Like the first episode, this week’s episode begins with Yolanda, this time in her kitchen. A sincere kudos to her for appearing on camera in a bathrobe and slippers, sans makeup, looking like real humans look first thing in the morning. She’s embarking on a cleanse, so she’s in the kitchen with her housekeeper/”Master Cleanse master” — indeed, the housekeeper shares that she lost 18 pounds in 20 days on her own cleanse. Is impressive ort what?
All kidding aside, Yolanda’s really been through the ringer in the past few months. The cameras follow her on a hospital visit to have the port that’s been feeding antibiotics to her heart removed. Lyme disease is no joke. Maybe Kyle should’ve given her a phone call. Or at least sent flowers.
As hardcore as Yolanda’s port removal seems, she quickly regroups when her husband meets her in recovery afterward and lets her know that they have a situation: Daughter Gigi is unsure whether she should ride her horses that day. She is feeling weak from her cleanse. Yolanda calls her and advises her to eat two almonds, but chew them really well.
Speaking of hardcore, Lisa seems to be giving it her all when it comes to her "Dancing with the Stars" gig. Although she’s nervous, she tells her housekeeper that the show provides her with a “legitimate way of being unfaithful.” She can make out with another man “without doing anything wrong. Perfect!”
Lisa goes off to meet handsome Gleb for a practice, but not before giving Giggy a big smooch and promising her “little sex machine” that she didn’t mean any of that -- she’ll always remain faithful to him.
We’re then treated to Lisa’s performance from the second week of the competition. Kyle and Mauricio are in the audience, so Kyle can maintain the illusion that she’s mending those fences. Lisa’s husband Ken, Kim, Brandi and former castmate Taylor Armstrong are there as well, and everyone heads out for a (mostly) friendly dinner afterward.
When Lisa isn’t busy practicing her dance moves, she’s focused on work. She and Ken are opening a new bar called “Pump,” which Lisa envisions as a “gay garden.” The best thing about watching Lisa and Ken visit the construction site? Listening to Ken talk about “your-eye-nulls” (urinals).
We spend some time at new girl Carlton’s castle of a home, which is lovely -- if you’ve always wished you could live in a Gothic church. But don’t get confused; Carlton may collect crosses, but she loves her some pentagram too. After all, that’s the symbol of her religion, she tells us.
Carlton’s husband David is in the family business, sports management. Which translates to a love of fitness that includes regular family exercise time -- which includes David running his daughters through a playground obstacle course. A family that works out together stays together?
Other notable facts we glean about Carlton during the house visit: Her daughter’s name is spelled Mysteri, and she curses in front of her kids. Like, a lot.
Speaking of homes, Brandi is moving into her new one with help from her “mommy.” Why isn’t her dad there too? Well, turns out he and Brandi are in a tiff over the curve-hugging dress she wore to the Oscars. He said he liked her better before she got implants. Sorry, pops, the “boobs are staying.”
While unpacking, Brandi pulls out an old leather journal from back when she was “really into [her] poetry.” She reads aloud to her mother:
My mom is pretty, but she’s kind of sh*tty
She acts real nice but then you think twice
She doesn’t really call, I mean never, at all
Reach out and touch someone, she doesn’t know how
She needs to get in touch with Alexander Graham Bell
Mom wants to know how old Brandi was when she wrote this. Me too, mom. Me too.
Kyle invites the two newest housewives, Joyce and Carlton, over for lunch to welcome them into the fold (read: get the jump on swaying their allegiances). Kyle’s friend Sharon is there too. Kyle interrupts Carlton’s story about son Cross being upset over a black cat eating a bird in their living room earlier that day. I can’t imagine why Kyle didn’t want to hear how that story ended.
The women sit down to eat, then begin swapping stories. Carlton met her husband in a club fight. Joyce met hers on her first-ever blind date and instantly fell in love.
The banter is halted when a bee flies onto the table and Kyle (who is allergic to bees) asks Sharon to please kill the infiltrator. Sharon does, and Carlton is “disgusted.” Carlton is the odd-woman-out again when Kyle shares a story about leaking breast milk, which everyone else finds hilarious. Methinks witchy Carlton would’ve fared better over at the other lunch.
What other lunch? The one that Lisa invites Brandi and Yolanda to at her house.
This meal starts out tense, with Lisa suggesting that Brandi might need to try the brain exercises Yolanda is using to help regain her full mental faculties. Brandi laughs it off, but is clearly upset.
Then the ladies get their gossip on and all is well. They dish on the other ladies: everyone likes Carlton; no one likes Kyle. But they cloak their disdain for Kyle in fake pity: Poor Kyle, all of her friends left the show and now she’s alone. We feel so sorry for her. Not sorry enough to have invited her to join their lunch, though.
Toward the end of the episode, we get a little bit of Kim. First, she has a dog trainer over to help with difficult pup Kingsley. However, it seems to be Kim who really needs the trainer; he spends most of the lesson explaining that she’s been spoiling her dog rotten. Still, if it takes a momma’s-boy doggy to keep Kim sober, so be it.
Next, Kim visits her sister to watch an episode of "Dancing with the Stars" in Kyle’s posh home theater. During the episode, Lisa faints during rehearsals (hence the title of this week’s episode).
Kim calls B.S. on the fainting, and as a professional who’s fainted on camera and IRL before, she knows what she’s talking about. Kyle concurs, figuring that Lisa wanted a way off the show. That, and she “has to tease Lisa like Lisa would tease [her].” To be fair, Lisa totally would tease her. But Kyle seems to have forgotten about those just-mended fences yet again, and the episode closes with the sisters staging quite the reenactment of Lisa’s fainting scene.
Stay tuned, because there’ll be more talk of this possibly- fake fainting incident next week, when Brandi jumps on the Lisa-bashing train. Plus, the ‘wives delve further into those rumors that Mauricio is cheating on Kyle.