The Real Housewives of Miami - Season 3

Roman Zago (left) and Joanna Krupa. (Thomas Baynard / Bravo / June 12, 2013)

THEY’RE FINALLY MARRIED!

After six long, tumultuous years, Joanna and Romain have finally said “I do.” The wedding was absolutely gorgeous and Joanna has never looked more flawless than she did in the gown she designed herself... But that’s not how this episode started.

Oh no. In  what I would personally consider a bold move, Bravo aired an episode of RHOM on Sunday night as a lead-in to Joanna’s big day. The episode focused on Joanna’s bachelorette party in Las Vegas, which would probably just have been censored by my editors anyway, so I suppose it’s best to focus on the here and now. However, it is important to start this blog off as visually as I can for you...

Feather boas floating in an infinity pool. Blow-up dolls lying on the floor. Lisa passed out behind the bar in her sunglasses and feather boa, clinging for dear life to a bottle of Absolut vodka. This, folks, is where we find our protagonists at the start of tonight’s episode.

Joanna made things explicitly clear that they needed to board an 8 a.m. flight to San Diego the next morning, to be on time for her rehearsal dinner. But it’s after 11 and Joanna is just popping up in her huge bed in their suite. They’ve missed their flight and the hotel concierge has informed Lea that there are no more flights to San Diego until the evening.

Rewind to the night before...  The ladies are at a pool bar at the Palms, the hotel in which they were staying. (Anyone else think Joanna dropped a call to recently axed Housewife Adrienne Maloof?) While Lea clings to the umbrella of their cabana as if it were a security blanket, Lisa is administering herself copious shots of vodka, because it’s a little too early for tequila.

It’s at this point that a little person named 5 Cent grinds on Lea and Lisa says the key phrase that made this season for me: “Yes Lea! Get it! She’s twerkin’ for a Birkin!”

I died.

Adriana and Joanna seem to be getting really close! From swimming topless in the pool together to swatting at a piñata DEFINITELY made for a bachelorette party, these two really seem to be hitting it off!

There’s a stripper-part-bus that happens next, where Lisa is showing some first-class pole-dancing moves and Audriana is sitting on her friends’ faces. As I said before, if I went into great detail, this article would have to be covered by plastic wrap. At the end of the hard night of drinking, Lisa and Alexia get into a bickering match. Lisa lashes out at Alexia, saying that she has no personality, that she’s old and even going so far as saying she’s afraid of her husband.

See why they missed their flights now?

Now we’re back to where the ladies have woken up three hours after their flights left and have been told there are no more flights. Lea must rent a car and make the trek from Vegas to San Diego in order to save the day.

The trip is not sans challenges, though. At one point, they’re parked in the dessert while Lisa  throws up and Adriana squats in a nearby bush, while Joanna explains to her fiancé that she and her friends got drunk and missed their flight.

I’m sure that’s exactly what he wants to hear, sweetie.

Miraculously, though, they arrive on time for the rehearsal dinner and we finally see Marta... who seems so awkward and just genuinely not happy to be there to me. Whatever. Go back to Pittsburgh.

Lisa and Alexia make up and Alexia shares something the likes of which you never hear on these shows: “When the argument is stupid, it’s easy to move on.” I think, sometimes, the ladies of Miami are the smartest chicas on Bravo.

Adriana makes monumental moves as she approaches Joanna’s mother to apologize for retweeting ("Girls Gone Wild" founder) Joe Francis’ tweet about Joanna being a hooker.

Lisa tells Lea in confidence that she and Lenny have finally found a surrogate, even though we find out in her update in the very end that the surrogate didn’t work out. After seeing Lisa go cray cray in the last two episodes, I’m not sure an infant is exactly what she needs.

Lea invites the ladies for a spa date, but only Adriana shows up. They chat and even though Adriana is crying and really upset that she’s hurt her one-time best friend, Lea is showing all the signs of an Ice Queen by saying that she needs to learn from this and move on. Maybe this is why Lea Black is such a fantastic business woman?

The wedding is gorgeous! Joanna looks incredible and her bridesmaids pulled off the Tiffany blue like no other group I’ve ever seen.

Joanna mentions that there were over 30,000 flowers in the ceremony; they, along with the catwalk across the pool, make an incredible backdrop for this fairy-tale wedding. The women all look beautiful and end the episode with peace and love shared.

This, however, is exactly how last season ended in Bimini. It’s my guess that my interview with Joanna Krupa back in July stirred up some drama that we’ll see take place in the next couple of weeks during the reunion shows.

It’s been a fantastic season of sharing with all of you! Stay tuned as things get very real next week!