'The Bachelorette'

Desiree Hartsock gave Chris Siegfried her final rose on "The Bachelorette." (Francisco Roman / ABC)

We need to talk about last night.

Listen, ABC, I’ll give it to you: That was some quality television. We haven’t had a “Bachelor/ette” season end with a dramatic twist like that since the whole Jason/Molly/Melissa fiasco. Even Reality Steve didn’t spoil the ending correctly, which fills me with a perverse sense of glee.

So, just to state the obvious: Des picked Chris, he proposed, and they’re still engaged. In fact, they’re moving to Seattle this weekend. That’s right! Even though Des cried for 300 hours and said her journey was over when Brooks bowed out on last week’s episode, she did an about-face and went with a rebound dude. (Oh, and she sent Drew home. Duh? There were tears. And hair gel.)

However, I am feeling deeply conflicted about Des’ choice, as I think a lot of Bachelor nation is on the morning after. The thing is -- I’d rather Des be with Chris instead of Brooks. Although Brooks and his hair were enjoyable to look at, homeboy was bland as dry toast. It was never entirely clear to me why Des felt so strongly for him, other than that she was (stupidly, but understandably) attracted to the fact that he was the only guy not in love with her.

Chris, on the other hand? His only downfall was his really, really bad poetry. And trust me, I don’t take that poetry lightly. This is a man whose idea of romantic poetry includes the words “I get to hold you and hug you / I get to kiss you and love you.” But! This is also a man who is goofy enough to publicly share that poetry. A former “professional” baseball player! (Whatever, he’s sporty and looks good shirtless.) A man whose father is able to provide a lifetime of back adjustments to his daughter-in-law -- gratis!

For real, though, I love me some Chris. He's sweet and sensitive and he gives out journals! Leather-bound ones. Which is why I’m not OK with him being the pity pick! I mean, am I the only one who was weirded out when, on “After the Final Rose,” he didn’t say he was even remotely bothered by the whole Brooks fiasco?

He has since realized his fiancee bawled her eyes out, saying she only saw herself with Brooks just TWO days before he proposed, and he still feels good about getting down on one knee? Guys, chime in here. Am I missing something? 'Cause in that sitch, I’d feel like a rebound.

What really bothered me, though, was that after Des got dumped by Brooks, she tried to act as though she had truly been considering Chris as a viable option the entire season.

Um, no, gurl! Approximately 48 hours ago, you said Brooks was the only one for you. And sure, I totally get it. It feels good to have someone showering you with love after your heart has been trampled on. But the fact that Des kept repeating that she had never been treated this well by any guy only strengthened my belief that she’s settling.

After being hurt so badly, there’s no better feeling than the security of someone who -- in the words of the infamous Kasey Kahl -- will vow to guard and protect your heart forever.

If I am to put my cynical nature aside for un momento, I guess she did reject Drew because she wasn’t feeling any sparks with him. And Drew was just as obsessed with her as Chris. Plus, she did seem happy when she was with Chris this season, taking time out to write him her own atrocious poetry. 

But, ugh! What she said right before Chris proposed is sticking with me -- that her love for Brooks blindsided her, and she couldn’t see the great guy in front of her all along.

I think she wants to love Chris, but she’ll always wonder what it would be like to be with a guy whose affection she has to fight for -- i.e. Brooks. C’mon, sweetie. We’ve all seen “Sex & the City.” This is classic Aidan vs. Big, right here.

Still, good luck in Seattle, guys. I actually mean that. I’m very happy that you will write poetry together in that special little journal. Poetry that I will never have to hear! Until Chris inevitably tries to self-publish his own anthology in a few months. Yay!

And I'll see you back here in January for the new season of "The Bachelor," starring JuanPabs! And yes, I will be referring to him solely as JuanPabs.

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