When we think of epic tales of love and loss in the history of drama ("Romeo and Juliet," "Anna Karenina," "Casablanca") surely one day many years from now we will look back on tonight's episode of "Jersey Shore" and add it to this canon.
After all, if a man and then a woman and then another man pursuing the elusive goal of "twinning" isn't an act of great passion and dedication then nothing is.
What is "twinning," you ask? Let's let DJ Pauly D explain it:
"Twinning. When you got twins, it's cool. You're winning, but you're twinning, because you've got two twin chicks."
But who among the "Jersey Shore" cast was noble enough to pursue this elusive goal? One man, Mike "The Situation," stepped forward.
"A threesome is not an easy task to accomplish, but then again The Situation does the impossible and I think I can get it done," he said.
Such ambition was lauded by Pauly: "If you gotta try for something, two hot twins and a threesome is worth trying for."
But then something terrible, even tragic, happened. A villain stood in the way of our hero's fearless pursuit of his dream. At the club, Deena cut in on The Situation and started making out with one of the twins.
What did the ever-wise observer Snooki have to say about this shocking turn of events?
"Deena's being lesbianic tonight."
What did Deena, herself, have to say?
"When you're drunk sometimes you kiss girls."
Fair enough, but this left Situation's plans derailed.
"It was supposed to be a ménage à twin with me and the twins. I was supposed to be twinning. And it turned into a robbery by Deena and my whole menagerie went awry," he said.
Notice the creative use of both "ménage à twin" and "menagerie."
Things took an ever stranger turn when the twin who was supposed to be romantically linked with Mike and then Deena became amorous with Vinny.
"I thought she was going to get with Mike. I thought she was going to get with Deena. I don't know who this girl is going to get with, but somehow she ends up on top of me," Vinny helpfully explained.
"That's weird though. She just jumps from bed to bed," Deena added.
Deena then pulled the twin back into her bed, causing what was dubbed a "robbery."
"Even if I pulled a robbery, you don't pull a double robbery," Vinny said.
In the end, Situation went to bed with one twin and Vinny ended up with the other.
The dream of twinning was not realized and the "Jersey Shore" cast emerged from the episode solemn and introspective.
It's always sad when a dream dies, as The Situation's did this episode. But at least the words "lesbianic," "twinning," and "ménage à twin" have now entered the American lexicon. And tonight's "twinning" episode has surely positioned itself to stand the test of time as one of the great romance stories of our generation.Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun