Medal man needs a mighty moniker

Kevin Cowherd

August 21, 2004

SURE, MICHAEL Phelps appears to have everything a 19-year-old guy could want: fame, fortune and a chestful of Olympic gold medals that's the ultimate babe magnet, way better than hot wheels or walking your poodle past the bars at Happy Hour.

But there's still something missing in the kid's life.

And that something is this: a cool nickname.

Let's face it, when you get to be as big as Phelps is - five gold medals and two bronze in Athens as my fat little fingers type this - you need a nickname.

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Unfortunately, swimming is not exactly a sport known for cool nicknames.

OK, there's Ian Thorpe, the great Australian gold medalist, who has a terrific nickname: "The Thorpedo."

But after that, the quality of swimmer nicknames tends to drop off the cliff.

For instance, freestyle ace Pieter van den Hoogenband from the Netherlands is called "The Flying Dutchman."

I know, I know ... yawn. That nickname's been around forever.

Apparently if you have any Dutch ancestry at all and do anything even remotely fast - eat, run, skate, ski, carry a football, whatever - they call you "The Flying Dutchman."

Then again, another nickname for van den Hoogenband is "Hoogie." But that's not exactly a name that conveys a sense of majesty, is it?

And it's probably not going to intimidate the opposition, either.

Imagine the P.A. announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, now warming up in lane 4 ... HOOGIE!"

C'mon. Is that going to send chills through anyone else in the race?

So far, Phelps has been tagged with some pretty lame nicknames - although mercifully none of them have really stuck.

According to a Sun sportswriter Paul McMullen, one of Phelps' fans tried calling him the "Baltimore Barracuda."

But I imagine that lasted for about six seconds.

After all, who wants to be named after a bad muscle car from the '70s?

McMullen also reported that the European press had taken to calling Phelps "The Phenom."

But I don't know ... that one's been around the block a few times, too.

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Medal man needs a mighty moniker

Kevin Cowherd

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Medal man needs a mighty moniker

Kevin Cowherd

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