The claws were out and ready to stab hearts, backs and everything in-between during tonight’s "The Real Housewives of Miami" reunion finale!
We pick up right where we left off Monday, with Joanna cracking up in her dressing room as her makeup artist calls Lisa a whore, cheap, untalented and broke. The guy seriously looks like Danny DeVito, though, so I don’t know.
Lisa comesw back and she and Joanna immediately get into it. Lisa starts airing all of Joanna’s dirty laundry: her jewelry was on loan all season, she has heard Joanna was a hooker. Adriana chimes in that she, too, has heard Joanna was a European escort. She even alleges that Joanna’s L.A. home isn’t under her name and that maybe ("Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" cast member Yolanda Foster’s ex husband) Mohammad might be the real owner
Andy asks Joanna to just say what she was suggesting Lisa did at her wedding, but Joanna just keeps saying she won’t do that. Lisa gets angrier and angrier, even saying numerous times that she is completely done with Joanna because it is obvious that Joanna is miserable with her life and is so jealous that Lisa is very happy. She says this could be the only reason why Joanna would make such low digs, including insulting Lisa’s infertility on several occasions.
It’s clear that this relationship will be VERY different from here on.
Marysol comes into the reunion looking half mermaid and half drag queen. Seriously, these women must be having the drag community of Miami doing their faces; it’s the only explanation. It’s hard enough talking through all that plastic surgery, but with all that makeup caked on, too? Forget about it.
I’ve said countless times this season that Marysol is clinging. She’s clinging to a show that didn’t invite her back this year and a show that maybe only kept her in this capacity because her mom is a fan fave. When asked to describe Marysol in one word in my interview with her this past summer, Joanna used the word “boring.”
Marysol might actually be the funniest woman on the show, but she showed desperation again tonight, bringing out her iPad to show videotape of her father, sick in a hospital bed, stating that Lea Black lied about attempting to reach out to Mama Elsa. Come on, Marysol. You’re better than that!
I realized something really revealing tonight. Adrianna was defaming Romain, claiming that he’s gay and limp. Alexia was slandering Lisa, calling her a racist for referring to the Cuban ladies as a “gang.” What I realized is, these people really want to tear each others’ names and brands DOWN!
You don’t just make these accusations and then they disappear, that stuff lingers. I know these women get that. Even I referred to Alexia and Co. as the “Cuban Mean Girls,” and said they ganged up on people. Maybe I’m better with words than Lisa: anyone else see that part where Lisa couldn’t get out the word “ethnicity,” so after a few failed attempts replaced it with “heritage?” How very Porky-Pig of her. And no, Lisa, I’m not calling you fat.
All of a sudden, Joanna screams out that her husband has a big -- well, you know -- and says Frederic's (that would be Adriana's husband) is as big as her pinky. As mature as all of this got to be for about six minutes, you’re probably better off not experiencing it.
At the end, Andy asks all of the ladies to end with a piece of positivity. If you call a condescending, back-handed compliment a piece of positivity, then all of the women passed with flying colors!
This ends my journey through season 3 of "The Real Housewives of Miami." It has been an absolute blast being so involved with a real-life soap opera where tweets are real time and I’ve been in the center of the ring. I thank all of you for following me and hope that you will continue to follow "Glee" for the rest of the season!
While I’ll miss our shared cups of coffee on Tuesday mornings, I’ll still be here waiting for you every Friday. :-)