Adult children only come to see parents when they want cash

By TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES

June 29, 2008

DEAR AMY I read with interest the letter from "Don't Know What To Do," the mom describing her fractured relationship with her adult children, who were 26 and 24.

Everyone lived in the same town, but the "kids" never seemed to come around unless they needed something - usually money.

The parents were contemplating moving to a retirement community in another state, and the "kids" were "all shook up." I guess my question to you, Amy, is what do you think makes the kids want to "come around" after they are grown?

For the crowd still plodding through bringing up children, what can they instill in their relationships to make the kids want to "bother" with them when they grow up?

Confused in Connecticut

DEAR CONFUSED This particular parent couldn't understand why her adult children continued to expect the parents to be available with an open wallet - and yet the kids never visited for pleasure and were never available to help out when the parents occasionally needed a hand.

In order for 20-somethings to want to "bother" with their parents, they first need to grow up knowing they matter.

They need to learn that their thoughts and actions make a difference within the family and also to their community.

The families I admire the most develop their own identity. This identity is composed of qualities parents prize, demonstrate and try to instill in their children.

Parents should convey to children that the family works best when they are working well within it.

Kids should be asked to do things for the good of the group - not for cash - but they should also learn how good it feels to earn compensation.

Parents should have high expectations and also appreciate their kids' efforts. Parents should enjoy but not overly indulge their children.

Parents should learn to say "no" when their children are young - otherwise they won't know how to say it later on when the stakes are much higher.

Kids "come around" when they enjoy and value their parents' company and when they feel they're an important and integral part of the family. I welcome comments from readers.

DEAR AMY I wanted to comment on your advice to "Very Upset," who did not want her daughter-in-law breast-feeding in "public" areas of her house.

I think the daughter-in-law should tell her mother-in-law that the baby will dine wherever the rest of the family is dining, or the baby won't be coming over.

This grandmother wouldn't send her older grandchild off to another room to eat (presumably).

Breast-feeding is important and admirable, not something that should be hidden. Of all people, a mother should understand!

The formula I use is breast milk!

Another Mother

DEAR ANOTHER I seldom hear from men regarding breast-feeding, but my mail reflects a preponderance of older women who seem to be quite bothered by it.

I assume this is because this generation had their children in an era in which breast-feeding was discouraged. I hope the current generation of breast-feeding mothers will be more tolerant when their children have children.