Heather

Heather Dubrow from "Real Housewives of Orange County." (Michael Rosenthal / Bravo)

Last night's episode attempts to answer timeless questions: Is it possible for women to find a balance between their families and their careers? How far should loyalty go in friendship? And how come what happens in Vegas never actually stays in Vegas?!?

First up, Alexis invites Gretchen over to get her opinion about her latest segment. You know -- the one we, the viewers, suffered through two weeks ago. The topic was the sexualization of children and, despite her panel of experts, Alexis dominated the discussion while showing enough cleavage to nurse a third world country. Gretchen has negative strong opinions about Alexis' performance but she also has breaking news: Fox 5 asked Gretchen to host the same segment before they asked Alexis! I thought Alexis. new nose was going to rupture at the thought.

Over on Billionaire's Row, Heather is gearing up for an audition. Didn't you know -- she's an ack-tress, dahling. Rather than learn her lines in the car on the drive to L.A., Heather spends her time giving a lengthy diatribe about how she almost hopes she doesn't get the part because then she will be able to spend more time with her family. Her feigned conflict over her life choices is her best performance to date. She wants this part so badly she can taste it, but don't worry casting agents -- you can't fire Heather -- she quits.

Alexis picks up her face after Gretchen's visit and decides there was a kernel of truth in her crap-storm of criticism -- she needs to hire a hosting coach. When Alexis presents this idea to Jim he is visibly exasperated. He told her to quit Fox 5 and raise his children. I am proud of Alexis for standing her ground. She has aspirations to be more than the inanimate trophy wife that Jim wants her to be. Time will tell if she has the talent, but her ambition is a great start.

All of Gretchen's scenes tonight were either her screeching at rehearsals or complaining that her voice is still not 100 percent after one argument with Vicki three weeks ago. I think she's been taking acting lessons from one Ms. Heather Dubrow. Despite being convinced that she is going to flop, Gretchen invites every single O.C. Housewife to her show. And to her chagrin, they all accept. We end the episode tonight with all of the O.C. ladies and their men waiting with bated breath for Gretchen to take the stage.

On to tonight's superlatives!

Most Likely To Give Advice to Sun-Tzu: Vicki

"The Art of War" has nothing to offer Vicki -- in her book, crazy beats smart every time. She claims that her new strategy toward Gretchen and Slade is "be nice, it confuses them." That sounds good in theory. Practically speaking, however, I'm pretty sure she just lost track of who's on first.

Least Likely To Advance Feminism: Tamra

This category is also known as Most Likely To Be Clubbed Over The Head By Gloria Steinem. Living by the philosophy "don't fold a thing until you get a ring," Tamra has firmly placed herself among the ranks of Archie Bunker, George Jefferson and Jim Bellino. Apparently in Tamra's eyes, marriage means you compromise yourself and start doing things you would never do otherwise. Tamra, honey -- you are working on your third marriage, maybe it's time to listen to Atlanta housewife, Kim Zolciak and recognize the ring doesn't mean a thing!

Next week we finally get to see Gretchen's performance with the Pussycat Dolls and Briana has startling news for Vicki "I Hate Surprises" Gunvalson. Who do you think will bomb the worst? Let me know in the comments below or tweet me @MutesVoice.