Odds aren't good for 'What Happens in Vegas'

(D) What Happens in Vegas is the kind of terrible mistake performers as big as Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher usually make at the beginning of their careers, when they're anxious to break into the movies, or at the end, when they're struggling for a comeback.

It's a screwed-up screwball farce about a slacker (Kutcher) and a go-getter (Diaz) who meet and get married one drunken night in Las Vegas. They win a $3 million jackpot with her quarter and his pull on a one-armed bandit and are sentenced to "six months hard marriage" when they try to get an annulment and sue each other for the money. It will have Diaz fans wistfully recalling There's Something About Mary and Kutcher fans who lined up for Guess Who wondering, instead, "Why?"

Kutcher plays Jack Fuller, fired by his father (Treat Williams) from a job at the family closet-making company, and Diaz plays Joy McNally, a rising star on Wall Street whose boyfriend (Jason Sudeikis) doesn't only dump her but also humiliates her in front of all their friends. The setup in New York City is promisingly slick - much cleverer than the frantic pivotal sequence in Vegas, where they share a spring-break sort of frolic and exchange sloshed words of wisdom before pledging their marital vow. You really hope that what happens there stays there and the movie will move on.

Alas, the director, Tom Vaughan, and the writer, Dana Fox, bring the spirit of their Vegas disaster back to New York. There, Jack and Joy strive to make the worst of their situation, undercutting and antagonizing each other in the hope that he or she misses an appointment with their court-appointed marital counselor ( Queen Latifah) or makes some other mistake that will cause their judge ( Dennis Miller) to censure one and give the other all the money. The humor is basic and desperate. Because Joy had been living with her boyfriend, she must move into Jack's grimy no-bedroom apartment, sleep on his Murphy bed and sanitize his kitchen and bathroom.

The real auteur of this movie is not director Vaughan, writer Fox or either star, but the PG-13 rating. Like many a numb-skulled high-school comedy geek working off his adolescent sexual heat with coarse gags and innuendo, the film has its head in the toilet and its hands in the lingerie drawer, compensating for the lack of any real sexuality with gross-outs and juvenile erotic teasing.

You scoff at the tired gags about toilet seats left in the up position and hair all over the bathroom - until you're treated to the sight of Jack urinating in the kitchen sink and telling Joy it's her turn to do the dishes. (This fortnight's version of The Odd Couple is even more tired and crass than the last one, Baby Mama.)

As usual, the hero's and heroine's best friends, played by Rob Corddry and Lake Bell, function mainly to set off would-be witticisms even cruder than the stars'. Corddry's and Bell's characters are so generic they even bear cute generic names - Corddry plays a lawyer named Hater and Bell a barmaid named Tipper. (Hater, of course, takes to calling her "Stripper.")

The film may start off with a surprise party, but there isn't a real surprise in it as the leads grow to appreciate each other's virtues and fall in love. When Joy must bring Jack to a corporate retreat, he charms her boss (Dennis Farina) with his earthy humor and ups her standing in the company. If you fear the film will add contemptible office values to the rest of its flaws, don't worry - by the end, this adolescent fantasy stands up for any couple's right to opt out of the workforce, especially if they share $3 million.

Diaz and Kutcher look sharp together (he has the right height and heft for her), but they don't act well together. Kutcher's skill at self-satire and hers at lending sweetness and yearning to low comedy rebound off each other's taut, well-toned surfaces. And they can't overcome the bargain-basement yucks that pave the road to Jack and Joy's romance.

The one actor I wanted more of was Williams, who imbues Jack's dad with a robust, sometimes domineering wiliness that suggests a real person. Of course, these silly, inept filmmakers probably cast him because he plays a good guy and his first name is Treat.

>>>What Happens in Vegas (20th Century Fox) Starring Cameron Diaz, Ashton Kutcher, Rob Corddry, Lake Bell. Directed by Tom Vaughan. Rated PG-13 for language, crude humor and sexual content. Time 99 minutes.

michael.sragow@baltsun.com

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