Cards offer bells and whistles

Kevin Cowherd

May 7, 2008

There's always something new from Hallmark, the sappy, greeting-card people, and this year is no exception.

This year's ground-breaking innovation is: Mother's Day cards that let you record a 10-second message to Mom and play a clip of the song that's apparently become synonymous with motherhood, Tag Team's "Whoomp! There It Is."

OK, maybe you're thinking: Gee, I didn't know that song was big with mothers.

Well, neither did I.

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In fact, I seem to recall lyrics about shaking derrieres and swilling gin and juice and puff- ing something stronger than a Marlboro Light.

But strangely enough, it's one of the songs offered on these new cards, along with other more sedate tunes, including Phil Collins' "You'll Be in My Heart" and Tanya Tucker's "Here's Some Love."

I myself picked up a recordable Mother's Day card that plays Johnny Cash's "I Walk the Line," which I think my 88-year-old mother will enjoy receiving.

Well, maybe. She's probably never heard a Johnny Cash song in her whole life.

Anyway, the outside of the colorful card has a picture of two birds sitting on telephone wires and says: "Mom, sometimes I was a handful, but you raised me right."

On the inside it says: "Thanks for keeping me in line."

So after she opens it and reads that, the first thing she'll hear is my recorded message. ("Mom, wishing you a happy Mother's Day from the Free State! Now sit back and listen to the dulcet tones of ... Mr. Johnny Cash!")

Then when Johnny starts warbling in that whiskey voice ("I keep a close watch on this heart of mine/I keep my eyes wide open all the time") I'm sure mom's reaction will be: What the hell is this?

She'll be on the phone to me 10 seconds later.

So maybe it'll all be a little too much for her.

But the "Whoomp! There It Is" card - that would've been way too much.

Anyway, Hallmark's new cards really are a technological marvel, seeing as how the sender's message is recorded on a computer chip that's embedded in the card.

And that, apparently, is why the price of each card is $74.95.

OK, I'm kidding.

They're really $5.99 each, which still seems pricey to me.

You could buy probably a gallon of gas for that kind of money. On the other hand, the fact that the card contains a computer chip and costs only $5.99 probably explains the poor quality of the voice that's being recorded.