Desiree and Chris seal their fate.

Desiree and Chris seal their fate. (Francisco Roman / ABC / May 6, 2013)

Finally, all our questions will be answered: What will Desiree do now that Brooks, the man she loves, dumped her? Will Brooks come back and beg for forgiveness?

Does Drew come out of the closet? Will Chris ever stop writing cheesy poems? After all the crying and sniveling last week after Brooks departure, I hope that Drew and Chris are ready to be consolation prizes because Des made it very clear that without Brooks, her journey to find love is over.

Des’ story continues with her standing on a balcony reminiscing about her journey and still crying about Brooks leaving. Chris Harrison arrives and gives her a shoulder to cry on. He should have offered her a box of tissues because she is blubbering all over the place and needs a handkerchief or something. Des sniffles and says she just wants to go home. What she really needs is a bottle of wine and some raw cookie dough to ease her pain.

Chris Harrison assures Des that Drew and Chris are still there for her. He asks her if she could see herself with either of them. Des admits that although her heart is broken, her spirit is not, and she wants to continue on with Chris and Drew and see if a lifetime of happiness with either of them is in the cards. Despite the fact that the guy she loves has kicked her to the curb like yesterday’s garbage, the show (and the rose ceremony) must go on!

Rose ceremony

Drew and Chris arrive for the rose ceremony and Chris Harrison tells them that Brooks has hopped on the first plane back to the states and is running for dear life. Des arrives at the rose ceremony, cries for a change, tells Drew and Chris that Brooks leaving has turned her world upside down, and that love is unpredictable. She should have just told them the truth,“the guy I really love just dumped me and you two are all I have left. Hopefully, I will develop feelings for one of you so stick around and let’s see how this plays out.” I’m not sure how many guys would respond positively to that load of crap.

Des doesn’t want Brooks’ leaving to affect her relationships with Chris and Drew- after all, she still has 2 roses and 2 amazing guys who she doesn’t love. She cries as she calls each of their names and offers roses to the 2 losers, I mean Drew and Chris. Of course both men accept and say they will never leave her. This elicits cheers from the studio audience who offer their opinions, but no one cares what they have to say and most people hit the fast forward button at that point.    

Antigua

Normally at this time in the season, the remaining men would meet Des’ family. Given the circumstances- Des doesn’t know if she likes either of these guys- she wants to go on one last date with Drew and Chris to decide if they are worthy of meeting her mom, dad and felonious Brother Nate.

Drew

The first “let me decide if I like you” date goes to Drew. For Drew, there isn’t one iota of hesitation or doubt. They go horseback riding and engage in boring small talk to avoid talking about the fact that she has been crying non-stop over being dumped by the man she loves. Poor Drew doesn’t stand a chance and instead of reading Des’ cues that he is in the friend zone, he toasts to feeling madly in love. Des responds by crying and telling Drew that she doesn’t see a future for them. Drew is hurt and walks off the beach, crushed and confused, and of course he didn’t see coming out of this without Des. He was ready to propose because he loves her and thinks she is the most amazing woman he has ever met. He sniffles. He thanks her for her honesty and mutters “I don’t know” about 10 times. He wants her to be happy. He’s going to start over. He’s going to call Brooks as soon as he gets home.

Chris

The next “let’s give it the old college try” date goes to Chris. Des is hoping that she will feel something with Chris. Any feeling will do at this point. Chris consoles Des about her break up with Brooks, and Des talks herself into having feelings for Chris. They go on a catamaran, drink fruity Caribbean drinks and make out. Des finally stops crying and feels hopeful that Chris will make a really good second choice.

Later on, Chris tells Des that he has fallen in love with her and is looking forward to seeing what the future brings. He offers a toast (without a poem thank God) and is calm and confident. Des appreciates his support and thanks him for being by her side. She calls him a loyal friend. Des should just forget about trying to find a husband and should just get a dog instead.

Upon realizing that Chris’ feelings for her are stronger than hers are for him, she cries some more. Chris gives her a journal which contains all the cheesy poems he wrote for her over the past 10 weeks. Suddenly, Des realizes she is lucky to have Chris and starts wondering why she didn’t love him so much from the start. She asks him to meet her family.

Back at the live studio audience, Jackie, Lesley, Lindsay, Sean and Catherine from last season all have opinions about Des and her predicament. No one cares. Sean and Catherine are still in love but have not yet set a date for their wedding. Lindsay still talks in her annoying baby voice and Jackie is so irrelevant it doesn’t matter what she said.   

Meeting Des’ Family

Chris agrees to meet Des’ family, but is nervous about meeting Brother Nate after seeing what he did to Sean Lowe last season. Nate arrives wearing his prison striped shirt and asks Chris stupid questions like “would it be a form of rejection if Des chooses Drew.” No Nate you dope, it would be REAL rejection if Des chooses Drew. In the end Chris wins over Des’ family and gets Daddy Hartsock's approval to marry his daughter after meeting him for a whole 11 minutes. 

Once Chris leaves, Des asks Brother Nate for his opinion. He tells her “don’t rush in, don’t settle for nobody” and is concerned that she still cares about Brooks. Des tells Nate that she is so over Brooks and that he shouldn’t worry. I mean, it was what, two days ago already and she has had plenty of time to get over it, right? Nate then tells Des that she needs to trust her heart and follow her feelings, which I’m sure are leading her back to Brooks, and it’s just a matter of time before she is crying all over again.

Des’ Final Day In Antigua

Chris is pacing around his hotel room shirtless and nervous. He loves Des with all his heart and is going to ask her to marry him, despite the fact that he feels like he is treading in cold water. I don’t think that’s the feeling you are supposed to have before getting engaged, but that doesn’t bother Chris who meets with Neil Lane and picks out his free engagement ring.

Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for- will Des have her fairy tale ending or will she return to the United States and stalk Brooks on Instagram?  Des arrives in a limo and as she gets out, says “it’s hard to accept how much Chris loves me” and starts to cry again. That girl is never happy. 

Des drags herself up the path and decides that now is a good time to tell Chris how she feels about Brooks. I’m thinking Chris probably doesn’t want to hear about Brooks right now, and maybe she should have mentioned her feelings about Brooks when they were making out on the catamaran. Either way, Des’ journey is finally coming to an end- she stands waiting, holding the final rose in her hand as an unshaven, unsuspecting Chris arrives. He is nervous and recalls getting on one knee to tie his shoe the first night he met Des. 

Chris starts his “proposal speech” by thanking Des for the memories- dancing in Germany, boat trips, sharing feelings and reading poetry. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Just as he is about to get down on one knee, Des pulls him up and says “can I say a few things.” 

Apparently, Des thinks this is a good time to be honest with Chris and tell him where her heart has been and where it is today. She tells him that she said goodbye to Drew and that he is the last man standing. She says she loved Brooks and was torn by his leaving. She then adds that she was so blindsided by her feelings for Brooks that she couldn’t see that Chris was the right one for her. Or in other words, that Chris is a great second choice.

She adds “what I needed was right in front of me. You have been there for me. I love you, I love you so much. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you.” I want to say AWWW SO SWEET, but all I can think about is the 37 minutes of crying we all had to endure last week when Brooks told her he wasn’t interested in her anymore. Now Des wants us to believe that Brooks is ancient history and she can finally see straight into Chris’ heart?

PUH-LEASE.
 
After hearing that Des has agreed to settle for him, Chris gets down on one knee and says “I want to be your first, I want to be your last,” then presents the free ring and asks Des “will you marry me.”  Of course she says YES! Sorry to tell you this Chris, but you are not the first, nor are you the last — you are the simply the guy she settled for after the guy she loved came to his senses and didn’t want to get engaged to someone he barely knew. I hope you are happy in Settle, I mean Seattle.  

After The Final Rose

Des talks to Chris Harrison. Brooks comes out and talks to Des. Drew comes out and talks to Des. Chris and Des are reunited. Who cares?? The best news of the night is that JUAN PABLO IS THE NEXT BACHELOR! HOLY CRAP! Yes, Mr. Sexy himself will be gracing us with his smoking hot good looks and sexy accent on cold winter nights starting in January. I hope you will read my recaps as we follow Juan Pablo on his journey for love!