Remember all that voting you did this week?
I’m not talking about the election; I’m talking about “The Voice.” Well, we got to see the results tonight, and I have to say, I’m a little disappointed in you, America.
A results show means a lot of filler, but I’m gonna cut straight to the chase here because I’m angry. The deal was this, America: You got to save two people on each team, while Adam Levine, Cee Lo Green, Christina Aguilera and Blake Shelton got to save one.
Saved by America: Amanda Brown and Bryan Keith
Saved by Adam: Melanie Martinez
Eliminated: Loren Allred, Joselyn Rivera
In this case, it’s Adam I’m mad at — you’re good for now, America. (And trust me, it’s hard to be mad at Adam while he’s wearing that cardigan and those remarkably tight jeans.) Really, Melanie was probably the best choice — her rendition of “Hit the Road, Jack” Monday was weird and sultry and jazzy and almost cool, but I’m angry at Adam’s predictability in saving her.
Saved by America: Terry McDermott and Cassadee Pope
Saved by Blake: Michaela Paige
Eliminated: Liz Davis, Julio Cesar Castillo
Blake, too, was so predictable it was boring. Of course he’s going with Michaela; he loves this little girl — it used to be annoying, but now it’s a little cute. Besides, her faux-hawk is less overwhelming when it is demurely coiffed! But Cassadee Pope? I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, AMERICA. This is step backward for us — there’s a reason emo fell out of style (and I’m allowed to say that, I still have a studded belt somewhere and Warped Tour ticket stubs to back up my cred). Forward, guys. Forward.
Saved by America: Dez Duron and Sylvia Yacoub
Saved by Christina: Adriana Louise
Eliminated: De’Borah, Devyn DeLoera
Shame on you, America. In a perfect world, you would have saved Dez and De’Borah, and Christina would have saved Sylvia, because she’s pretty cool. But NO. You sent home the coolest lady who ever stepped foot on that stage, and my anger toward you is only rivaled by my anger for Christina right now. And then Adriana started hyperventilating and crying from joy and had to basically get carried off the stage by Dez and Sylvia. Here’s a tip: never sob with a microphone on. It’s unseemly. And still, I cannot tell Adriana apart from Devyn, so here’s another thought: diversify your team, Christina.
Then Christina started talking about how even though she didn’t win a talent show when she was younger, that didn’t stop her. And America, I know you all paused with confusion as I did, because no one remembers “Star Search.” No one.
But seriously, America, good job with Dez because …. well, for obvious reasons: thank you.
Team Cee Lo
Saved by America: Trevin Hunte and Nicholas David
Saved by Cee Lo: Cody Belew
Eliminated: Diego Val, MacKenzie Bourg
America, you’re exhausting me. Why could you not save MacKenzie? Why? There are only three things more adorable than MacKenzie: puppies whose best friends are kittens, baby elephants, and the Abominable Snowman from the clay-mation “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” And on top of all that adorableness, the kid can sing.
The coaches were right after Wednesday’s performance of “That’s What Makes You Beautiful,” because they wanted to see something showing more depth and vulnerability on MacKenzie’s part. And now we’ll never get to see that, America. I hope you’re happy.
But thanks for getting rid of Diego, and Nicholas is pretty awesome, so I think I’ll forgive you in time.
Told ya, there was a lot of it. Team Adam and Team Blake paired up for an opening performance of “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” and NOTHING will ever make me hate this song. Not even Melanie.
Later, Team Cee Lo and Team Christina sang “Drive By” by Train, and we were reminded that Train exists. But, the song opened up with what I’m called the parade of goodness, with featured vocals from MacKenzie, followed by Cody, then Dez … then Diego, who slid down some slide — seriously, set design, stop being clichéd — and I lost interest.
Adam also took the stage with Maroon 5 to debut a new single, “Daylight” which I think is supposed to be sexy, wistful and romantic, but I just kind of found it arrogant and depressing. I know he’s singing about holding his lady all night, loving her passionately, but “in the daylight, I’ll be out the door.” Jerk move. Don’t care how upfront you are about it.
And finally, the last thing to note about the night was a performance from last season’s winner, Jermaine Paul, and for a second, I thought he was singing that song from The Wanted (“I’m Glad You Came”), that’s how similar the beats were. That’s really all I can contribute on this front, because while I hate to be this person, but upbeat anthems that are positive for positivity’s sake are mostly lost on me.
And I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up Cee Lo’s outfit. Like Buddha’s pajamas, if Buddha wore jammies. But it paled in comparison to Wednesday night’s Patriotic Hipster Grandmother crocheted red-white-blue shawl. God Bless America.