This just in from Mila Kunis: She is pregnant. Ashton Kutcher is not pregnant.
And neither is Jimmy Kimmel, whose wife is expecting and on whose late-night show she appeared Tuesday. And for that matter, neither is any man whose lady partner is going to give birth in the next nine months or so.
Kunis went on a faux tirade after the host set her up by saying, "My wife and I are pregnant. We're having a baby very soon as well."
Grabbing a mike and standing up to speak directly to the camera, Kunis let fly.
"Hello, I'm Mila Kunis, with a very special message for all you soon-to-be fathers," she said by way of launching into an admonishing rant. "Stop saying 'We're pregnant.' You're not pregnant. Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-size person out of your lady-hole? No. Are you crying alone in your car listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? No. When you wake up and throw up, is it because you're nurturing a human life? No. It's because you had too many shots of tequila. Do you know how many shots of tequila we had? None. Because we can't have shots of tequila. We can't have anything. Because we've got your little love goblin growing inside of us. All you did was roll over and fall asleep.
"You're not pregnant," she continued as she was joined by eight pregnant women wielding half-gallons of ice cream. "We are!"
But is indignant Mila the real Mila? We hardly think so, as later in the sit-down she also touched on topics that have earned her a "cool chick" reputation: her love of sports and her ability to let go and have fun.
While Kutcher gets into the nitty-gritty of sports, she said, she prefers the "idea" of live sporting events: the beer, the hot dogs, the whole experience. She has Dodgers season tickets and tries to make it to as many games as she can.
That said, sometimes she and her fiance get those "fancy tickets" at courtside for Lakers and Clippers games, and that's a whole different kind of experience.
"You find yourself having to constantly watch what you say, because they actually hear you, versus where I normally sit, where no one gives, you know, anything about what you say. Here, you're right next to the player, right next to the coach, you constantly are censoring yourself. It's just awkward. ...
"They hear you," she said. "They respond!"
(Not to mention you're prime kiss-cam bait, right?)
Kunis prefers the anonymity of a football game:
"Football, no one hears you," she told Kimmel. "You can just yell and yell and yell, it's great. ... It's oddly therapeutic for me. I view live sporting events as a very calming yet violent experience.
"Because you're just sitting down, you're having a beer, you're relaxed, but you're being so, like, vulgar -- it's great!"
Kunis' film "Third Person" hits U.S. screens in limited release on June 20.Copyright © 2015, The Baltimore Sun