

As we left, after two hours of this torture, I looked at my friend for a reaction. He had a confused look on his face and asked “What did we just watch? I’m confused by everything I just saw.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

This movie gets 0 stars out of 5.