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'America's Next Top Model' recap: Autopsy tables and Express stereoypes

The CW (tv network)America's Next Top Model (tv program)CBS Corp.

Nothing is more awkward than watching a gaggle of models try to pronouce medical jargon, and that's what made it all the more fun.

This week, CBS (CW parent company) shamelessly plugged "CSI" (which I haven't watched since Grissom left), Express beat it into our brains that they sell fun, flirty and sophisticated clothes and Kayla was rushed to the hospital ... because she was stressed.

In the end, one model went home and I threw a little parade in my head afterward. Join me, won't you?

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Call the ambulance

Back at the house, Kayla tells the girls she's feeling dizzy and all around like poo. Her heart's racing, she's gasping for air and when things start looking serious, the cameramen put down their gear and help her while she pukes her guts out. How nice of them. Eventually, the ambulance is called and Kayla is taken to the hospital.

But don't worry — she comes back around 2 a.m. with the news that she had cardiac arrhythmia, which can be caused by stress or too much caffeine.

You made Kayla sick, "Top Model"! How dare you?

Welcome to the house of the dead

At a soundstage in Los Angeles, it's revealed that the models will audition for a part on "CSI" in an autopsy room scene. Awesome, right? That is until they actually have to, you know, act and junk.

The real problem is the medical terms. As Kayla put it, "Half the words are longer than my face." That's pretty long ... I think. The words that really trip the girls up: gas chromatograph mass-spectrum. Try saying that five times fast (no, really, try it. It's pretty fun).

But surprise! The models either 1. forget the words 2. mess up the jargon or 3. start throwing in words like "Neosporin" because that's something they would say on "CSI." The only two who rock the audition: Angelea and Bre.

While Angelea brings the 716 attitude to the autopsy room, Bre is a natural and wins the challenge AND the role on the show. This isn't a shocker as she can currently be seen in a Garnier hair dye commercial.

Lisa's the worst. And by worst I mean she shouldn't be allowed to act. Ever. She says it's because she's the last one of the day and forgot what she memorized. I say it's because she's Lisa.

All aboard the model Express

Since the winning all-star will get a national campaign with clothing store Express, their photo shoot revolves around modeling their line while rocking a socialite, cool chick, flirt or girlfriend role. To spice things up, they get to model with three handsome male models. You'll never hear anyone complain about male models.

Angelea makes a strong comeback from last week's stilt fiasco and kills it. Bre and Allison were also fantastic.

Camille comes to the shoot already defeated, saying that she probably isn't the type of girl Express would book because she's 33 and not young enough. Being 26, it makes me cringe to think that 33 is considered old. By modeling standards, I should be retiring soon.

Lisa is also incredibly awkward, and not even her normal kind of charming awkwardness. She tries jumping off stairs, jumping the air, just a lot of jumping in general. And it's weird. The three male models wind up holding her like a 5-foot-long hoagie in shiny pants and it's — you guessed it! — weird.

Boring says buh-bye

The majority of the photos are pretty good and look like legit Express ads. Especially Laura, Allison, Bre and Angelea, who I'm really glad now didn't go home last week.

When Lisa is called before the judging panel, she does a mini moonwalk. Maybe to distract from how crappy her photo is? Either way, it doesn't work. Neither does her crocheted bow headband. She just makes excuses about how the male models were hungry and she didn't want to make them work any harder. Riiiiiiight.

In Camille's pic, she's just staring off into space and blends into the background. It doesn't look good for her.

Angelea is called first (woo!) while Lisa and Camille are in the bottom two.

Tyra calls Lisa an Excuse Monster (which you can look for next week on "Sesame Steet") and says Camille isn't any better. She's not. Boring "old" Camille is sent packing amid very little fanfare. See you later, Camille.

Wanda Sue originals

Anyone else loving Laura's outfits that her grandmother makes? Anyone else still think it's weird/adorable that her grandmother still makes her outfits when she's a legit model? Oh, Southerners.

Come for the models, stay for the Kardashians

On another note, I seriously can't wait for the Kardashian sisters and LaToya Jackson next week. Can Khloe take over for Tyra just for one show?

Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun
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The CW (tv network)America's Next Top Model (tv program)CBS Corp.
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