'The Real Housewives of Orange County'

Gretchen! (Bravo)

When last we left them, the O.C. ladies were knee-deep in hairspray, legwarmers and inappropriate lace at Bunco. Bravo gave us the okey-doke with a snoozer of an episode, but all is forgiven with the epic blowout that ensues tonight! After inviting the drama and then stirring it up, Tamra is so elated that she declares “I think I need to eat some carbs!” so you know it must have been some kind of party!

We open with the dudes lookin’ like ladies: Househusbands Slade, Eddie and Terry show up at the Bunco party in full-out wigs and spandex! Turns out Terry’s late brother was the lead singer of Quiet Riot. Small world, this California.

If you think Slade has major marbles showing his face at this party after his Improv performance, then you are in for a treat: That was just the beginning! Slade actually has the nerve to start in with Ricky. (Slade’s mullet got in the way, and he mistook Ricky for Vicki. But don’t worry – he gets to Vicki in short order.) At one point in his tirade, Slade refers to Vicki derisively as “this” and that, my friends, is when the ish hit the fan. Under the weight of Slade’s accusations, Vicki “exits stage left” but comes right back in for more. And Gretchen is just the one to serve it up. She calls Vicki out for accusing Slade of being a deadbeat dad when she is dating a man who has been jailed for not supporting his children. After screaming a lame defense to this, Vicki leaves the party for good this time.

While she will later explain to Vicki she was “in a fog” at this point of the party, Tamra does see clearly enough to call Alexis out for her “medically necessary – yeah, right” nose job. Honestly, I don’t see why everyone keeps getting on Alexis about this. I mean – I know why I get on her about it, but I live in Baltimore. These chicks live in Orange County – instead of ridiculing her, shouldn’t they be checking to see what gifts Alexis registered for on Rodeo Drive for her “new nose” shower?! Speaking of the nose job heard ‘round the world, in this episode we get the pleasure of watching Alexis check in for rhinoplasty and check out of reality. Can we get this anesthesia to go?

Tonight’s superlatives are all about hair bands and headbands:

The Milli Vanilli Award for Authenticity: Heather

Blame it on the rain or blame it on the Botox, but the perma-shocked expression that Heather wears in every episode is wearing thin.  She acts so surprised at the drama and the arguments. C’mon Heather – it’s Real Housewives! You knew what you were signing up for – drop the feigned astonishment and get on board or get out!

Toto-ly Off Base: Vicki

When her hypocrisy is laid out to her in no uncertain terms, Vicki’s response is that Gretchen will understand “when a baby comes out of her vagina.” In addition to this statement being a just a tad too gross clinical, it is also inaccurate. You don’t have to be a mother or an obstetrician to know that Vicki is dead wrong on this one. Either ease up on Slade or bring the hammer down on Brooks. You can’t have it both ways, Vick.

Toto-ly On Point: Gretchen

I am as skeptical of her judgment (as evidenced by her new friendship with Tamra) as anyone else, but Gretchen held it down this episode. She called everything like she saw it and she was right about it all – from Vicki’s hypocrisy to Alexis’ histrionics, she never wavered. Keep on keepin’ on, Gretch!

Best Delivery of a Huey Lewis and the Newsflash: Briana

“Nothing is ever about me or anybody else when it comes to my mom – it always ends up being about her.” From the mouths of babes …

Do you have ‘80’s PTSD? Me, too. Let’s talk it out in the comments below and be sure to follow me on Twitter @MutesVoice.