Ever wonder what a fairy burlesque club looks like?
It's sort-of like Moulin Rouge. But with more men in top hats and twinkly noises. And revelations about what happened to Sookie's parents.
Yup, we're back in fairyland, but it's not quite the bizarro heaven-like fairy world where Sookie lived for a year last season. Instead, fairies have set up shop in an invisible club in the middle of a field (the same field where Jessica was drawn to that man who smelled good).
I mean, if you're escaping vampires, humans and everything else, why not throw in some burlesque? It's a lot more fun than one of those pesky refugee camps.
We're brought to fairyland by Andy and Jason, who are taken to a club as a reward from a corrupt judge whose son got a slap on a wrist for that speeding ticket Andy hid.
At first, things look men — men and women dancing together! Women both interested in Andy and Jason! — but it gets weird quickly.
Jason runs into his cousin Hadley Hale, who's surprised to hear that Sookie is alive and vampires haven't eaten everyone (fairies have some inaccurate newsletters). "We've got to get to Sookie! They'll kill her, just like they did your parents," says Hadley.
Major slip, Hadley. It's always been noted that Sookie's parents died in a flood, but there's been an air of mystery to it. Don't know why vampires would kill the Stackhouses, but in a meandering episode like this one, you take any interesting surprise you can get.
Jason freaks out about the news, tears Andy away from his fairy loving (it's with that same fairy he randomly had sex with awhile back) and is kicked out by mean male fairies. They're pushed out into the field and the fairies shine their fairy hand lights at them.
Who's going to protect Sookie! Because someone (everyone!) has to! She's the golden supernatural child of Bon Temps or the world or something.
Lafayette is tired of saving Sookie, and he turns on his friend a bit this episode. Upset because Sookie told Alcide what really happened with Debbie Pelt (he says he's truly hurt since he sold so many of the peach pies Sookie made, which is one of the more ridiculous things he's ever said), he lets his Mexican black magic warlock persona take over and magically turn Sookie's car into a deathtrap.
Anyone else tired of Lafayette turning into the evil warlock? This is your legacy, dead boyfriend Jesus.
Sookie runs out of Merlotte's because she's saddened after reading the thoughts of all the customers who hate her because of what she did to Tara. The possessed car (even writing this makes me laugh inside) runs Sookie off the road and hits a pole.
Per usual with TV, Sookie knows just how to roll out of a car perfectly before she's hurt. Sure, it was going 80 mph, but Sookie's a stunt woman. Or something.
She decides to drown her sorrows at home, mixing every type of liquor in the cabinet. She also drunkenly sings "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)" with hilariously new lyrics like, "If your not into vampires!" instead of "If you like making love at midnight."
Perfect time for Alcide to walk in, fresh from telling Debbie Pelt's parents that it was Marcus Bozeman who killed Debbie and that he killed Marcus. Always covering for Sookie, Alcide.
They drink and drunkenly flirt (Sookie offers him a horrendous drink made from triple sec, amaretto and Bailey's. Kids, do not try this at home) and end up furiously making out on her couch.
I like these two together, drunk or not. Bill, however, is not pleased, as he sees the whole thing go down from outside her window. He decides that Sookie might need to help he and Eric find Russell, and I'm sure that has nothing to do with him still being in love with her.
Speaking of Bill and Eric, they're dropped off by the Authority to begin their quest to find and kill Russell. They clearly don't know what they're doing, as they end up rummaging through Fangtasia and Eric strangling Pam to see if she was the one who let Russell loose (as if Pam would do that).
It's not the homecoming Pam was looking for — and she madly tells Eric that if he doesnt want to be with her anymore than he should free her from the bonds of maker-makee.
Earlier, Pam had freed Tara from a burning suicide under the tanning bed, so Pam is not really feeling too good about maker-makee relations. Still, she has enough heart to start looking after Tara (aw, a coffin next to hers in the basement of Fangtasia), even later offering her some food (i.e.: a woman) and teaching her how to drain properly.
This draining lesson comes after Eric actually does release her. In a heartfelt scene, Eric says that he has to release her for her own protection — he's on a dangerous quest to find Russell and Russell or the Authority will likely end up killing him. Either way, he loves Pam enough not to keep her around.
"You're a maker now. Our blood will thrive. Understand?" Eric tells Pam.
It's interesting to note that now Tara is forever "blood related" to Eric. Pam even at one point tells him, "Congratulations, you're a grandfather." So weird.
Still, I can't wait to see more of Pam's lessons for Tara, who has finally mellowed out a bit and begins to accept her fate. Will she be a good vamp or a bad vamp? Will she work at Fangtasia as Pam's assistant? Will she wear more leather and make sassy Pam-esque comments?
Meanwhile, the Authority vs. Sanguinista plot line continues. Side note: "Sanguinista" may be the least-Google-friendly word of all time. Sanguinista Nora is still being tortured non-stop by Salome and Roman, who decide to give her one last chance to tell them who's in charge of the non-mainstream movement.
Nora is about to accept the True Death, until Roman threatens to kill Bill and Eric with his handy iStake app (how much would that app cost). Salome blood promises (it means something to vampires) that no harm will come to Eric and Bill if she reveals the big traitor.
We don't hear what she tells Salome, but later Roman confronts his Authority chancellors. Nobody does the whole "menacingly walk around a table" action like Christopher Meloni.
There's a traitor at the table, Roman tells them, and their rooms are being searched. I had my money on the crazy Scandinavian dude (because he's crazy and Scandinavian), but it turns out the young boy chancellor took video of himself eating a human and sent the message around the world. He whines a response, but in a truly chilling moment, Roman grabs him and stakes him.
His face covered with blood, the vicious Roman says, "You will fall in line. Am I understood?"
We also get a brief, but apparently important, plot line with Sam. He's visited by some of his old shifter friends at Merlotte's who want him to rejoin the group and run with them again. He grudgingly agrees, but when he visits the two later, he finds them shot through the head.
Werewolf retribution? But wouldn't they just eat them? Or do werewolves cover up their crimes with gunshot wounds?
And in our weekly visit to Superfluous Plot Starring Terry and Patrick, the two are on the road to visit an old comrade in South Dakota whom they suspect is the arsonist. Terry gets a serious PTSD flashback to Iraq, and we learn his patrol witnessed the murders of an entire family of civilians. Yes, that would be traumatizing.
They end up at the former Marine's house, find a basement filled with eerie drawings and photos of arson and say, "I knew that f---er was sick."
"...and armed," the guy says in the Overly Dramatic Dialogue of the Episode. He holds a gun to them.
Still don't care. But hey, at least we say nearly naked fairies dancing with each other.