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'The Real Housewives of Miami' recap: 'Birkin Buddies'

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Sex, sex, SEX! That’s all the Real Housewives of Miami seem to talk about!

I think that, collectively (even including Lea), this is the youngest cast of the franchise, and they are in the American city that apparently personifies sex. So maybe that’s why we’re getting so much of it every week.

Let's start off by noting that much of what is discussed this week -- including a squirm-inducing dialogue on the merits of oral sex -- is not appropriate for a family news blog. But here's some of the tamer stuff...

Joanna has taken Dr. Lisa’s advice and then some by putting sex on the calendar every day for she and Romain to enjoy. In case you don’t remember, Dr. Lisa is Joanna and Romain’s sex therapist and told them that for their homework, they were to set aside one day a week for scheduled sex. Joanna claims that she has made every day sex day because she has always been an A student. You little minx.

Lisa comes over to Joanna’s home for sushi and a bottle of wine. Lisa suggests that maybe Joanna should slip on some porno and spike Romain’s coffee with some Viagra. When Romain comes down to check on them, the ladies are three bottles in and Lisa is helping Joanna reenact what should be going on in the bedroom on a normal basis in front of Romain... Yeah, it was pretty awkward.

During the sex therapy visit with Joanna and Romain, we learn a bit more about Romain’s childhood -- and it completely explains (to me at least) his lack of a sex drive.

Joanna says that she’s fiercely independent because her parents came to the United States from Poland with almost no money in their pockets, and had to work hard for everything. Romain, however, is the product of a divorce at the age of 8 months. When asked if he had a female figure in his life, like a step-mother or anything, he responds that he had two step-mothers.

The first one sounds absolutely horrible. He says that she would beat him senseless often, and one time made his brother eat regurgitated food so as not to waste it. He describes her as mentally and physically abusive and states that when he first met Joanna, she was like a princess. Lately, however, she’s become incredibly dominating and has him feeling high pressure 24/7. That is not a healthy aspect to any relationship.

Once Romain lets his guard down, Joanna sees that she’s going about her sex all wrong, so we’ll see. Also, Joanna FINALLY asks Lisa to be a bridesmaid! Let’s check in to see how Adrianna feels about that a little later...

It’s Alexia’s birthday! Marysol stops by Alexia’s office to wish her a happy birthday and the ladies enlighten viewers on Adriana’s absolutely ridiculous wedding E-VITE. Yes, folks. I said E-VITE. It seems as though the ever-so-classy Adriana has managed to outclass herself by sending her wedding invites via an e-vite. What’s that you say? There’s a reason for it? Whatever could that reason be? Wait, why? You say it looks more like a legal document than a wedding invitation? Ugh. You’d be right. The graphic designer in me actually shrieked when I saw the thing.

-Horrid font? Check.

-Really heinous image used as a watermark? Absolutely.

And to make matters worse? Words like “dress codes” and “mood boards” are used in this document, which looks like it could be the size of an NYU doctoral thesis. It was absolutely cringe-worthy.

After the e-vite fiasco, the fabulous, token-trans friend Lauren takes Adriana and Marysol for an I.V. cocktail. Yup, that’s what I said, and while the ladies enjoy their I.V. cocktails to improve themselves, they enjoy glasses of chardonnay. Isn’t drinking during a blood transfusion dangerous? Cheers to all your new proteins, ladies!

Lea hand-delivers Lisa’s gorgeous Hermes Birkin bag, thus elevating Lisa to an even more elite class than that to which she had already belonged. The two show up to Ana’s and husband, Herman’s combined birthday celebrations, and Lea is immediately attacked by Marysol about not visiting Elsa or sending cards or flowers while she was in the hospital. Lea graciously, and completely awkwardly, avoids all questioning as she slips out of a nearby exit and towards the exit.

Lisa checks on her friend, who’s in tears as Marysol and Ana bring out the full-throttle Cuban Mean Girls antics at this celebratory event. These women have the BEST sense of timing, no? Marysol and Lea (and Lea’s assistant) are going at each other as Lisa tries her best to keep up with “Ana-Condescending-Quinco... whatever her name is” in a game of the sharp tongues. (For the record, Lisa, Ana Quincoces’ middle name is most likely not “Condescending,” even though it probably could be.)

All of this drama is, of course, just a taste of what’s to come! Next week is Adrianna’s wedding to Frederic, and with the end date of season 3 of "The Real Housewives of Miami" just around the corner, that means Joanna can’t be far behind... Then it’s time for everyone’s favorite part of a "Real Housewives" season, the Reunions!!! Stay tuned!

Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun
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