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'The Real Housewives of Miami' recap, 'Mama Elsa Comes Home'

By Derek Chavis

For The Baltimore Sun

9:49 AM EDT, October 1, 2013

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I’m just going to say it, I’m not very happy with Bravo right now.

Tonight’s episode of "Real Housewives of Miami" really down-played some important, long-standing story lines. In fact, the only one I’d say they did any justice to was Mama Elsa’s. I really enjoyed her interactions with Marysol tonight, because I thought they rang true to who she was, head injury or not. She was a little more out of it than usual, and I wasn’t sure whether it was OK to laugh or not at some points, but all-in-all she seems to be recovering very well, which made me happy!

Believe it or not, all of my favorite moments from tonight’s episode involve Marysol. You may read my blogs week-to-week and think I hold some sort of distain for Marysol, but that isn’t the case. I simply find it weird and confusing that she seems to have more camera time this season in the “Friend of Housewife” role than she did last season as a full-fledged cast member.

We get to meet Mr. Patton, Mama Elsa’s ex-husband and Marysol’s father. The way Marysol described her parents when they were together was absolutely hilarious! M has a way with sarcasm that definitely makes me laugh.

When introducing her father, Marysol refers to him as a “yachtsman from Connecticut that didn’t bother to learn any Spanish when he married Elsa.” At first I didn’t understand what she said when she said the word “yachtsman.” I thought that might have been the word she used but found myself rewinding over and over again until I finally just tweeted her and asked if that’s the word she used. She responded “yes” very quickly, so I want to thank her for that. Thanks, M!

Mr. Patton was married to Elsa for 50 long years before they divorced! Marysol says Elsa loved when Mr. Patton would leave for business trips,  claiming “The gringo is gone so now I can have some fun!” We also get to see pictures of Mama Elsa before the botched surgery(ies) and Dear Lord was she a knockout? I hope that plastic surgeon is rotting away somewhere.

Alexia’s storyline develops pretty well as her son, Peter, goes to dinner with Alexia’s psychiatrist mother and talks about some of the issues he’s been feeling. He says that learning the truth about who his father was, mixed with his younger brother’s terrible accident, was the main reason behind his feeling “crazy.”

Alexia takes Peter to a place special to their relationship -- the ballpark where Frankie grew up playing baseball. Alexia brings out his old tee-ball jersey and breaks down her self-created walls. She opens up about how much she loved his father but that she was then isolated by her family, and about the difficult position she was in, being in love with a man who wasn’t a good person. She al;so talks about having a three-month-old child and not getting having any support, with her husband in jail and she being estranged from her own family because of that.

There are lots of tears shed and Peter seems to get a better idea of where his mother is coming from, and of her hopes for him to have an-über successful future.

Now we get to the part that really made me mad. A two-season feud is being brushed under the rug in some lame way, as Adriana and Joanna agree to a truce over O.J. Joanna and Romain wait for Adriana and Frederic to arrive so they can chat about moving on with their relationships. When Adriana and Frederic are 51 minutes late to the meeting, the viewers are led to believe something’s about to go down...

But this was literally the most anti-climactic reconciliation ever. I despise when things are built up over a season or multiple seasons just to be like *poof* gone. Hopefully there will be some more developments here over the last couple of weeks of the season.

Joanna and Romain visit the sex therapist, this time together. The class act that is Joanna Krupa states matter-of-factly, “If a guy really wants it, he’s gonna just find a hole and put it in.”

The therapist tells them that they need to schedule their sex and maybe throw in some role playing to keep things interesting. Interesting is an understatement when it comes to their role-play session. Joanna becomes Natalia, a fierce-bitch-ballerina from Russia with a black bob and heavy eye makeup. Romain is Chuck, a pilot who has “gotten it on as he’s taking off in his private jet.” They “meet” at a bar, go back to his room, strip to their skivvies and have the most awkward interactions on network television. Seriously, folks, words can’t describe it well enough. I’m also pretty sure Joanna has officially shown all of us viewers her special place. Catch the re-run if you want to see what I mean.

Adriana has Marysol throw her a bachelorette party where Alexia, Lisa and Lauren are in attendance. Only, it’s pretty lame. They’re sitting on a couch eating finger foods and sipping champagne. That’s cool for, like, a Tuesday night -- NOT your bachelorette party! Lisa even equates the situation with “being in a library.”

Just when you think the party is going to be a snooze-fest, Adriana decides to burn the wedding dress she got when she was supposed to marry Frederic those five years ago. With it, she is burning indecision and wants a clean start.

Also in the episode, Lenny Hochstein gets liposuction around his “spare tire” and Lea Black is nowhere to be seen. And I’m pretty sure that was OK with viewers.