This week’s cold open is just cruel. At first, it appears that our Eric Northman is alive, holed up in a nice hotel in a Spanish-speaking country. But It becomes clear that it’s a dream as soon as Jason pops up, upset that Eric had to get so far away from him to “think.” So this is one of those sexually charged dreams humans have after drinking vampire blood? OK, got it.

It’s played for laughs, with Eric mixing Jason a martini "Cocktail"-style and asking Jason about Violet, in a tone that makes him sound like a jilted high school lover. Jason’s crazy about Violet, but he can’t get Eric out of his head. Eric’s gotten that reaction for a millennium, but it’s only the second time the feeling has been mutual. They do some shirtless wrestling that ends with two very pretty actors intensely making out on a canopy bed.

In real life, Jason is dozing on a Bon Temps church pew in broad daylight. The search for the missing folks is still on. Andy’s got no idea where to start looking for the people the H-vamps kidnapped, but Sookie does. She didn’t recognize the dead girl she tripped over last episode or any of those vampires.

Sookie thinks they may be coming from a town nearby and suggests they question some folks there. Andy thinks it’s a long shot, but Jason insists that’s all they’ve got. Sam’s been calling the feds, but the U.S. government has truly abandoned the small towns.

They find the body and luckily, she’s still got ID (LOL at Jason accidentally handing Andy a Starbucks card instead of the ID. A perfect example of why both of their characters are so awesome). The woman was from a nearby town, so Andy gives the sheriff a call. Andy and Sam can’t get in touch with any of the folks from St. Alice, so ... road trip!

The people of Bon Temps are FED. UP.  

The town is officially in shambles. Daniels suggests that Sam keep the townspeople occupied, so Sam asks them to fix up Bellefleur’s before Arlene gets back.

At Bellefleur’s, Vince takes it upon himself to try to rile up the townsfolk. Just in time, Hoyt’s mom, Maxine, finds a bunch of dead bodies in the walk-in freezer. They’re all starting to get upset because: 1) Dead bodies everywhere, 2) The town is on total meltdown and 3) Local law enforcement is in no way equipped to deal with this.

After Vince tells everyone that Sam is a shifter, it doesn’t take long for the townfolk to decide to take matters into their own hands, breaking the restaurant’s furniture into stakes, since all of the gun stores are tapped. No way this could go wrong, right?

Adilyn, who is there cleaning up with Holly’s son Wade, telepathically overhears Rosie from the police department planning to suggest a raid on the BTPD. Adilyn goes to the station to warn them about an upcoming attack.

Just as Kenya gets on board, in comes the mob, talking about their Second Amendment rights (What is “True Blood” without political allegory?). Kenya refuses, because she has common sense and knows what kind of hell would break loose if she let Bon Temps residents all have guns -- because most of them are idiots.

Karen, the vigilante played by Paula Jai Parker (!), tries to appeal to Kenya, woman-of-color-to-woman-of-color, asking pointed questions about Jason getting more work than her despite him having less experience and “a quarter of [her] IQ.”  (Hoyt’s mother pointing out that Adilyn was just a newborn last week was hilarious. More Hoyt’s Mom. Hoyt’s Mom every day.)

Kenya finally sways and grabs Adilyn to handcuff her, which is when Adilyn freaks and blasts Kenya with fairy light. Of course, the townspeople freak out and Jessica, able to sense Adilyn’s fear, begins to panic in the Bellefleur’s attic. She tries calling for help, but keeps hitting dead ends. She even calls Sookie, which gives me another opportunity to be annoyed by our main character stupidly throwing away her cell phone in the middle of a disaster.

Lettie Mae visits Lafayette

Lettie Mae, claiming to fear the way Lafayette’s side of the family is drawn to the “dark side,” takes it upon herself to check in on her nephew. He’s not thrilled, but he lets her inside.

She tells him that she and Tara made amends before her death, but she wants more. She insists that Tara came back to her while she was tripping on Willa’s blood. Lafayette thinks she wants him to tap into his medium skills, but she’s there to score some V. Of course, he refuses and she tries to guilt-trip him about having Tara turned into a vampire in the first place.

Fangtasia

The H-vamps are furious that Ronnie (the vampire that ate Kevin last episode) drastically shortened their rations. Now, they’ll have to go hunting again, which is something none of them is happy about. They also weren’t expecting the people of Bon Temps to have vampires at their barbecue.

There’s dissension in the ranks, but the leader, Jerome, decides to put Betty, a vampire who looks like a middle-aged woman, in charge of reaping, since she used to be a teacher and must have self-control. Until then, Ronnie is on sleep patrol and will eat last.

Betty goes to grab another human, but hesitates when she sees Arlene. Arlene recognizes her. Turns out, Betty taught Arlene and Holly’s kids. Arlene’s hopeful that Betty doesn’t have it in her to eat them, which the others don’t buy, but Arlene says she didn’t survive “four lousy husbands, a serial killer boyfriend and the sort-of suicide of my love, Terry, to die in a dingy basement of a f---ing vampire bar.” No arguing with that.