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'The Real Housewives of Orange County' recap: Rumble in the jungle

By Stephanie Region

9:44 AM EDT, May 30, 2012

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Last week’s episode was all about shock and awe: Brooks said something that made sense and Tamra did something admirable. Tonight’s episode is filled with mock and "Awww, no she didn’t!"

We open with Tamra fessing up to Her Highness Heather (HHH) and her hubby Terry admitting that she threw Terry (and by association, Heather) under the bus with Alexis last week. If Tamra had any kind of track record of behaving like a normal person, I would give her mad props for her honesty, but it’s not that kind of party. This is clearly a ploy by Tamra to align herself with whomever she believes is more successful and has more power and Tamra is willing to be subservient in order to meet that goal. Let’s not forget, Tamra is still trying to sell Heather a multi-million dollar house.

HHH is visibly upset — you can tell because she squints her eyes really hard (as the wife of a plastic surgeon, she has no fear of crow’s feet) — but she decides to show mercy on the lowly Tamra telling her she forgives her. I can understand Heather taking up for her man, but the fact is, if Terry wants to insert himself into the conversations and render pointed opinions sotto voce (and on television!), then he should expect to be quoted here and there.

Heather, no matter how much better she thinks she is than everyone else knows she needs to bring some drama if she wants Andy Cohen (the real Queen Bee) to sign her for another season. To that end, Heather turns Tamra’s lackluster confession into a dubious plan for a fake intervention for Alexis. She means an intervention about Alexis being fake, but I mean a fake intervention. Last I checked, real interventions are given for and by people who deeply care about one another.

I don’t know about you, but watching a Housewife pack for a trip is my idea of hell. It doesn’t matter where they are going or for how long, and it doesn’t even matter if I like their personality, for some reason a Louis Vuitton suitcase turns them all into unbearable fools. All the ladies need “help” to pack — Alexis and Heather recruit friends and Gretchen has ol’ reliable, Slave Slade. Gretchen is usually one of my favorites, but she lost her mind while packing. Slade genuinely tried to help and she played the part of petulant child. It was heinous and she should be ashamed.

Speaking of heinous, how about the mouth on Vicki in Costa Rica?! Ms. “Don’t Say That!” started an X-rated alphabet car game and somehow got away with saying words on television that I can’t print in this recap and that even Tamra, aka Ms. “I’ll Say Anything!” wouldn’t say. Don’t worry, not even ten minutes later on the zipline platform, Vicki uses her trademark “Don’t say that” when Tamra calls Vicki a hypocrite. Tamra has some huge ______s (starts with a ‘B’) talking to Vicki like that. But then again, she has Heather on her side now.

After some fairly fun, mildly inappropriate flirting with the zipline operators, the ladies wind down with a nice dinner. And here is where it goes down. It seems that Tamra removed her breast implants in order to make more room for daggers to throw at everyone. Alexis called it right when she says Tamra wrote the book on mean and hateful. Nevertheless, the “aww, no she didn’t!” begins and the ladies launch into everything that is wrong with Alexis. Some is true, some is exaggerated and some is false, but all of it is unnecessary. If you don’t like her, don’t hang out with her. And, as a wise man once said, if she wants to be dumb, let her be dumb.

It would be difficult to truly sum up this episode as the mock and aww continues next week, but the zipline adventure was appropriate. There are a lot of lines the ladies should lose (Heather: “Oh dear”; Vicki: “Love tank”; Gretchen: “Right now.” As in “Are you kidding me right now?” and “You’re making me so mad right now!”) but every once in awhile there are lines that you want to swing on and celebrate. Tonight, Vicki had that line. Commenting on Tamra wearing a plastic bag when it started to rain, Vicki said, “If the trash bag fits, wear it.” Yup.

What lines do you wish the ladies would lose? Which lines do you want to celebrate? Let me know in the comments below and be sure to follow me on Twitter @MutesVoice.