By Andrew Conrad, firstname.lastname@example.org
8:57 PM EST, November 20, 2011
This week's episode of "The Walking Dead" was called "Secrets," but they could have also called it "Lying" because a bunch of characters tell a bunch of lies (or withhold information, which is a form of lying).
Now, this should go without saying by this point, but if you haven't watched the episode yet, fair warning: There is about to be a Thanksgiving dinner of spoilers.
Lori lies to Rick and everyone else about being pregnant and having a relationship with Shane. Rick lies about Hershel wanting everyone to get off his farm. Shane lies about killing Otis. Hershel and Maggie lie about storing a bunch of zombies in the farm and little Carl lies about stealing a gun.
About the only characters who don't lie are kind-hearted Dale and Glenn.
Glenn, whose heart is pure and soul is gentle, is as honest as Abe Lincoln, and that honesty leads to the unraveling of everyone else's tangled web of lies.
By the end of this episode, Lori spills the beans to Rick about her pregnancy and her past relationship with Shane, and finds out that Hershel wants them to get the hell off his property. Hershel's secret barn full of zombies becomes common knowledge, Dale gets pretty close to a confession from Shane about what happened at the high school with Otis, and little Carl gets caught with a gun in his pants.
So we made some good progress this week in terms of clearing the air, but we didn't really get anywhere in terms of action, Jackson.
Prime example: They still don't have a bead on Sophia.
Shane had some mysterious intel, but all it led to was a new housing development. There are a bunch of scorched bodies in one house, and Andrea and Shane ice a bunch of walkers while making their getaway.
I was pretty confused about this part. Shane didn't seem very surprised about all those burned-up bodies. It was almost as if he knew that they were there. And he also didn't seem too surprised about all the walkers outside. Had he been there before?
Either way, it was a pretty good training mission for Andrea. It's a good thing she waited until this week to get all awesome at shooting, or else her shot last week would have hit Daryl between the eyes instead of grazing his head!
Andrea got all hot and bothered after all that shooting, and she and Shane got it on in his Hyundai on the drive back to the farm.
Oh, and despite the title of this week's episode, the survivors unfortunately didn't make a trip to the hottest night club in Ocean City, Md. It would have been neat if they went there and found zombie DJ Batman.
Biggest waste of resources
Patricia's feeding of live chickens to the zombies out in the barn. Hey Patty, why don't you just dump all of the beer down the toilet while you're at it? As if it wasn't bad enough, she also breaks their legs before sending them to their deaths. She is one sick puppy, ain't she?
Second place: Shane chucking his apple core when he catches Carl with the gun. Hey Shane, real men eat apple cores. Every time I see someone throw away an apple core I shudder. It gets all brown and rotten and stinky in your plastic wastebasket at work, when it could be nourishing you in your belly. I don't blame people for getting rid of the stems, those are way too tough to chew up, but once you get used to eating the apple core — even the seeds — it's really not that bad. And no, apple trees will not grow in your stomach. Grow up...
Most misguided, ignorant a$$hole
Hershel. Every time he opens his dumb, stupid wrinkly lips I want to reach out through my TV and smack the taste out of his mouth. He's really sticking to his guns on his get-off-of-my-preoperty stance. Well I got news for you, Hersh, in case you haven't noticed, there are zombies everywhere and it doesn't matter if this is your farm. No one owns anything anymore and if you keep this up you're liable to suffer some comeuppance. I don't know if Rick is the right man for the job ("The best thing right now is to give Hershel some space," he says.) but that loose cannon Shane could probably take care of business. Wouldn't it be great if they threw Hershel in there with his former family members and neighbors and they ate him!? Wouldn't that be just desserts! The bottom line is that he can ask them to leave all they want, but how is he going to make them leave?
And his stupid idea to keep all his dead friends and neighbors in the barn? Come on dude. I know he's pious and holier than thou and all that, and he thinks they're just "sick," but it doesn't take Louis Pasteur to realize that there's no healing these people. Their faces are starting to fall off and stuff. Like, what are you going to do, heal them with some vaccine and then put a bunch of Maybelline and Cover Girl on them and they're going to be ready to go have Sunday supper at Old Country Buffet again? Give me a break.
Biggest fan of meat
Dale. He fries up some scrumptious Spam patties and reminisces about his wife: "She was a meat eating gal, my wife."
Best candidate for an eyebrow trimming
Dale. Those close up shots of his face when he was getting into with Shane really showed just how wild those hedges have gotten. Here's a tip Dale: take a brush and brush them up, then hold a comb up against the main part of your eyebrow. Then run a trimmer along the top of the comb and you'll be good to go.
Worst treatment of a tent
Daryl. He's just laying there puncturing the screen window of the tent with one of his crossbow arrows. Look Daryl, your crossbow is cool, the arrows are cool, and you're cool, but damaging good camping equipment is not cool. A lot of camping companies have really good warranties, but in this case you're not going to be able to walk into REI and be like, "Hey, I was bored while I was recovering after someone accidentally shot me in the head so I started punching holes in the side of this tent. Can I get a new one?" Just don't come crying to me when you've got skeeters biting your neck and face all through the night.
Lori and Glenn when he agrees to make a run into town. She really gives him a good squeeze. I guess it runs in the family.
Second place: Andrea's hand, Shane's crotch.
Grimmest world view from a bright-eyed youth
Little Carl, who imagines that the momma chicken in the barnyard got eaten and sums up his outlook on life with the statement that "Everything is food for something else..."
By next week he'll be wearing eyeliner and listening to "Hawthorne Heights"
Worst secret keeper
Glenn. You might as well rent a billboard and put your secret on there, or tell your secret to a parrot. He gets so nervous when he knows a secret that he can't even play poker!
T-Dog: "What's up?"
Glenn: "What's up? Nothing's up, why?"
That boy has no guile.
Lamest get well gift
Andrea brings Daryl a book called "The Case of the Missing Man" by Jimmie Herron (is that even a real book? It's not online anywhere...), which was presumably just sitting there in Dale's RV anyway.
Andrea: "Sorry I shot you in the head, here's a ratty paperback to make it all better."
Daryl: "Thanks ... for NOTHIN'!"
Best gun instructor
Shane. What can you say? He's simply the best. He sleeps with his students, he ties that log to a rope and swings it back and forth to create a moving target, he gets a ringing endorsement from Rick, he goads and badgers Andrea to help her focus and when a zombie is bearing down on her, he lets her handle it instead of babying her. He's like the John Keating of zombie apocalypse gun training.
Second place: T-Dog. When he sees Jimmy holding the gun sideways like DMX in "Exit Wounds" he's like, "Come on man, don't give me that gangster sh!t!"
The light green compact SUV that Shane and Andrea boff in. It's not very manly though. It looks like a car for that ramen-noodle-every-night-budget girl from the State Farm car insurance commercial.
Most loyal hoss
Nervous Nellie, who not only found her way home, but walked back into her stall!
That's what she said!
Shane to Andrea: "How's it feel?" Andrea: "I like the weight."
That's what she said! Well, it is what she said.
Second place: Shane. "I can be whistlin' Dixie and I always hit the target." That's what he said.Creepiest zombie
Best zombie kill
Pharmacy. Maggie and that walker get in a fight over the last bottle of muscle relaxants, and then Glenn swings a shelf at its neck, nearly decapitating it. But it's not dead yet, and Glenn finishes the job with a bunch of Gerber machete strikes! I think he was taking out some rage on it because he was hoping that maybe they could bump uglies in the parmacy again before it interrupted them.
Zombies: By my count 12 (the pharmacy kill, plus 11 during Andrea and Shane's training mission in the housing development) for a total of 44 on the season.
Humans: One, Otis. Sophia is still missing.
What did Jenner whisper to Rick? What has become of Merle Dixon, Sophia and the father-son team of Morgan and Duane Jones? Why does Hershel have all those zombies in the barn? (Answered! Because he thinks they're just sick. He probably also thinks the earth is flat and you could sail a boat off the side of the ocean.)
A look ahead to next week's episode, "Pretty Much Dead Already"
The secret about the barn being full of zombies gets out, and then Shane seems determined to take action. Hershel tells Rick that they can't stay on his farm, but Rick won't take no for an answer. Who do you think the title of the episode refers to? Maybe Sophia?
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