Hello rose lovers, and welcome to Season 10 of "The Bachelorette."
Join me as we follow beautiful, smart, sassy Andi Dorfman on her journey to find love. Andi has finally committed to one hair color, and is therefore ready to commit to one man for the rest of her life.
By was of introduction, we start with last year’s footage of “Badass Assistant District Attorney Andi” on the job, looking around fences and taking pictures of graffiti. Andi has worked hard achieving her career goals and loves her job so much that she is willing to abandon it for the second time in hopes that the man of her dreams is the kind of guy who signs up for a reality show for all the right reasons.
Note to Andi: some women actually have a career and find husbands at the same time. Some of them are even lawyers. Just sayin’.
Andi speaks of finding love and says “I don’t need it, but I want it enough to go get it.” That is how I feel about wine.
This is not the time to dwell on a wasted law-school education; this is Andi’s shot at love and she is willing to leave behind her profession AND her family to find the man of her dreams. She says a quick goodbye to her Mom and Dad and promises them that “the next time you see me, there will be two guys.” Just what every Jewish father wants to hear from his daughter who just quit her prestigious lawyer job.
Andi leaves Atlanta and arrives in Los Angeles and is all smiles as she drives up the coast in a convertible with her hair blowing in the wind. She goes on a shopping extravaganza where she tries on hats, a few ugly shirts and slathers on some lip gloss. Once she is done making duck faces at herself in the mirror, it is time for a real photo shoot in front of a bookcase of law books, thus honoring the profession she has abandoned.
When she is done with her photo shoots, Andi walks on the beach wearing the same white crochet shorts she was wearing when she basically told Juan Pablo to go [redacted] himself last season.
Andi drives up to her new home, where Chris Harrison greets her, opens the car door and offers to carry her stuff inside. Then he leaves. Chris has no interest in talking to Andi about what she is looking for in a husband or reminiscing about her experience with Juan Pablo. Nope, he just drops her stuff in the hallway and takes off. Apparently, Chris Harrison is this season’s bellhop.
Andi’s sister appears moments later for some moral support. The sister either doesn’t have a name or Andi forgot it now that she’s out in LA and has abandoned her career and family. The nameless sister wants to know how many guys Andi is going to kiss, and tells her to dump the lousy kissers because everyone knows that lousy kissers make lousy husbands.
Andi agrees that she is going to kiss a lot of guys, which is her way of justifying in advance that she will be behaving like a slut for the next two months. They giggle, she tries on an unflattering gold lame dress, then the no-name sister leaves.
Andi takes her spot on the wetted-down driveway at the mansion and waits for the first limo to arrive. There is no pep talk from Chris Harrison or introductory footage of any of the guys playing with their dog. There is no time to waste; the first limo is pulling up to the mansion.
First out is Marcus, who is very nervous, says he has a lot to offer and says he wants Andi to keep him forever. Who wouldn’t want forever after meeting someone for a whopping 23 seconds, right? Andi thinks Marcus is hot.
Chris is a farmer from Iowa. ZZZZZzzzzzz.
JJ wears a bow tie, is a pantsapreneur (huh? what?) and is on a “love quest,” which is somehow different than a “journey” to find love. He is wearing a bow tie and looks like Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Marquel from Las Vegas is black guy No. 1 (wow — diversity for a change!). He is wearing a pink and white checkered shirt and has a great smile.
Tasos, whose pants are too short, is a Wedding Event Coordinator who loves to travel and wants to replicate Lover’s Bridge in Paris, but settles for locking a lock on the gate at the mansion. He then throws the key in the pond and they make a wish. Hopefully the key didn’t kill an innocent koi fish.
Cody is a personal trainer who pretends to push the broken down limo up the driveway. He looks like Sean Lowe on steroids. His jacket collar is turned up like Crockett from "Miami Vice." I feel 'roid rage coming on in the next few weeks.
Steven is a 30-year-old Snowboard Product Developer, which means that he gets high and snowboards. He says he is “stoked” to meet Andi, thus confirming the getting high part of his job. Really dude? Stoked? SMH.