Sookie, just pick one of these two already.

Sookie, just pick one of these two already. (HBO / September 3, 2011)

The Marnie/Antonia battle was over for five glorious minutes. Then, uh, not so much. Oh, you tricky "True Blood."

I've been more than ready to see Marntonia vacate Moon Goddess Emporium for good. I mean, I was worried about who would take over Louisiana's most evil witch-potion mart, naturally. But I've been waiting patiently to see things get back to (semi-) normal in Bon Temps.

There was an epic battle here, which I will summarize thusly: Antonia tries to leave Marnie's body after she levitates a knife and kills one of her minions (or, as Lafayette puts it, "Marnie just puked a bitch out.")

And yet Marnie "binds" Antonia to herself. So the battle continues. There's a fake negotiation outside between Marntonia, who brings Sookie along, and Bill and Eric. Somehow Marnie convinces Eric and Bill to commir suicide and then the madness will stop.

Really? We're supposed to believe that Eric and Bill will kill themselves for this? For Sookie? Thankfully, Pam isn't having it, so just as the two are about to go through with their suicide pact (again, really?!?), Pam launches a grenade at Moon Goddess, but it's repeled by the force-field.

Of course. Back to even more unbelievable plot development, Jesus believes he has a plan to end it all. He takes the dead girl into the bathroom, adds some spices, conjures up an anti-binding spell (or something), turns into that demon figure that's a part of his family history, and forces Antonia out of Marnie's body.

I'll let you read that previous paragraph again. Still following? Great.

The Jesus anti-binding spell (which, by the way, including licking the dead wiccan's blood and binding his own hands -- anti-binding spells are super-literal) also took out the force-field outside and extinguished the ring of fire that Marnie had set around Sookie for using her fairy-light power to end her wiccan circle that tried to get the vampires to kill themselves by walking into the force field.

Once again, sensing the ridiculousness here?

Then Bill and Eric and crew rush in, put a tidy end to Marnie's main dude, Roy (more on this later), and then Bill shoots her to death.

Are we done with Marnie? Not quite! As Jesus and Lafayette rest in bed, Lafayette sees her hovering over the bed and enter his body. The episode ends with Jesus taking on a Marnie smirk.

With now Marnie inside his body, Lafayette has had perhaps the worst season among Bon Temps denizens. First, that bad trip to Mexico were he became a medium. Secondly, he was possessed by a woman who was trying to find her dead baby. Now, Marnie is back ... inside him.

Couldn't we have just wrapped up the Marnie situation, "True Blood" writers? And we're supposed to believe that next episode the whole gang is up for some sort of wiccan festival? I've been way more than suspending my disbelief this season, but my patience is now strained.

And I haven't even got to the fairy sex.

ANDY'S GOT A NEW LADY. OR SOMETHING: Still walking back from his Vintervention, Andy Bellefleur gets an unexpected visitor. Sure, a fairy named Maurella comes out of nowhere to have sex with Andy...we'll accept that. But what as with the "swear by the light" thing before the deed? Maurella's finger lights up and then when Andy touches it, his lights up as well. Does that mean a half-fairy, half-Andy baby is on the way?

MOST BADASS SCENE: Eric rushing over to Marnie's main minion, Roy, and ripping out his heart then sucking the blood out of some ventricle. "Most badass" or "most disgusting." I think I'll go with badass.

R.I.P. MARCUS: The only other large subplot this episode? Sam and Alcide's act of retribution against Marcus, who really gives off a Charlie Manson-as-werewolf vibe. Sam and Alcide track him down at Alcide's house, where Marcus is trying to convince Debbie Pelt to leave town with him and his daughter. Sam, whom I've never bought as a badass, decides to rumble with Marcus and let's him go when he's just about to kill him.
So Alcide steps in, gets that werewolf fire in his eyes and kills Marcus anyway. Then proceeds to part ways with Debbie. "Debbie Pelt ... I hunt with you no longer. I share flesh with you no longer," he says to her. Apparently, in werewolf world, you don't just say "Let's break up."

THIS PASSES FOR ROMANCE IN 'TRUE BLOOD' LAND: "Even without your blood in me, you're all I think about" -- Jason to Jessica.

PAM HAS HER PRIORITIES STRAIGHT: "I have a mani-pedi at 4," she reminds the gang, pressing for a quick end to the battle. Later, she rips some "vintage Cartier" off of a spellbound vamp who is captured after she tries to attack to group.

BEST LINE OF THE NIGHT: "Don't go all lost-in-the-woods retarded" -- Andy, after catching himself talking to himself trying to walk home.

WORST KISSER: Maurella the fairy. Licking around Andy's lips? Yuck.

BEST DECISION: "I F---ing quit this group" -- Tara, ending a short-lived wiccan experience.