Hello rose lovers and welcome to Season 9 of The Bachelorette! It’s been a long 77 days for us 'Bachelor' fans, but I am back and ready to bring you the play-by-play as we follow Desiree on her second chance at love, which is sure to be filled with testosterone-fueled drama!
The “journey for love” starts as Des drives up in a dingy Honda Accord and gazes at her new Malibu beach pad. Chris Harrison greets her at the Malibu beach house door and takes her for a tour of her new digs. As they walk from room to room, we are reminded of Des’ humiliation as she begged Sean not to let her go last season. Though she was devastated when Sean sent her packing after meeting her family, she now insists that she is fine with being Sean’s fourth runner up, because she knows that she is exactly where she is supposed to be.
Des takes us down memory lane and describes growing up poor but happy. She reminds us that she didn’t have a lot of money or nice things, but that her parents' love was strong. Des tells us that her humble childhood included living in an apartment and that Brother Nate had to sleep in the living room. In case you didn’t know Des, there are children in the world who don’t have food and clean water, but I guess sleeping on the couch is the tragedy that created the Brother Nate that we know and love today. To further play on the rags-to-riches theme, Chris gives Des the keys to an Easter Egg Blue Bentley to replace the Honda Accord, and the nauseating “Fairytale” “Cinderella” and “Prince Charming” references begin.
We are barely four minutes in when Des starts shedding tears about how badly she wants to find love. In an effort to get to know Des, we watch her roller skate dressed like an 80’s porn star in shorts and a bikini top. Then we see her draw a few sketches and chase after some seagulls on the beach, all the while describing her ideal man as someone she can give her heart to. She sits down with Chris Harrison, drops a few hundred more Cinderella references and exclaims that she wants a man. Speaking of men, let’s meet our 25 potential soulmates:
Drew is a 27 year old Digital Marketing Analyst from Scottsdale, Az., with a troubled childhood. His parents divorced when he was 8, his Dad was an alcoholic and his sister is severely mentally handicapped. All this childhood trauma has made him realize he is ready for love, and Desiree is the perfect woman for him to fall in love with. He knows that because he saw her on TV, I guess. Right out of the limo he is cute and nervous and tells Des that he couldn’t be happier that she was the Bachelorette.
Brooks arrives next and is unremarkable except for his bad attempt at a five o'clock shadow, too much hair gel and a dimple in his chin, which is reminiscent of Tierra’s forehead dent. He is a 28-year-old marketing consultant from Salt Lake City, Utah.
Brad brings a wishbone. Boring, but what do you expect from an accountant?
Bryden is a 26-year-old Iraq War Veteran from Missoula, Mt. He had one serious relationship that left him heartbroken, so he joined the Army. Therapy probably would have been less of a commitment and more effective for soothing a broken heart, but who am I to judge? He has a nice dog. When he finds out that Des is the next Bachelorette, he does a lame sort of fist-pump thing.
Michael is a Federal Prosecutor from Florida who drags Des over to the fountain to find the penny she threw in last season. Only Michael isn’t smart enough to pretend to find the penny; instead he digs around in the fountain like an idiot, getting wet and almost falling in. Finally, he pulls two pennies out of his pocket and he and Des make a wish.
Kasey is next and is perhaps the most annoying contestant ever. He is a 29-year-old account executive who works in social media and likes to hashtag EVERYTHING. No, really. He hashtags ALL THE TIME. #heneedstoshutthe#^%$up.
Will is a 28-year-old banker from Chicago who is one of the few black guys who does Bikram yoga (by his own admission) and likes to high-five strangers on the street. He is such a fan of the high-five that he greets Des with one right out of the limo. During his pre-season interview, upon hearing that Desiree was going to be the next Bachelorette, he yelled out “I love this womaaaaannnn.” I guess he doesn’t remember how yelling “I love Sean” worked for AshLee last season.
Mikey T plays the family card and tries to get on Brother Nate’s good side by telling Des that he too is an older brother. He is a good-looking guy, but how many grown men go by the name Mikey?
Jonathan is a 26-year-old lawyer from Hickory, N.C., who offers Des a fantasy suite card and room key. Des says she is not that kind of girl and Jonathan walks off.
Next out of the limo is Zak W, the 31-year-old Drilling Fluid Engineer from Texas, who is shirtless and likes to stand on the deck of his house in his underwear. He asks Des “will you accept these abs.” Sheesh. I will not call him #shirtlesszak, no matter how amazing his abs are.
James professes his loyalty to Des and promises to grow old, gray and fat with her. Imagine if a woman introduced herself to a man she was set up with and said, “If we get married I look forward to getting fat.” #eyeroll.
Larry is an emergency-room doctor who wants to teach Des to dance, but ends up almost dropping her on her head. Larry may be a doctor, but spinning and dipping a girl who is standing on a cobblestone driveway in heels and an evening gown is not a good idea. He realizes he screwed up and drops an F-bomb on the way in. #epicfail.
Nick R. is a tailor/magician who almost sets Des on fire when he performs a magic trick turning a napkin into a rose. I’m hoping for his next trick he makes himself disappear.
Zack K. arrives in a tux and Converse.
The introductions move on uneventfully until, oh no, Diogo arrives in a full suit of armor that looks less “knight in shining armor” and more “C3PO.”
Chris is a 27-year-old mortgage broker from Seattle who gets down on one knee and asks Des if she would mind if he tied his shoes.