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'The Real Housewives of Miami' recap, 'La La Land'

FamilyMarriageWeddingsJazz (Music Genre)Lea BlackBravo (tv network)

I'd like to start today's blog by saying one thing, YAY! NO MARYSOL! WOO HOO! Excuse me, I mean, on tonight's episode of "Real Housewives of Miami" we get a sneak peek at the bicoastal lifestyle, as we follow Lea and Lisa while they accompany Joanna on her quest to finish up the loose ends of her wedding in Los Angeles. It's a fun and all-around-drama-free episode as we explore both coasts, enjoy awkward conversations with Joanna's Polish mother and learn how to get a Birkin bag from Hermes. Also, there's no Marysol. I wasn't sure if you got the memo.

We spend a lot of tonight's episode in Los Angeles completing Joanna's task list for her upcoming wedding. We get to see her absolutely gorgeous L.A. home and meet her business partner in her animal rescue. Some hints are dropped as to what we can expect from her wedding dress, we meet her "real" L.A. friends, including Havana Brown, who sings one of my favorite songs of 2011, "We Run the Night." Seriously, folks, I've been listening to/singing it for the last two hours. She finally asks Lisa to be a bridesmaid, but not without delivering an ultimatum; "If you're Adriana's bridesmaid, you can't be mine." This writer thinks that's a pretty harsh (and maybe somewhat tacky) gesture, but I understand that she has a very strong opinion of Adriana. After all, Adriana is the woman who gave Joanna the slap heard 'round the world last year at Lisa's lingerie party. She's obviously not going to love the chick.

Joanna's mom is ultimately the person who attempts to talk some sense into the upcoming bride's head, and Jo says she's "going to have to think about it." Think hard, Joanna. While in L.A., we also get a peek into Lea's left-coast home and we find out that the modern, stylish, Hollywood Hills chateau couldn't be any more different from the home she has in Miami. Also, anyone else catch that Britney name-drop when she was giving Lisa a tour of neighbors? I was quite happy. There are times in this fun storyline where I feel bad for Lisa. You all know that's my girl ... So when I feel like she's getting ganged up on, I feel personally betrayed for some reason. From Joanna stating "For once in your life, you're in a difficult position" to Lisa as she delivers the ultimatum, to Lea shooting her down at the dinner table stating "It's not always about you, I know you don't get that," I wanted to personally tell those chicks off. From what I see, Lea and Joanna have been jaded by Adriana's actions and therefore have personal vendettas against her. I don't think I like Adriana either, but let's let Lisa like who she likes, shall we?

Speaking of the "Draconian" devil, we see Adriana for a hot second (sans Marysol... are you feeling my excitement yet?) as she is walking through her Versailles-like wedding venue. She explains that the wedding will be black-tie, but the guests will be expected to change to a "Great Gatsby"-era outfit for the reception. D-I-V-A. I don't think that I, personally, have attended a wedding where there was a required costume change. But I'm down. Who wants to invite me to one? Juxtaposed to this, we see Joanna's wedding venue. Bravo does such great dueling story lines, right? Those editors are on point! Adriana's wedding is your not-so-typical hyper-classical wedding from a place back in time. Joanna's wedding is at a gorgeous, outdoor Beverly Hills location with views to die for and a catwalk over a pool -- which every person in the party must strut down. I'm SERIOUSLY looking forward to this episode, people.

Aside from all this wedding drama, we also follow Alexia around quite a bit. Well, Alexia and her troubled son, Peter. If you'll recall, Peter is the result of Alexia's first marriage to ex-convict Pedro Luis Rosello. We find out through family discussions with Peter, Alexia and Alexia's psychiatrist-mom that Peter is angry with his mother for keeping the identity of his father a secret for so long. Alexia contests that she did it because she thought it was best that he didn't know the things about his father that the rest of the world knew. To this, Peter asks his mother why she wouldn't want him to know that his father was "a pimp" and "awesome." See, earlier in the episode, Alexia was doing a cover shoot for her magazine, "Venue," in the streets of Miami. After a cab driver refused to move from their shot and followed that up with a middle finger, Peter went nuts and jump kicked the cab. This put Alexia into a frenzy with both the police and in her interviews. I seriously feel so bad for her, Peter seems like he flirts with the line of protecting those he loves and being completely irrational.

To end our time together, I think it is imperative to give you all the deets to own you're very own Hermes Birkin bag from Professors Lea Black and Lisa Hochstein. I think it is only appropriate to start with the quote "Diamonds and Birkins are something every girl should invest in." Our professors then give us the steps necessary to be members of this prestigious club. So, if you have $30,000, listen up.

1. Be rich.
2. Become preferred shoppers in Hermes.
3. Be elite.
4. Have Lea Black make a call for you.

Follow these simple tasks and you're in! Hopefully I've been able to instill some culture in you all: duel coast trips, lavish wedding sneak peeks and Birkin bags. Did you all catch that epic "RHOM" midseason trailer? If not, enjoy. Enjoy your week; and just remember, you didn't have to see Marysol tonight. You're welcome.

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FamilyMarriageWeddingsJazz (Music Genre)Lea BlackBravo (tv network)
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